An almost erotic story
By Leon Agulansky
Synopsis
During a violent storm in Miami, three seemingly respectable couples gather at a private home for an exclusive swingers’ party. The rules are simple: absolute confidentiality, no judgment, and no consequences.
As the evening progresses, the guests shed more than their clothes. Behind sophisticated manners, successful careers, and respectable marriages emerge jealousy, loneliness, insecurity, hidden desires—and a disturbing willingness to cross moral boundaries.
When one of the guests, Ben Cooper, suddenly collapses after drinking whiskey, the party takes a terrifying turn. Calling an ambulance could bring the police and expose everyone. Instead, the guests begin to debate what to do with the apparently dying man.
What follows is a darkly comic descent from erotic fantasy into panic, cruelty, and self-preservation. A video recording captures everything, turning the party into potential evidence—and potentially a fortune.
But the biggest surprise comes when Ben reveals that nothing is quite what it seemed.
A SNORT OF WHISKEY is a provocative black comedy about desire, hypocrisy, trust, and the frightening distance between the people we pretend to be and the people we become when no one is supposed to be watching.
Cast: 8 (4 man, 4 women)
Running time 120 min
A SNORT OF WHISKEY
An almost erotic story
By Leon Agulansky
CHARACTERS:
HARRY, 40 years old, a successful television producer and host of swinger parties.
SANDRA, 35 years old, Harry’s wife, a housewife and a hostess of swinger parties.
BEN COOPER, 50 years old, a writer and interesting bachelor of rather stocky appearance.
KAT, 28 years old, Ben Cooper’s beautiful, slender, slightly vulgar companion at the party.
MICHAEL, 45 years old, a college dean, a cynical pessimist with a sparkle of hope.
BETTY (ELIZABETH), 40 years old, Michael’s wife, a divorce attorney, a strict, interesting, dominant, hot-tempered and vulnerable person.
RICHARD, 45 years old, a professor of philosophy at the university, a sentimental, lively man with a flair for the dramatic.
CLAIR, 40 years old, Richard’s wife, a successful psychologist, who has access to the secrets of wealthy people.
RICCARDO’S VOICE (an outer guard) can be heard through the intercom.
SETTINGS
A private residence in Miami, Florida, USA.
TIME
Present time.
ACT ONE
Scene One
A spacious living room in a wealthy house. On the left, a table with snacks and drinks. On the floor, a few air mattresses. IT’s evening.
HARRY is holding a glass of whiskey in his hand trying to align the air mattresses with his foot. SANDRA is making sure that all the blinds are shut.
SANDRA.
We need to call for Enrique. The windows are dirty.
HARRY.
Once the storm is behind us, I’ll do it.
SANDRA.
Storm? What does it have to do with the storm? The windows should always shine. And we can organize a storm any time ourselves.
HARRY.
You think today will be a success?
SANDRA.
Until now everything’s been up to snuff. Should I turn down the air conditioning?
HARRY.
None of the pairs are familiar. It’s like something …
SANDRA (interrupts).
Good! (Defiantly.) I long for something new! New!
HARRY.
New. Let’s make renovations!
SANDRA.
Renovations! (Throwing her arms around Harry.) No! Today — tear everything down, cut and smash!
HARRY.
Already on edge?
SANDRA.
And you aren’t?
HARRY.
Care for a drink?
The rumbles of thunder are heard. The barking of dogs follows.
SANDRA (coming up to the intercom on the wall and pressing the button).
Riccardo?
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Senora?
SANDRA.
Put the dogs in their cages. We are waiting for the guests. Three couples will open the door themselves by using the code. Don’t let anyone else in. As usual.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, Senora.
SANDRA.
Harry (pointing at the intercom).
He’s grown big.
HARRY.
His girlfriend is also shapely. Won’t fit the mattress.
SANDRA.
That’s not what I meant.
HARRY.
What I meant is exactly this.
SANDRA.
Funny. (After a short pause.) We should fire him. Take another one.
HARRY.
Fire him. Easy to say.
SANDRA.
What? He knows a lot, huh?
HARRY.
Enough.
SANDRA.
Where did you dig him up at all?
HARRY.
The guys from the TV channel suggested him. They were working on material on drug trafficking in Latin America. He was a bodyguard for one of the defendants. Fired with recommendations.
SANDRA.
What about the movie?
HARRY.
The channel paid, decided against showing it. Well, I didn’t meet the post-production budget.
SANDRA (mocking him).
Post-production, post-production. I’ve been telling you for a long time: two cameras. (Pointing to the ceiling.) Here is the reality show.
SANDRA whistles.
HARRY.
Oh God! If your mother saw this, she’d kick the bucket at once.
SANDRA.
In your dreams. She’d want to play the lead role.
HARRY.
Oh, yes. This … Like mother like …
SANDRA.
Don’t like it? Let’s get divorced.
HARRY.
It would be an expensive divorce. However, I’ll think about it.
SANDRA (approaching, flirting).
He’ll think about it. Well, where is your … producer’s flair? Two cameras. The cost is nothing. The profit is… wow!
HARRY.
I’ll give it some thought.
SANDRA.
You can gloss over the faces or masks-masks-masks!
HARRY.
Masks, masks – publicity at rest. That’s it. Enough!
SANDRA.
What’s enough?!
I’m talking business my dear.
HARRY.
You’re getting into business you know nothing about.
SANDRA.
Into business? No-o, dear, only fitness, massage and be-e-e-d.
HARRRY (mocking her).
Putting on masks. But faces, faces?! They’re the most important! Close-up shots, smiles, eyes, eyebrows! To hide all this?!
SANDRA (significantly).
Faces can stay … And don’t offer it to the channel…
HARRY.
To whom then?
SANDRA.
To the participants themselves … They’ll surely buy it … Buy it-buy it, don’t even doubt it. It’s risky, but the money…
HARRY.
You don’t have enough money?! (After a short pause.) Made a joke?
SANDRA.
Dreamt.
HARRY.
Seriously, it is not about a breach of confidentiality. It’s about the relationship between people at a completely different level.
SANDRA.
Yeah. Secular chatter. But the relationship (showing/pointing below her waist.)
at the same level.
HARRY (sharply).
One more word and I’ll cancel the party! (Screams.) You’ll continue to communicate with your manicurist, stylist and a psychologist!
SANDRA (ironically).
And with you, dear?
HARRY.
And with me! Once a week for the old time’s sake … Till death do us part.
SANDRA.
It’s necessary to exercise your memory. Bolster it with impressions. Feed it with emotions. Don’t be angry. I’ve been worried since the early morning. (Speaking in base voice.) I’m worried, got it?
HARRY.
Go to hell! You always spoil my mood when …
SANDRA (flirting).
You’re not a boy anymore. Control your emotions.
(Trying to kiss him.)
RICCARDO’S VOICE (from the intercom).
Senora?
SANDRA.
Yes, Rick.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
The dogs are in their cages. Shall I turn off the outside lights?
SANDRA.
Leave them. Oh, yes. Shut down the surveillance cameras.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, senora.
HARRY (nodding towards the door).
Fire him. How to fire him?! He knows every screw in this house.
SANDRA.
The dogs love him. He’ll bring his friends along with him.
HARRY.
We have nothing they’d want to take.
SANDRA.
Really! However, if you say so … Anyway, it’s unpleasant: having strangers in the house.
Harry laughs.
SANDRA.
Ah. Also on edge, my dear?
HARRY.
Strangers are coming to your house today and will …
SANDRA.
Stop! I invited them and I’m waiting for them. What’s more, they are our soulmates, like-minded people!
HARRY.
I need to check the gong.
SANDRA.
I set it on every ten minutes.
HARRY.
Maybe five?
SANDRA.
The company is new. Leave it.
The rumbles of thunder, then a distant barking of dogs, the sound of rain. The intercom is ringing.
SANDRA (coming up to the intercom).
Yes, Rick.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Senora, this is for you, snake catchers, they say it’s urgent.
SANDRA.
Snake catchers. (To HARRY.) I didn’t know that our complex was built on an Indian reservation.
HARRY.
What nonsense!
SANDRA (speaking through the intercom).
Rick, the Indian reservation is an hour drive from here. So all snake catchers, sharp falcons and Chingachkuks can go …
Using gestures, HARRY shows: “watch your words”.
CONT’D
Today, we don’t accept visitors. It’s too late.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Senora, they …
KAT’S VOICE FROM THE INTERCOM.
Good evening. No need to panic, we are here for your safety. However, if you don’t want us here, sign the papers and we’ll leave.
SANDRA (into the intercom).
Let them in.
BEN and KATE appear in a raincoat with a hood, wearing rubberg loves and holding a device for catching snakes in their hands, a stick with a split end.
KAT.
Oh, such an elegant living room!
BEN shines the floor new the door with a flashlight.
SANDRA.
Very well, on with it and keep it short. We are waiting for the guests.
BEN (grinning).
Short.
KAT.
We were called by the apartment complex’s security. A big snake was seen moving in the direction of the house.
BEN is examining the floor in the living room with a flashlight, looking under the air mattresses.
HARRY.
It must belong to our neighbors. The storm damaged the cage. Escaped. Rats!
SANDRA (annoyed).
Why on earth is this thing crawling into our house, not its own?!
HARRY.
We have more fun.
SANDRA.
Harry, we’re leaving!
HARRY.
Leaving? Where?
SANDRA.
To the apartment on the Sunny Island.
HARRY.
Which one exactly?
SANDRA.
The one on the ninth floor!
HARRY.
And what if some crazy person keeps snakes in the apartment next door?
SANDRA.
Who came up with the idea of dragging such abomination into the house?! We’re going to the hotel! Let’s take your car.
BEN.
What are you talking about? Out of the questions! Snakes love slithering into cars. Don’t even think about it. (Continuing to search the house with a flashlight.)
HARRY.
Don’t bother. The dogs will spot it in an instant. (Speaking to the intercom.) Rick …
KAT.
No, no, no! It’ll hide, cover itself up, go under the ground – then there’s no way to find it.
SANDRA (standing with her feet on a chair).
Then get down to work, search for it! Work!
BEN.
Do not worry. We’ll ca-a-a-tch it.
HARRY.
If this is the neighbor’s python, there’s no way you both can pick it up together. A chainsaw will come in handy for cutting, plus wheelbarrows for disposing of it.
BEN.
Not our first time. You know, it became trendy to keep pythons ten years ago. Over the years, their cells have been destroyed by hurricanes or the owners decided to throw away their pets. Snakes ended up free, in the wild, got bred and settled in Florida.
SANDRA.
Very fascinating! Just enthralling! I am not staying here for the night.
HARRY.
Driving in this weather? Forget it.
SANDRA.
I do not want to wake up strangled in my own bed.
HARRY.
So romantic.
SANDRA (giving her hand to BEN who helps her come down from the chair. To HARRY).
To the hotel! Move it!
KAT (pointing to the side).
Something is moving over there.
SANDRA screams.
BEN (shining with the flashlight).
No. It was just an illusion.
HARRY.
The guests are about to arrive. A python is in the living room. Someone might like it.
SANDRA.
Idiot! (Nodding towards the intercom.) Tell him to call a cab.
HARRY.
Maybe we’ll give the professionals a chance?
KAT.
Don’t worry so much! We’ll find it, put it down and take it away.
SANDRA.
You didn’t forget the sleeping pills, did you? I’m ready to share mine. Don’t work a damn!
BEN.
Where is the bathroom?
SANDRA.
Here. See?! A professional but also afraid.
BEN.
It can. (Shows the movement of a snake with his hand.)
HARRY.
Won’t fit the pipes. (Demonstrates the diameter of the snake.)
KAT.
Is there a dog or a cat hole in the house?
KAT comes to the door, examines it, opens it and screams. MICHAEL in a raincoat with a nylon stocking on his face grabs KAT by her neck with one hand and puts a gun to her neck. BETTY appears next to him wearing the same outfit, threatening everyone in the living room with the gun.
MICHAEL.
Everyone, be quiet! Don’t move. Don’t fool around and nobody gets hurt.
SANDRA screams and loses her balance. HARRY picks her up. BEN is ready to go on the offensive with the tool for catching snakes.
MICHAEL (pointing to a chair, to HARRY).
Put her down! Down, I say. Don’t worry, it’s not electric. Come on, put her down.
SANDRA is unconscious; they cannot put her down the chair. Harry is holding her in a standing position.
HARRY.
You have exactly one minute to get out of here. It is still possible to make things right.
BETTY (to BEN and KAT).
Also robbers?
KAT.
Catching a s-snake. E-escaped f-from the cage.
BETTY (looking under her feet and around. To MICHAEL).
Looks like it’s the wrong address.
MICHAEL (to BEN).
Put the stick down. Come on! (Threatening with a gun. To KAT.) What are you looking at? Drop!
BEN and KAT throw the device for catching snakes on the floor.
MICHAEL (to BEN, pointing to the chair).
Come here. Sit.
BEN approaches the chair and sits on it. Harry is standing nearby, hugging SANDRA, trying not to let her fall.
MICHAEL (to HARRY).
Put her down on his lap.
HARRY obeys.
MICHAEL (to BEN).
Hold her! Embrace her! Hug her gently! Like this!
BEN obeys. SANDRA wakes up, surprised. Harry calms her down with a gesture.
MICHAEL (to HARRY).
And you hold her. (Pushes KAT to him.) Hold her, I said! Embrace! Gently, but firmly.
HARRY.
What do you need?
MICHAEL.
Same thing you do.
HARRY gently pushes Kat.
MICHAEL.
Quiet, quiet! Easy!
HARRY.
I see. I’ll take you to the safe.
SANDRA (shouting).
No-o-o!
KAT (pointing at the “robber’s feet”).
Snake!
MICHAEL and BETTY look under their feet. HARRY rushes to the intercom.
HARRY (pressing the intercom).
Rick, call the police!
With a cry: “We are already here”, RICHARD and CLAIR wearing police uniforms, armed with pistols, burst into the room knocking down the robbers. Four of them are struggling on the floor (RICHARD with BETTY, CLAIR with MICHAEL). SANDRA screams. As a result, the “robbers” are disarmed with the “police officers” on top of them, in a positions suitable for sex.)
(A Pause.)
SANDRA (coming to her senses).
Stand up! Stand up immediately! A huge snake is moving in this direction. (After a short pause.) As a matter of fact, we are waiting for the guest …
BEN (distances himself from SANDRA, takes off his coat, under which he’s wearing a suit with a tie). Python got cancelled.
KAT (takes off her cloak under which she’s wearing an evening dress).
The guests didn’t. Let us introduce ourselves: (Pointing to BEN.) Mr. Ben Cooper and Mrs. Catherine (after some hesitation.) Cooper or just Kat.
HARRY (to SANDRA).
Honey, we haven’t been robbed today.
SANDRA.
Such a pity. Only small bills in the safe, but the insurance costs… (whistles.)
HARRY.
By the way, we need to check if the neighbor’s python’s is in its place, since the police are here.
RICHARD and CLAIRE rise to their feet.
RICHARD.
Our shift is over.
CLAIR.
And we are not the police at all. Pleased to meet you: Claire and Richard (take off their police jackets, remain fully-dressed for the evening.)
HARRY.
Welcome. (To MICHAEL and BETTY.) The villains will also reincarnate?
MICHAEL and BETTY get up from the floor, remove their outerwear under which they’re wearing evening attire.
BETTY.
Good evening. I’m Elizabeth, you can call me “Betty”, and this is…
MICHAEL.
Michael, you can call me “Mike”.
SANDRA (with articulate emphasis).
Ladies and gentlemen… Ladies and gentlemen … Ladies and gentlemen! I told you in writing, surprises and effects, but not fainting with a heart attack. However, you managed to surprise us, amused. Bravo, Bravo, Bravo!
Rolling of thunder. The distant barking of dogs.
HARRY (to the intercom).
Rick, the guests have arrived. Turn off the lights. We shall not be disturbed.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, Senor.
SANDRA.
Ladies and gentlemen, the drinks are on the table. Bathrooms (pointing with her hand.) here and there. Freshen yourselves up. We shall start in five minutes.
Rolling of thunder. The power cuts off. The distant barking of dogs.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Do not worry, gentlemen. The generator is about to turn on.
BLACK OUT.
Scene Two
The lights are gradually coming back on. The guests are making themselves comfortable in the living room.
The ladies are sitting; the men are looking after them, offering them drinks. Everyone is involved in light conversation. The atmosphere of the evening is pleasant.
BETTY.
So strange! In Boston we have golden autumn, but here, heat. Even the rain is not refreshing.
BEN.
Everything is good here, except for the weather.
MICHAEL.
On the plus side, you don’t have to shovel the driveway each morning.
KAT.
I’ve never seen snow.
BETTY (flirting).
You should come to visit.
KAT (also playfully).
You know, I will.
BEN coughs.
KAT.
I mean, we will.
RICHARD.
Yes. The University City. Harvard uni …
BEN (interrupts).
Come on, buddy. Russian professors teach Chinese students. And it’s the same case everywhere. Everywhere.
RICHARD.
No way. No way. For example, in San Diego, that’s not the case at all.
BETTY.
You teach?
RICHARD.
Well, kind of… In general, yes. And what about you?
CLAIR.
He teaches. And not “kind of”, but philosophy. Was invited to Harvard. Turned down. Such a pity.
KAT.
Nothing happens just like that, without a reason.
BETTY.
You teach too?
BEN (laughing).
I teach her, and she teaches me.
BETTY.
Can you demonstrate?
KAT.
How, is it time already?
Gong. Everyone’s voices subside. SANDRA and HARRY appear in evening outfits. SANDRA is wearing a lady’s hat; HARRY has glued mustache on.
Alternatively, the couple can come to the forestage and address not only other couples, but the audience as well.
HARRY is holding a sheet of paper in his hand.
SANDRA (solemnly).
Ladies and Gentlemen!..
HARRY (softly).
Well, is this really necessary?
SANDRA.
Oh yes, of course! Friends! Friends! We are happy to welcome you…
HARRY (continues).
And we’ll try to make this evening unforgettable.
SANDRA.
You don’t know each other yet, but all of you were approved to become part of our … (Looks at Harry.)
HARRY (helps).
Club…
SANDRA (continuing).
By the people with whom we are… (Looks at HARRY.)
HARRY (helps).
On v-very intimate terms.
SANDRA.
By tradition, we announce the rules of our club.
SANDRA and HARRY read in turn.
HARRY.
With regard to the party members, and whatever is happening between them, absolute confidentiality should be observed.
SANDRA.
The invited individuals should be either official or civic spouses.
HARRY.
Each participant of the party doesn’t pose any risk of infection.
SANDRA.
Each female participant agrees to eliminate the chance of pregnancy as a result of the party.
HARRY.
Attention to the rule of thumb: no one owes nothing to no one.
SANDRA.
This is not the place for jealousy and family quarrels.
HARRY.
Everyone has the right to say “no” without any consequences or resentment.
SANDRA.
Upon hearing the gong, everyone takes off one piece of clothing.
HARRY.
At least one, but you’re welcome to do more.
Gong. SANDRA takes off her hat, HARRY peels his moustache off and puts it away into the pocket of his jacket. Guests are looking at each other at a loss.
SANDRA (talks to HARRY, so that all the guests can hear).
Darling, the gong’s just rung, hasn’t it? or is that a ringing in my ears?!
The guests laugh, everyone takes off one item of clothing.
MICHAEL (to BEN).
How did you come up with the idea of snake catchers?
BEN.
My, ah… our neighbors called for one, needed to catch a python behind their house.
BETTY.
That’s horrible!
CLAIR.
Did they catch it?
BEN.
Surely?!
KAT.
Florida. In Tamarac we…
BEN coughs.
KAT.
I heard that in Tamarac every week…
BEN.
Nonsense. People are more dangerous than venomous snakes.
RICHARD.
Oh, no! Allow me to disagree! Man is a reasonable being. Yes, their animal instinct is to fight with the divine ones, but…
CLAIR.
A beast remains a beast. A man is hiding behind a mask. Murders and rapists pretend to be law abiding citizens.
BETTY.
We’re the opposite. Won’t hurt a fly, but managed to play the perpetrator here.
CLAIR.
Convincingly.
MICHAEL.
We wanted to make a spectacular entrance.
BEN.
Weren’t you afraid of catching a bullet in the stomach?
BETTY.
Somehow we didn’t think about it.
MICHAEL.
We were ready to surrender at any moment. But when we saw you in the police uniform, oh-oh-oh!
SANDRA.
If not for these, supposedly, police officers, the guard could have let the dogs in and then …
MICHAEL.
A guard was posted. A nice fellow.
Gong. Everyone take off one item of clothing.
HARRY (to CLAIRE).
Claire, the police uniform becomes you. You aren’t a setup, are you?
MICHAEL.
What an intrigue!
BETTY (to MICHAEL).
Shut up, fool.
BEN.
Anything can happen. Anything can happen.
SANDRA.
Ladies and gentlemen, enough with surprises. Have fun. Enjo-o-oy. (Flirtatiously.) Drink up!
HARRY.
Yes, why isn’t anyone drinking?
CLAIR.
Would you like to make sure that my body has no wires?
RICHARD.
Oh, yes!
KAT.
Good idea.
MICHAEL.
I’ll se-e-e-arch her.
BEN (with a glass in his hand).
Claire, would you like red or white wine?
CLAIR.
You … All of you will have the chance. A few more strokes of the gong… (to Sandra.)
Isn’t it true, hostess?
SANDRA.
I saw bodies covered in light bulbs as a Christmas tree. Not yet in wires.
CLAIR.
We first wanted to dress up as loonies who escaped from a madhouse.
BEN.
A very subtle hint.
KAT.
There are crazy people among cops too.
CLAIR.
I almost agreed, but the uniform’s more elegant.
KAT.
Ha.
BEN (cynically).
Mo-o-ore sexy!
CLAIR (addressing everyone who’s present).
Would you like to serve as a police officer? And you? You? Maybe you? No? No. Neither do I. None of us want to be a police officer. But we want to see them by our side, on the road and at the bank, at the airport and in the store, at the intersection and the parking lot. They seem like ordinary people, but their uniform, this uniform with these wonderful letters: N-Y-P-D, L-A-P-D … Yes, yes, I, as an expert, declare: these characters have an impact on our psyche. They are a guarantee of our life and freedom.
BEN.
Here you go! None of the conversation in the country can go by without “freedom”!
RICHARD.
Hush, Ben, quiet.
CLAIR.
This ensures the game is played by our rules. Even here, at a party, where the most intimate will become the property of all members, we still stick to rules and orders.
Gong. Everyone takes off one piece of clothing.
CLAIR (to HARRY).
Harry, pour me some whiskey to raise my spirits.
BETTY (thoughtfully).
To raise your spirits.
HARRY pours whiskey into a glass, gives it to CLAIRE.
BETTY (continuing).
We got dressed up as robbers, namely, to raise our spirits.
KAT.
I do not understand anything. You dress up to raise your spirits, undress to raise your spirits, drink to raise your spirits. Everything else is also for raising your spirits?
BEN (to KAT).
Sunshine, we’ll discuss it with you at home.
BETTY.
Yes. Sounds weird. You know what, I’m tired, yes too tired to be afraid!
SANDRA.
Don’t worry. The next gong is about to strike. There are no strangers here.
HARRY (to BETTY).
Ignore her. (Pointing to SANDRA.) She doesn’t allow me to …
SANDRA.
Oh oh oh!
HARRY.
Speak.
Sandra shows with a sign: “I’m quiet, quiet”.
BETTY.
Smiling with your all thirty-two teeth, laughing loudly, looking successful. (After a short pause.) Successful. God, don’t let me show a lack of confidence, or worst, fear. Since we all get undressed here with the gong, I do not want to hide anything. I’m afraid, gentlemen, to lose … to err at work, to lose clients, lose health, lose credit, lose family, lose the house.
(A Pause.)
BEN.
H-m. A bit gloomy for a swinger party. But it is interesting, interesting. Quite.
BETTY.
So put a stocking over your head, a gun in your arm and you kind of can do anything, and no fear. Others are scared, but not me. Plus, you can also give orders: lie down, stand up, lie down, stand up.
(A Pause.)
MICHAEL.
Maybe that’s why our students shoot teachers and classmates.
RICHARD.
If you view the news archives, this phenomenon is not so rare at all. Young people think life is a computer game. Decide quickly. Aim quickly. Shoot quickly. Ride their Cadillac quickly. Make love quickly. Only all this is happening face to face with a monster named “Computer”. Virtual life. Virtual feelings. Virtual values. Only in real life — oops (!) Glitch! You can’t restart the game. There’s no way to put the bullets back to the case. The dead will not rise from their graves. Grief cannot be erased from the hard drive. (Pause.) I tell you what. Man should socialize. (Pointing to the others.) With a man. And to explore themselves through communication.
(A Pause.)
MICHAEL.
Yes, that’s right. They have peculiar perception, different thinking.
CLAIR.
We can’t know what’s going on in the heads of everyone.
BEN.
Oh-oh! We are not even always masters of our own noggins.
SANDRA.
Friends, well, what kind of topic is that?
HARRY.
Betty, you just love to threaten and be in control.
SANDRA.
And your husband is still on the sidelines. We can throw a special party. (To HARRY.) It’s true, Harry.
MICHAEL.
She loves to scare and command, but it doesn’t apply to sex.
CLAIR.
Everything in the woman’s behavior is relevant to sex. Absolutely everything.
BEN.
Even for the sexually unattractive?
CLAIR.
There’s no such thing as unattractive women, only those who lack confidence in themselves.
KAT.
What does it have to do with confidence? You got an offer, take it, didn’t get one – make an offer yourself.
CLAIR (to KAT).
You, for example, Kat – an interesting slender girl.
KAT.
I haven’t undressed yet.
CLAIR.
Every morning apply makeup to your eyes and lips, manicure once a week.
KAT.
Pedicure as well, a lot of money…
BEN coughs.
CLAIR.
What for? What is all this for? Naked knees, bikini on the beach, silicone, Botox. And I’ll tell you why. This is a manhunt.
KAT.
What on earth for? (Pointing at BEN.) I’ve already slayed an elk.
BEN.
Kat!
KAT.
Men also hunt women.
BEN.
Honey, we’re not at the pub.
BETTY.
It’s not women than men hunt, but the process.
KAT.
Right. Then they need to get away and find a new chick.
BEN (reproachfully to KAT).
Sunshine!
KAT.
Well, okay, okay. Object.
CLAIR.
Richard, why do you keep quiet? Or this topic isn’t under the scrupulous analysis at your faculty?
RICHARD.
Freud hasn’t been in vogue for a while. A woman’s role by nature is to conceive and give birth. Men… Regarding the other part of humanity: “The man’s eyes spot a beautiful woman. His body wants her to reproduce”. Aristotle. End of discussion.
SANDRA.
What a shame. But our party is only about to begin!
Gong. Everyone takes off one item of clothing.
RICHARD.
Science isn’t interested in why people have sex. It’s much more interested in why people join clubs like ours.
HARRY (to RICHARD).
I hope, my friend, you haven’t come here to write your dissertation.
RICHARD.
I’m already a PhD.
SANDRA.
Excellent. Next time bring along a couple of pretty students.
RICHARD.
We don’t have any in the philosophy department.
KAT.
Philosophy department. This is the area for the rich. The rest need to do something useful — work tooth and nail.
BEN.
Some were born to peck away. And some suffer from insomnia, contemplating why all this is necessary. By the way, Harry, you throw out such parties for a long time and absolutely free.
HARRY.
You want to know what we do it for.
BEN.
I’m sorry. Tactless….
HARRY.
Not at all. Nobody ever asked me. I never really thought about it. What for. Indeed, what for.
(A Pause.)
HARRY (CONT’D).
Here, you come to the studio. Equipment, lights, cameras. Characters. Lines. Script. Everyone in their spot. Attention! Silence in the studio! Action! Go. He’s on the right. She’s on the left. Wave. Slap in the face. “Oh! How could you?! You’re an asshole! Leve me alone and never call me again!”
(Everyone who is present gives him a round of applause.)
HARRY (CONT’D).
Just no emotions. No love. No passion so strong that it gives you pain in your temples. None. Unlike here. Everything’s there.
KAT.
You are really good to be able to talk your misses into this.
SANDRA (pointing to the ceiling and the walls).
Nice-looking, isn’t it. Space. Style. (After a short pause.) Space. There are rooms I don’t enter for months at a time. (Pointing around herself.)
Sometimes it feels like this is the lobby at a hotel. It’s time to check out. So many floors! Imagine the python gets in, there’s no way you’ll find it. (Pause.) My grandfather used to have a cabin in the mountains. Wooden walls. Narrow windows. Fireplace. Always safe and warm. I always fly there in my dreams. (Pause.) We used to receive visitors. Banter at dinner – so boring. Piano concerts….
HARRY.
God save us.
SANDRA.
A friend at a fitness club told me about swinger parties. Shared her experience. (Pause.) Now (Pointing to the walls.) The space is filled with emotions. Passion! Desire! Love!
BEN.
It’s a pity you didn’t invite us to the cabin.
SANDRA.
No. The cabin is only for the two of us.
(A Pause.)
HARRY.
Michael, why so sad? Not all questions need to be answered.
MICHAEL.
We haven’t dared write to Sandra for a while. We were silent together and were thinking: “What for?” (After a short a pause.) What for? (After a short pause.) We’re running from loneliness.
KAT.
Wait, but you are…
MICHAEL.
Yes, married for many years. Children… Two. Students don’t love me. I’m an old fool who doesn’t understand why they dye their hair blue and wear rings in their nostrils. At home we… The house is too big for one family.
KAT (cynically).
Accept my condolences.
MICHAEL.
Once everyone steps into the house, they shut themselves in their rooms, glued to the computer… Glued to the computer.
CLAIR.
And your wife?
MICHAEL.
Have you ever played strip poker with your husband?
KAT (quietly).
Oh, Lord.
MICHAEL.
You are like us, turn the lights off in bed. To give your eyes some rest after work. But maybe, they don’t need rest, ha?
Thunder. Lightning. The sound of rain.
BEN.
He’s talking business. Thank God Sandra has a generator.
HARRY.
If the lights go out, we’ll have a candle-lit dinner.
CLAIR.
Loneliness is now the problem of young people. Our neighbor bought a yacht so that he can see his children more. One cabin. You can give them a hug, a pat on their back, listen to them and speak up…
BETTY.
I had a case with one couple. Interesting, in good shape, well-groomed. In their forties, not too old. They inherited a huge mansion and got lost in it. The further they went, the worse it became. Decided to get a divorce. Someone suggested a dance school. They went for it. Loved it. Spent a lot of time at it. So they rehearsed at home. Became professional. Forgot about the divorce.
RICHARD.
Friends, stop it immediately! We don’t need to justify ourselves in front of each other, in front of anyone for (theatrically.) having fallen so low (!), by coming to this party. I declare: this is an unforgettable moment of our lives. Insecurity, doubts, fear, — all this will fade away very soon. We don’t need to hide behind witty phrases and beautiful clothes. We’ll be the way people are meant to be and leave it for good. And you know what, my dear friends, this is a great trust, a great infinite trust! Trust between spouses, trust between the people who barely know each other. Trust that moves to the level of mutual understanding.
CLAIR.
Well done! Well put!
BEN.
Education cannot be drunk away.
CLAIR.
As for me, I don’t mind chatting all night long. And “without” insertion.
HARRY (to Kat).
Wait a little bit, and you’ll change…
BEN.
Ha!
HARRY.
Change your mind. (Flirting.) I promise.
MICHAEL.
Trust is a dangerous thing.
RICHARD.
Danger only increases the value of trust.
CLAIR.
By the way, there is no love without trust and trust without love. For example, you, Michael. Your students don’t like you. But you do the same, you despise them.
MICHAEL.
Well, this is a bit …
CLAIR.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Despise them. For their appearance, their fashion that you don’t understand, values beyond your grasp. You should try to love them. Try to love them, without demanding reciprocity. It’s important to love, not simply to be loved.
KAT.
Well, that’s enough of that! My head is spinning. I wish the gong went off sooner, too stuffy.
MICHAEL (to CLAIRE).
Maybe you’ve known for a while what love is?
KAT.
H-m. That’s a tough one…
HARRY (to KAT).
Pardon me?
KAT (pointing to the bottle, to RICHARD).
Pour me some, something stronger.
CLAIR.
And me. Wait, no. I’ll do it myself.
Coming up to the table, studying the bottle of whiskey, pulling the cork out, smelling the neck of the bottle, pouring some. Offers some to BEN with a gesture. He refuses.
CLAIR.
Everyone has their own understanding of love. (To RICHARD.)
What do the philosophers say?
RICHARD.
Science doesn’t provide a clear definition.
KAT.
I’ll tell you without science. Love is a desire. Not the one that brought you all here.
BEN (corrects her).
Us. Brought us here.
KAT (in a cold voice).
Of course, my dear. The one that brought us (!) all here. Love is much more than this. It’s the need to belong. Fully. With every cell of your body. Belong unconditionally.
MICHAEL.
Forgive me, Kat. But this is not even secondary school, it’s kindergarten. No one and nothing can entirely belong to us.
KAT.
I can belong to my loved one.
MICHAEL.
Really. So he possesses you?
KAT.
And no need to complicate this.
RICHARD.
Does he really own your emotions, dreams, sexual fantasies? He can hold you tight in his arms. But your thoughts, your consciousness. Who can hold all that?
CLAIR.
And who can curb your subconscious?
KAT.
Ladies and gentlemen, all this is very boring.
Gong.
KAT.
Well, finally.
Everyone takes off one item of clothing.
BETTY.
And I think that first we need to learn to be humans. And then — (Singing and imitate Carmen.) “L’amour, l’amour, l’lamour”.
BEN.
Oh-oh! We need to clarify what it means “to be human”. Indians in South America beheaded people and tore their hearts out. This ritual murder was considered to be a blessing.
HARRY.
It’s a shame that it’s too late to install the cameras and light. That’s the reality show we need!
SANDRA (theatrically).
A reality show with s-s-stripping!
HARRY.
I’ll give it some thought.
SANDRA.
Too late, my dear. I’m the author of this idea. (Pointing to the guests.) In front of witnesses, even a lawyer’s among them.
BETTY.
I don’t specialize in copyright.
SANDRA.
It’s a shame. (Pointing at Harry.) Just imagine. He steals my idea. I sue him. Claim – (Shows.) Oh My! He pays. Insurance covers it. Everyone’s happy.
BETTY.
It’s certainly a joke. But it’s not that difficult to be human.
MICHAEL.
Biblical commandments?
BETTY.
Why not?
BEN.
Stop it! Stop it immediately! We gathered here to violate one of the commandments. That means that we are not human!
(A Pause.)
CLAIR.
We’ll violate one. But follow the rest. This way we’ll remain human.
BETTY.
If you violated something, be capable of answering for it.
MICHAEL.
Exactly. Take responsibility, and don’t blame others. Even when you’re in pain, and scared, and bitter, you should still remain human.
HARRY.
Friends, I propose a toast to that! Exactly to that!
CLAIR (hurries up to the table).
A good idea. (Pours whiskey into two glasses, gives one to BEN, one KAT.) Will you allow me to look after your significant other? (KAT responds with a gesture of indifference.)
SANDRA (theatrically).
Ladies, drink your whiskey. Don’t spill it on… (Laughs.)
HARRY hands out the glasses. Pours to everyone.
BEN (to SANDRA).
Sandra, you have a very pleasant … uh … aura.
SANDRA (to BEN).
And you didn’t tell us why you’re here, my friend.
BEN (to SANDRA).
I’m afraid of kicking the bucket. That’s it.
SANDRA.
We’re not a hospital, my dear.
BEN.
Sex for men is the continuation of life. Renewal of their kind. And you know what…
SANDRA.
Ben, drink up, and let’s dance! (Turns the music on with flick of her fingers.)
BEN.
To your health. (Drinking.)
Sandra starts dancing, invites BEN with a gesture. BEN stands up. Approaches her. Stumbles, falls down unconscious. The women scream. SANDRA turns the music down with the flick of her fingers.
HARRY.
What happened?
RICHARD.
Something’s wrong with Ben!
KAT (runs to BEN and sits next to him, afraid to touch his face).
What’s wrong with him?
Everyone approaches BEN.
CLAIR (to KAT).
Does he have a history of heart issues?
KAT.
Ye-e-eh I-h …
RICHARD (to KAT).
Calm down.
SANDRA.
Is he alive?
HARRY.
Seems like he’s breathing.
MICHAEL.
His fingers are trembling. Maybe, epilepsy? Kat?!
KAT.
I know nothing!
CLAIR.
We need to call an ambulance.
SANDRA.
Ambulance?! We can call an ambulance. Only it’ll be followed by the police. And we’ll have to answer a lot of questions. (With intensity.) Ladies and gentlemen!
HARRY.
Let’s tuck him in, some pills, a wet towel. He’ll come around.
BETTY (to SANDRA).
Are you out of your mind?
SANDRA (belligerently approaching BETTY).
No. I’m fully sane! (Approaching the intercom.) Rick! Riccardo! Are you there?!
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, senora.
SANDRA (to the intercom).
No one leaves the house.
The rumble of thunder. The light blinks before it fully goes out.
BLACK OUT.
Scene Three
The lights are flashing and gradually settle down.
BEN is lying face down. All the characters are in the living room. RICHARD puts an air mattress next to BEN. RICHARD, HARRY and MICHAEL carefully turn BEN and put him on his back on top of the mattress.
HARRY.
He’s breathing!
RICHARD.
Hardly!
SANDRA.
Pulse!
HARRY.
Yes, yes! There’s a pulse.
RICHARD is feeling BEN’S wrist. RICHARD’S hands are shaking. He fails.
RICHARD.
Damn! Damn! Damn!
BETTY (screams).
He’s dying.
HARRY (screams).
Kat, what’s wrong with him?! Come on!
CLAIR (screams).
He’s not breathing!
HARRY.
He hardly drank anything!
RICHARD (screams).
He needs CPR! Kat, come here!
KAT approaches unwillingly.
RICHARD (to KAT).
Come on, do it!
KAT.
Do what?
RICHARD.
You’re his wife. So do it!
KAT sits down on top of BEN.
KAT (slightly slaps Ben on the cheek with her hand).
He-ey! Wake up! Do you hear me?! Come on, get up! Come on! (Grabs hold of BEN’S shirt and shakes him.) Wake up, you beast! (Slaps him on his cheeks, alternating hands.) Wake up, you dog! Wake up! Wake up!
BETTY (screams).
Stop it!
(A Pause.)
BETTY (CONT’D).
Mike, do something! You’ve been trained, haven’t you! All teachers have!
MICHAEL (trying to concentrate).
Well. Well.
RICHARD (screams).
Think faster!
MICHAEL.
All right. The first thing we need to do is free his mouth and stick his tongue out. (A bit enthused.) Yes-yes. Exactly like this.
KAT (stands up).
You can do it without me.
RICHARD (Hurriedly kneels at the BEN’S head and tries to open his mouth). His jaws are locked. I can’t.
BETTY (screams).
Do something! He’s dying!
HARRY.
Devil! Damn it! We need his medical records. Damn it!
RICHARD.
Knife!
CLAIRE.
Oh my God!
HARRY grabs a knife from the table and gives it to RICHARD. RICHARD is trying to insert the knife between the BEN’S jaws. Fails.
RICHARD (screams).
Damn it! (Throws the knife aside.) What are you looking at?! What?!
BETTY.
Sandra, we have to call an ambulance.
RICHARD (to MICHAEL).
A closed cardiac massage! I saw it in the TV show!
MICHAEL kneels beside BEN, put his crossed hands on his (BEN’S) chest.
BETTY (To MICHAEL).
Stop!
MICHAEL.
What’s the matter?
BETTY.
Do you have a license? Have you been trained? Are you sure you won’t do him harm?
RICHARD (to MICHAEL).
Do it! No time to argue!
BETTY.
Traces of bruises. (Points at KAT, then at BEN.)
On the face, on the back also can be found. If you break his rib, you won’t get away with it.
MICHAEL bounces off like a scared cat.
RICHARD is hysterically laughing and rolling on the floor.
SANDRA.
It seems we need an ambulance for two.
CLAIR (runs to RICHARD).
Richie! Richie! Calm down! Enough! Richie! (Runs to the table, pours some whisky into the glass and brings it up to RICHARD’S face.) Here, drink up! Come on, drink up! Drink!
RICHARD continues to laugh hysterically. CLAIRE takes a sip of whiskey.
HARRY (Trying to stop her).
Claire!
CLAIRE spits whiskey from her mouth into RICHARD’s face. He calms down.
HARRY (grimly).
No one touches the bottles and glasses!
SANDRA (Kneels down and puts her ear to BEN’S chest).
It’s beating!
CLAIRE.
Wait! The man choked, that’s it. We need to… well, I don’t know, press on his belly…
MICHAEL.
Come on, guys.
MICHAEL gets down on one knee, puts the other one forward. Slaps his knee with his hand. HARRY and RICHARD put BEN’S belly over MICHAEL’’S knee. MICHAEL hits BEN’S back a couple of times with his fist. He doesn’t respond. The men look at each other. They nod. Turn BEN upside down. Start to shake him. A recorder the size of a hand falls out of his pocket. They drop BEN.
RICHARD.
What’s this? (To KAT.) Kat!
KAT shrugs her shoulders.
MICHAEL.
Pacemaker? Kat, why are you silent?! Oh Lord, how did I overlook it earlier! This is for measuring blood sugar levels! He’s in a diabetic coma. A piece of sugar or a spoonful of honey under his tongue!
RICHARD (grimly).
Jaws won’t open. Did you forget?
MICHAEL.
Kat, is he diabetic?!
KAT (screams).
I have no idea!
MICHAEL (screams).
How can’t you know?! He’s your husband!
KAT.
He’s not my husband!
HARRY.
We-e-ell. Tell us all about it!
BETTY.
We don’t have time for details, people! The man is dying! Dying!
KAT.
I’m a call girl.
HARRY.
That’s the last thing we need!
KAT.
He ordered me for your… party. Paid in advance… Double the amount.
RICHARD (picks up the recorder from the floor).
The recorder. It’s working. (Swings as if he wants to smash it against the wall.)
SANDRA (shouts).
No! Leave it on! (After a short pause.) Leave it.
RICHARD (throws the recorder to HARRY. Points to BEN and KAT).
A set-up, ladies and gentlemen. A set-up.
HARRY.
A set-up?! Why did the provocateur pass out?
RICHARD.
Let him die.
Gong.
BETTY realizes that all of her clothes are off. Finds them (for example, a blouse or a jacket and briskly put them on in a businesslike manner.)
SANDRA (Provocatively to BETTY).
Are you cold?
BETTY.
Listen. The fun and games are over. Sandra, call 9-1-1. Before they arrive, we need to vanish. Come on, sweetie. (To MICHAEL.) Michael, where are the car keys?
MICHAEL.
All the keys are with the guard. He parked the cars.
RICHARD.
Yes, Sandra, Harry, all this is highly unpleasant… that it happened like this. B-u-t… It’s not our fault. (Looking for his clothes.) Call 9-1-1. I’ll call you later.
KAT.
Who can take me?
SANDRA (to the intercom).
Riccardo!
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, senora.
SANDRA (quietly).
Let the dogs out. Turn the surveillance cameras on!
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, senora.
Thunder, the sound of rain. The barking of the dogs.
RICHARD.
The weather. A good master wouldn’t let their dogs out in such weather. (Pause.)
SANDRA.
Everyone listen to me. We have a situation here, ladies and gentlemen. No one. (Shouts.) Do you hear me?! No one! Will be allowed to leave till we figure this out.
HARRY.
Sit down, guys. Let’s calm down. So, you came from different cities to take part in the party with the change of partners. One of the guests lost consciousness…
RICHARD (shouts).
And won’t regain it!
HARRY.
The man is in danger and can die. I don’t know how long it’ll take the ambulance to get here but we’ll have to call them. No one will leave the house until he (Points at BEN.) Is taken away.
Gong.
(A Pause.)
BETTY.
Listen, but you understand that the EMTs will call the police. I will have to tell the officer why on earth I arrived here at night in the middle of a hurricane!
KAT.
Of course you’ll have to tell them, honey.
MICHAEL.
Wait. Couldn’t we have just gotten together for dinner?
SANDRA.
We couldn’t have just gotten together for dinner.
HARRY.
The police are aware of our parties. But it’s nothing illegal so they don’t stick their noses in here.
(A Pause.)
RICHARD.
This is such a great party….
HARRY.
I’m very sorry. But if the man dies…
BETTY.
Even if he doesn’t die…
HARRY.
All of us are murder suspects.
BETTY.
Or attempted murder.
CLAIRE.
“A professor at the university and his wife, a successful psychologist are suspected of murdering their partner at a swinger party”. Classy headline in the morning paper!
MICHAEL.
Accompanied by the dean of a college and a divorce attorney. A note about each of us on the front page. They won’t write only about the call girl.
KAT.
Jealous?
(A Pause.)
BETTY.
I spent all my childhood with textbooks. This is my father’s fault. He instilled in me the fear of failure. My classmates went wild at parties, lost their virginity at the age of fourteen. And I spent all my time studying. (Pause.) I liked one boy… He was older than me. But I was on my way to success… To success. (Pause.) University. Experience. Piles of documents till midnight. Success. Reached success. The clientele, reputation, money. I reached it all. But the fear remained. The fear to lose this fucking success! (Pause.) Success. Who can I share success with? Joy? I used to have friends. Yes. Used to. Pearl smiles, hatred in their eyes. So strong. So dangerous. (Pause.) Fear… So big that it gives you shivers down your spine. Shut myself in the house. Shut from everyone.
KAT.
What about your husband?
BETTY.
Husband. In order not to lose (with emphasis.)
my husband, we came here. And here you go! Lord! (Shouts.) You think I’ll lose everything because of this fat bastard?! No way!
Gong.
CLAIRE.
After all, you can’t keep us here by force.
BETTY.
That is, by the way, unlawful.
SANDRA.
I’m not keeping you. Go. The dogs, I’m afraid, can’t be caged. Accept my apologies. It’s dangerous outside, lighting can kill you.
BETTY (to MICHAEL).
Why are you silent?
MICHAEL.
He’s breathing. For now.
KAT kneels down next to BEN. Makes his head more comfortable. Unbuttons his shirt.
CLAIRE (to RICHARD).
You wanted to change your job, didn’t you? Your colleagues irritated you, your students. Now you have a chance. It’s okay. We’ll survive. We’ll go to Brazil. Somewhere further. I know too much about (she circles her hand around her temple, which signifies that these people are crazy.) the issues of influential people. Tons of problems. And they are terrifying. The change of partners is nothing. There are such things… To Rio. Maybe, they won’t find us.
KAT (touches BEN’S forehead with her palm. To HARRY).
Can I have a tissue?
RICHARD (watches HARRY pass the napkin to KAT, who wipes BEN’s forehead with it).
I have an idea. Can everyone hear me? Sandra and Harry invited Kat and Ben to make love in a foursome. Ben is out of shape. Had a drink. Got sick. Called 9-1-1. The weather was terrible. If they got here in time, good. If not… bad.
KAT.
Yeah. In your dreams!
MICHAEL, BETTY, CLAIRE and RICHARD exchange glances with each other. Nod.
MICHAEL (To KAT).
How would you like a forty thousand bucks?
KAT (after a short pause).
What if he got poisoned?
CLAIRE (interrupts).
A hundred thousand. (Exchanges looks with MICHAEL, BETTY, RICHARD. They nod in response.)
KAT.
That’s a lot. What do I have to do?
CLAIRE.
Do you agree?
KAT.
What do I have to do?
CLAIRE.
Check or cash. You aren’t afraid of the IRS, are you?
KAT.
Fear (points at BEN.) Is the luxury of the rich.
CLAIRE.
I noticed straight away that you’re not from our circle.
KAT.
You are a psychologist. Right. Not from your (with emphasis.) Circle. Sleep with unfamiliar men right in front of your husband’s eyes. From boredom. Or from fear. Can you imagine! Sex from fear. (Screams.) And I do it for money. W-w-working! Yes-yes! Working, I need to pay for my house and electricity, for a decent school for my daughter! And I’m not ashamed! Do you hear me?! (After a short pause.) Do you want to frame me for one hundred grand?
CLAIRE.
Isn’t that selling yourself?
KAT.
I’m ready to pay myself to see how they put handcuffs on you.
CLAIRE (to HARRY and SANDRA).
How could you let this trash into the house!
HARRY.
Wait a sec. (Points at KAT.) Discussing business and not including the hosts.
Gong.
BETTY.
Harry, don’t be a fool. (Makes a gesture: “all of us”.) We’ll always find common ground.
SANDRA.
He’s barely breathing!
HARRY.
What if one of us is a murderer?
BETTY.
Kat, are you taking the money?
KAT.
Stick it up your!…
BETTY.
All right. You don’t have to. Everything is pretty simple, ladies and gentlemen. (Points at KAT.) This lady showed up here to drug us, rob us and get away. Confused the dosage. Poor Ben. Got unlucky.
MICHAEL.
I drank wine.
BETTY.
I drank Champaign.
RICHARD.
I’m driving.
CLAIRE (Points at KAT).
She was dancing next to the bottle.
HARRY.
We should save the bottle and the glasses as evidence.
BEN starts seizing. His arms and legs are half-bent and shaking. KAT runs to the table. Grabs a bottle of whiskey. Pours it on herself. Pulls out a lighter. Holds it in her arm. BEN’S seizures stop. He’s still unconscious.
KAT.
Call 9-1-1 right now. Or I’ll light it up.
SANDRA (screams).
Ah-ah-ah! Take it away! Take it away! She’s gone crazy!
RICHARD is laughing hysterically.
CLAIRE.
Is the lighter working, or should I give you mine?
KAT.
I’m counting to five.
CLAIRE.
No need to count. (After a short pause.) Unmasked criminal. Attempted suicide. “Auto de fe”. The fire alarm (Points at the ceiling.) Went off. It saved her life. Burns on the face? Not a big deal. You’ll change your profession.
KAT throws herself at CLAIRE. The women fight. RICHARD and MICHAEL manage to separate them.
KAT (to CLAIRE).
I want only one thing.
CLAIRE.
Only one? Didn’t we gather here for a group sex?
KAT.
So that we end up in one prison cell. I’ll strangle you at night, bitch!
CLAIRE.
Harry, is the recorder still on?
SANDRA (to HARRY, points at the ceiling).
Cameras! Where are the cameras?! They’ll show us the criminal.
HARRY.
Yeah, right. Had we recorded it all, it would be the best reality TV show ever.
MICHAEL.
Wait a second, were you planning on recording us?…
BETTY.
You… Oh you… I’ll sue you… Till the rest of your days!…
SANDRA (interrupts).
Betty, my sweetheart, when you were studying your lessons, didn’t you dream of becoming a porn star?
BETTY.
Don’t you dye your pubic hair? It is, after all, grey, isn’t it?
SANDRA.
Ah, you’re pig!
Rushes to BETTY. HARRY holds her back.
HARRY.
Calm down, ladies. Important people have laid on this mattress. So not only a video, but the hint at their name, will cost us our heads. So, relax.
(A Pause.)
BETTY.
Kat, my consultation is expensive, but for you, free of charge. You arrive with your client disguised as his wife at the house of wealthy people. What for? What common interests can you have with us? Your client-husband drinks the whiskey that you poured him and passes out. Why?
KAT (Points at CLAIRE).
She also poured.
BETTY.
We’ll have the best lawyers. You stand no chance against us, girl.
KAT.
We’ll see.
BETTY (points at BEN).
It’s time! His life is in your hands!
KAT.
Money first.
RICHARD.
We’ll transfer it to your account in the morning.
KAT.
Tomorrow will be more expensive.
MICHAEL.
Online transaction?
KAT.
And hurry up!
Gong.
MICHAEL, RICHARD, BETTY and CLAIRE take out their phones and enter their codes.
RICHARD (to KAT).
Give us your card.
KAT.
I don’t play cards.
MICHAEL.
Take out your credit card. We’ll transfer money to it.
KAT.
I don’t bring my credit cards to work.
HARRY.
That’s right.
KAT.
Are you ready? Bank code: zero-zero-seven. Checking account: seven-two, seven-five, three-eight, two-nine.
MICHAEL, RICHARD, BETTY and CLAIRE dial numbers on the screens of their cell phones. Each of them shows KAT their screens with the number 25,000.
RICHARD (to SANDRA and HARRY).
Call. We’re out of here.
Thunder. A flash of lightning. The light is flashing and dies out.
Music.
BLACK OUT
Scene Four
Everyone is the living room.
KAT looks at the screen of her cell phone (makes sure that the money got transferred to her account.) MICHAEL, BETTY, RICHARD and CLAIRE make sure they didn’t leave anything. RICHARD cleans his glass with a tissue (in order to get rid of the fingerprints). When MICHAEL sees it, he follows his example and does the same. The men clean the glasses of their wives.
HARRY.
Don’t bother, gentlemen. I have an idea. Kat, can you drive?
KAT.
Of course.
HARRY.
Excellent. Let’s load Ben in the back seat. Get behind the wheel. Enter the address of the nearest hotel in the GPS. Go to the highway, pull over on the shoulder and call. The story is simple. The client fell sick on the road. Decided to lay down in the back seat. That’s it.
RICHARD.
Excellent idea. But it’s time for us to go.
BETTY (to KAT).
You got paid for your silence. Remember that. (Cynically.) My dear.
KAT.
Fuck you! (Pointing at BEN.) The car keys.
MICHAEL approaches BEN and searches his pockets.
MICHAEL.
Oops! He’s not breathing! Not breathing at all! (Puts his ear to BEN’S chest.) That’s it!
RICHARD (screams).
Damn it, damn it, damn it! This son of a bitch didn’t go to the gym, swim in the swimming pool! Only drank, smoked and ate like a pig! For God’s sake! Bon appetite! But why die in our hands?! What for! This fat pig ruined our lives! In an instant! Why?! I’m asking you, why?!
(A Pause.)
HARRY.
My plan remains in force. Look for the keys.
RICHARD.
The guard must have them.
KAT.
Forget about it. I won’t drive with a dead man.
MICHAEL.
Kat. Kat! The man could have died in the car.
KAT.
You poisoned him, and I should answer for it?
(A Pause.)
KAT.
No need to rush any more. It’s raining. Is there wine left?
CLAIRE.
Not enough money for you?
KAT.
Ha.
BETTY.
Okay. No problem…
KAT (interrupts).
You never have problems. Your problems are nothing but dog shit! You make up your insecurities and then go to the psychologist.
(A Pause.)
KAT. (CONT’D)
I’m ready to kill each of my clients. Stinky dirty bastards! I hate them!
MICHAEL.
Ben is also your client.
RICHARD.
Here you go and kill him! And set us up? Bitch!
(A Pause.)
SANDRA.
All right. You practiced your eloquence. And it’s enough. Guys, take him.
KAT.
You don’t get it. I’m not going.
RICHARD (to Harry).
What are we going to do?
KAT.
You don’t know what to do. Very simple. Hit my head with the bottle. Put me to the car. And to the shoulder.
RICHARD.
Excellent plan. Only we, unlike you, are not killers!
KAT.
Good joke! Why is no one laughing?
RICHARD.
It’s a pity the money is gone.
BETTY.
The money isn’t gone. This creature killed Ben, threatened us and extorted our money. She succeeded.
KAT (to BETTY).
Treacherous bitch!
HARRY.
Swearing won’t take us anywhere. Everyone cannot answer for this (Points at BEN.) If this is a murder, we’ll find the killer ourselves.
CLAIRE (points at KAT).
And what’s that?
SANDRA.
Only several people touched the bottle of whiskey.
HARRY.
One of them was Claire. I saw that clearly.
CLAIRE.
Well…
RICHARD.
Are you insane?! We almost settled everything!
KAT.
They settled.
MICHAEL.
There are also my fingerprints on the bottle of whiskey. Only why on earth would I need to kill Ben?
HARRY.
Now, the list of suspects is narrowing. Let’s reconstruct the course of events before Ben fell. Who stood where? Come on, go quickly to your places.
CLAIRE and KAT come to the table. RICHARD is confused, cannot remember where he stood. MICHAEL is on the right. BETTY is in the middle of the living room. HARRY and SANDRA (close to each other) on the left.
MICHAEL.
He drank from the glass, all at once. Walked (Points in front of SANDRA and HARRY) here. One more step, and fell.
BETTY.
I didn’t see that. Just didn’t see.
SANDRA.
Wait. I clearly remember that one of the women passed him a glass.
CLAIRE AND KAT (simultaneously pointing at each other).
She!
SANDRA (to KAT and CLAIRE).
Looks like you (!) will have to explain it to the police.
RICHARD.
Don’t jump at conclusions. I, for example, clearly saw how you… Yeah-yeah, you Harry, inflicted a blow with the edge of your hand on his head. Eh-ya! (Demonstrates.) You’re well prepared, Harry. And thought everything well through.
SANDRA.
I hope you’re joking.
MICHAEL.
The police won’t joke. They’ll get to the bottom of it. Set everything up the way it needs to look.
(A Pause.)
HARRY.
Well, if no one wants to confess, in exactly five minutes I’ll tell you the name of the murderer, if, of course, he exists.
(A Pause.)
SANDRA.
Five minutes?
HARRY (points to the ceiling).
There at the corner.
MICHAEL.
Security camera. We have the same one.
HARRY.
No. Security is the four Dobermans, which are running around the house, looking for someone to tear apart.
CLAIRE.
You were saying….
SANDRA.
You recorded it! Oh, well done! (Throws herself around his neck.)
HARRY.
Five minutes to go up to the office, download it on a flash drive. (To SANDRA.) Turn the computer on, my dear. I’ll be right back. (About to go away.)
CLAIRE.
It was an accident.
HARRY stops. Pause.
CLAIRE (crying).
I didn’t want to kill him. (Pause.)
(Calms down, to RICHARD.)
I’m sorry, my dear. Sorry. (After a short pause.) I had a crush once. He was… This one was more confident, older. At the prom, just one sip… Only one sip. Champaign. I felt sick. He volunteered to take me home.
(A Pause.)
CLAIRE. (CONT’D)
I was incapable of fighting him back. Everything was whirling before my eyes, my hands went numb. It was hard to breathe.
(A Pause.)
CLAIRE. (CONT’D)
Bastard! I woke up in the afternoon. I thought I would die from the headache. A note in my bra: “Congratulations. Now you are a woman. Chao… Benjamin Ben”.
(A Pause.)
RICHARD comes up to CLAIRE and holds her. She distances herself from him.
SANDRA.
What about the parents, the police?
CLAIRE.
Parents and police. (After a short pause.) A shameless girl, drunk and high, gave it to her friend. No signs of struggle, alas… He found a job in another state.
(A Pause.)
CLAIRE. (CONT’D)
Congratulations. You became a woman. It shouldn’t have happened like that. (Screams.) Not like that! (Quietly.) Not like that! (After a short pause.) I started hating men. The very thought of intimacy became revolting.
(A Pause.)
CLAIRE. (CONT’D)
I tried with women, not my thing. (Pause.) Psychologists charged huge fees, but it didn’t help a bit. I decided to become… a phycologist. (Pause. Points at Ben.) Did you read his writing? No? I recommend it. Woke up a Woman. This bastard wrote the whole novel about how he raped me. With all the details. (Pause.) He changed. Grew old. Fat. But I found him and wrote to him. Chatting online. I didn’t want to meet one-to-one. Offered to write to Sandra.
SANDRA.
He wrote.
CLAIRE.
And here he is (points to KAT.) with his wife.
Gong.
(A Pause.)
RICHARD.
This is some sort of a horrible dream. I want to wake up, but I can’t!
BETTY.
So you wanted to make love with this…
CLAIRE.
“The dose” I bought at the gas station, when Richard was paying. I just needed to choose the right moment and add it into the glass. (After a short pause.) But I didn’t want to kill him.
HARRY.
What did you want then?! What?!
CLAIRE.
To see him helpless.
SANDRA.
Helpless?
CLAIRE (screams).
Yes, yes! Helpless! To see how after getting on top of one of you, he snores like a pig! And how the sweet society will laugh at him!
(A Pause.)
MICHAEL.
Falling asleep at a swinger party. Cool.
BETTY.
Ben Cooper. Wait a minute. Is he the one who wrote “Swingers Among Us”?
CLAIRE.
You are reading the wrong books.
MICHAEL.
Wow! Cooper! He’s an expert in this field!
KAT.
Now you have a guru.
HARRY.
Theoretician. We’re engaged in the practice here.
BETTY.
I sympathized with all the characters, but especially with Carolina.
MICHAEL.
Yes. Carolina was a hot woman.
RICHARD.
The woman on fire.
MICHAEL.
I was more into Ray. Cool! A real man! (Pointing to BEN.) Yeah. I feel sorry for him.
RICHARD.
Maybe everything will straighten itself out. Maybe he just had a heart attack?
CLAIRE.
He died after drinking it.
KAT (to HARRY).
Could you possibly call a cab for me?
RICHARD (to CLAIRE).
No, my dear! He didn’t die from that! He died because he didn’t receive medical assistance. Oxygen, infusion and injection – and he would be alive!
(A Pause.)
Thunder. The sound of rain.
SANDRA.
So it turns out that we are the murderers?
BETTY.
You are the hosts. You should assist your guest. Nobody kept you from calling.
SANDRA (to Harry).
Wow! Did you hear that?
HARRY.
It’s logical. No, that’s right. One hundred percent. (After a short pause.) We’ll have to explain everything to the police. I’ll explain. Explain. And I will also show them the video.
BETTY.
That would help.
HARRY.
Of course! There are a lot of interesting episodes on the recording. Our charming Kat on top of Ben slapping him in the face. She raises her fist, but we stop her. Sexy. Very sexy.
RICHARD.
Look, but this is…
HARRY.
Or like you, Richard, are trying to ram the edge of the knife into the poor guy’s throat.
MICHAEL.
This is too much, Harry!
HARRY.
And you, Michael, are breaking his spine by putting him on your knee. And this is not enough. You and Richard are turning Ben upside down and (screams.) hit his head against the marble floor!
(A Pause.)
HARRY. (CONT’D)
This is cruel, gentlemen. How could you?
SANDRA (to HARRY).
I love you! (Kisses him on his lips.)
MICHAEL.
Nice video.
BETTY.
Substantial.
HARRY.
Thank you! I’m flattered!
MICHAEL.
For sale?
KAT.
Fr-r-reaks, that’s all!
RICHARD.
One hundred thousand.
HARRY.
Wow!
BETTY.
Two hundred thousand with copyrights.
SANDRA.
Yeah, right! Any channel would pay millions for this footage!
CLAIRE.
Three hundred thousand.
RICHARD (adds).
Fifty.
KAT.
It’s a shame, I should have asked for more. A shame!
HARRY (points to RICHARD).
Three hundred fifty thousand on the right – one! Three hundred fifty thousand – two! Three hundred fifty thousand… Not sold.
RICHARD.
What kind of joke is that, Harry?! Sandra, what is it?!
HARRY.
This video is the reminder that all of us (!) are accountable for what’s happened. All of us!
KAT.
It looks like the cab isn’t coming.
RICHARD.
All of us. (After a short pause.) That’s good that’s “all of us”. We are (turns to KAT.) Educated, intelligent people. So let’s solve this problem together!
(A Pause.)
SANDRA.
Such a terrible night. Maybe let’s have a drink, or I’ll go crazy.
RICHARD.
Good idea!
HARRY (opens a new bottle of whiskey and pours it in).
Here you are, without poison.
Everyone is laughing. Drink up.
RICHARD.
So strange. Only yesterday I was giving a lecture on collective consciousness. And today here…
MICHAEL.
We were thinking of moving to Florida. Got tired of cold and slush. Longing for warmth, sun.
KAT (cynically).
You should come. People here are so friendly. Such a pleasure. (Spits on the floor.)
BETTY.
Is it true that snakes can get into your house?
SANDRA.
And the swimming pool.
HARRY.
Suppose you don’t cut the grass on time, it’s better not to step in it.
BETTY.
Yeah. Not easy. And what if you have kids?
KAT.
Ha! They remembered about kids.
HARRY.
That’s a problem.
MICHAEL.
Yes. A problem.
(A Pause.)
HARRY.
Another drink? (Points to BEN.) May he rest in peace.
RICHARD (to HARRY).
I heard you have alligators in the canals here.
HARRY.
You heard? I saw them.
MICHAEL.
Huge?
SANDRA.
A couple of years ago a young girl was running along the canal. An alligator attacked her. Somebody witnessed it. Reported. Nothing was found. Nothing.
BETTY.
Horrible!
CLAIRE.
There must be plenty of canals here!
RICHARD (glancing at BEN).
We need cinder block.
HARRY.
Are you out of your mind?
RICHARD.
The rain will destroy all traces.
CLAIRE.
He shouldn’t float. (Sharply.) And this story should never come to light!
BETTY.
I hope that’s clear to everyone.
SANDRA.
Yes-yes, certainly.
RICHARD.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, shall we get soaked for the sake of our future?!
HARRY.
Let’s go.
Gong.
BLACK OUT.
Scene Five
Thunder and the sound of rain. The light is gradually coming back.
KAT is sitting with a glass of whiskey in her hand. MICHAEL, BETTY, RICHARD and CLAIRE are getting ready to go outside. No one understands what to do at the moment.
HARRY appears with two weights in his hands; SANDRA is with him, holding a skein of thick rope.
HARRY (puts the weights next to BEN).
I think this should be enough.
MICHAEL.
Take them to the car. We’ll tie them on once we get there.
Thunder and the barking of dogs.
SANDRA (to the intercom).
Riccardo?
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, Senora.
SANDRA.
Cage the dogs. We’re going out.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, Senora.
SANDRA (to the intercom).
Eyes and ears closed.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
My lips are sealed, Senora.
HARRY.
Follow me. It’s close.
RICHARD (to MICHAEL).
We should take his car to the parking lot. It’s better to find a spot out in the open. Let the rain wash it off a bit.
MICHAEL.
Okay.
RICHARD.
I’ll take Kat home.
HARRY.
Is everyone ready?
CLAIRE.
Yes. Let’s go.
HARRY (to MICHAEL and RICHARD, pointing to BEN).
So, let’s take him. (To SANDRA.) The door.
CLAIRE.
Wait. What about the video?
BETTY.
Yes. And with Ben’s recorder?
SANDRA (opens the door. The sound of rain is intensifying).
Well, are you coming?
RICHARD.
No. It’s not what we agreed on.
BETTY.
Right. Let’s get rid of it right here and right now.
BEN (screams).
Destroy it, how?! (Gets up and stretches his limbs.)
BETTY and CLAIRE scream. SANDRA faints. The door closes. Thunder.
BEN.
Video without sound? It’s a silent movie. Right. Harry?
RICHARD (screams).
Oh, you, bastard! (Rushes with his fists to BEN. BEN dodges and shoves RICHARD.)
BEN.
Don’t.
RICHARD resumes his attempt. BEN catches his hand.
BEN. (CONT’D)
Don’t! I’ve seen it before. No need to waste the shot. (BEN lets go of his hand.)
CLAIRE gets hysterical. RICHARD embraces her and tries to calm her down. HARRY takes SANDRA from the floor and tries to get her back to her senses.
MICHAEL.
You’ll have to answer for everything.
BEN.
Answer? I will answer. (After a short pause.) But not the way you answered for your tricks! (After a short pause.) Look, it’s… To the gutter with alligators – right to their mouth. I almost peed my pants. Thanks for not cutting me up, so that I’m easier to carry. Thanks! Where are the flowers?! Eulogies?! Appreciation of my art, where?!
CLAIRE.
How dare you make jokes! Bastard!
SANDRA.
What’s going on? I don’t understand anything.
BEN (to CLAIRE).
I saw how you slipped something into my whiskey. It happened to me once at a bar. One babe decided to clean out my pockets. She failed.
CLAIRE.
I saw your pockets…
BEN.
Of course, of course, Claire, of course, You are the heroine of my novel. (After a short pause.) I’ve been dreaming about the meeting with you.
RICHARD.
Now you’ll meet the police.
BEN.
As I’ve noticed, none of you is in a hurry to deal with the police, And rightly so. (Walks along the living room. Stretches his limbs.) You thought you got the wrong dose. No. You got the wrong man.
MICHAEL.
What’s your point?
BEN.
Where’s your patience, young man? I was dying, and you were relaxing with admirable composure.
BETTY.
We don’t wear our feelings on our sleeves.
BEN.
Of course. Only bodies. Only bodies!
RICHARD.
He’s making fun of us.
BEN.
If I may, I’ll continue. Realizing what was happening, I decided to play along. I’ve been doing yoga for a long time. I can hold my breath, stop my pulse. Not for long, though. (After a long pause.) My friend, Ben Cooper, died from cancer. Metastases. He didn’t last long. He told me the story (points to CLAIRE.) of that night. He tortured and blamed himself, but didn’t dare to undertake anything. (After a short pause.) Strange. Before his death, he said: “Life is not a book, you can neither rewrite nor correct it”. (To himself.) Not a book. I began to write. My pseudonym is his name: Ben Cooper. Sounded good, “Ben Cooper”.
(A Pause.)
BEN. (CONT’D)
Forgive him, Claire. Forgive him and let it go. Ben did a terrible thing, I won’t argue. But look at yourself. In the mirror. Whenever you have time look through Harry’s video. You are worthy, wise, successful people, you are good citizens, law-abiding taxpayers… Guys, what got into you?!
(A Pause.)
BEN. (CONT’D)
A freshly mown lawn and «what will the neighbors say» is more important than a man’s life? You went too far.
(A Pause.)
BEN. (CONT’D)
Don’t even think that you can buy off your obligations of being human beings!
(A Pause.)
RICHARD.
Man, speak for yourself. Came to a swinger party with a prostitute…
BEN.
Not really. It’s better in the alligator’s stomach! (After a short pause.) But I’m grateful to you! Yes-yes! All of you! (After a short pause.) What a story, a-h Harry(?), conflict, intrigues, suspense! You can keep the recording. I remember everything. Farewell. It’s time for me to create a new n-n-novel! (Pushes the door. Gets out. The door closes behind him.)
(A Pause.)
MICHAEL.
What a story!
RICHARD.
Crises averted. Let’s have a drink.
KAT.
Maybe let’s make love instead?
BETTY (to KAT).
Return the money in the morning.
KAT.
We still need to survive till morning.
CLAIRE.
Yeah, who even needs you?
KAT.
I have a bad feeling.
SANDRA.
Come on, baby, everything’s over, apart from the trouble with the bank nothing else poses you any danger.
KAT.
During the hurricane, not only snakes but robbers too break into houses. The police can’t make it on time, and the phone line is cut…
HARRY.
It happens. Only we have Riccardo outside.
RICHARD.
Kat, we’ve already played this out.
HARRY.
Most importantly, no one died. That’s the main thing,
MICHAEL.
Okay, let’s get out of here.
HARRY (to the Intercom).
Riccardo?
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, Senor.
HARRY.
Pull the cars around so the guests don’t get wet.
RICCARDO’S VOICE.
Si, Senor.
The sound of a car door slamming and an engine running.
BETTY (to SANDRA).
I wish things were different.
SANDRA.
Don’t worry, next time.
HARRY.
We are still so young!
MICHAEL.
Right, let’s meet up again.
CLAIRE.
Only, without video, Harry.
HARRY.
What are you talking about, guys? There is no video and there can’t be one. I was bluffing and not in vain.
SANDRA.
It’s a pity there’s no movie. Although we had a good time.
BETTY.
That’s for sure.
A loud knock on the door is heard. Everyone shudders.
A MAN’S VOICE BEHIND THE DOOR.
Open the door, I have a bomb! Open it, come on!
SANDRA (Rushes to the intercom).
Rick?!
HARRY.
He’s pulling the cars around.
RICHARD.
Damn it!
SANDRA (Looks at the screen of the intercom).
A man in a raincoat with a hood on. I don’t see the face. He has something in his hand,
HARRY (screams).
Get out of here immediately, the security is already here.
A MAN’S VOICE BEHIND THE DOOR.
You don’t have security.
MICHAEL.
He killed Rick!
BETTY.
I’m scared.
KAT.
Again scared? See what happens when you get naked with men!
CLAIRE.
It’s better to open. Otherwise, he’ll blow the house up.
HARRY.
He won’t manage (rushes to the wall next the intercom and pulls out his gun. To SANDRA.) Bullets!
SANDRA runs to the opposite wall, searching for something, finds a box with bullets, rushes to HARRY and gives them to him.
CLAIRE (screams).
Stop it!
BETTY (screams).
You are out of your mind!
KAT.
Cover your ears! (Covers her ears.)
HARRY (loads the gun with 2 bullets, clicks the safety off).
No one comes into my house uninvited! (Stands in front of the door. To RICHARD.)
Come on!
RICHARD jumps to the door, opens it. In the doorway we can see BEN in a raincoat with a hood on, his face is hidden.
HARRY shoots at BEN. He flies out. A bundle is left on the floor.
HARRY (screams).
A bomb! Lie down!
Everyone throws themselves to the floor and cover their heads with their hands.
(A Pause.)
Everyone gradually get up on their feet from the floor. MICHAEL picks up a bundle and unwrap it. In his hands – a book.
MICHAEL (reads the cover).
Ben Cooper. “Woke up a Woman”. (Looks at everyone, they are silent. Opens the book, reads.) “To the heroine of my novel, Claire, with gratitude and best wishes, Yours, Ben Cooper”.
Gong.
Thunder.
The sound a police siren approaching.
Music.
The lights go out.
BLACK OUT.
END OF PLAY
Leon Agulansky 2015
Добавить комментарий