Internet Love Story Comedy
By Leon Agulansky
Synopsis
Fortuna and Yonona meet after months of passionate online flirting, only to discover that real life looks very different from Skype. Their romantic encounter quickly turns into a hilarious battle of deception, money, marriage, and hidden motives. When Yonona is “bitten” by a dog, the two invent an outrageous compensation scheme that unexpectedly brings them closer. In a world where everyone wears a virtual mask, can a genuine love story survive?
Cast: one man, one woman. Running time 75 min.
Lovedog@dot.com
Internet Love Story Comedy
By Leon Agulansky
CHARACTERS:
FORTUNA (Nick Name)– an immigrant living by the sea, recently fired cameraman, 50-55 years old man.
YONONA (Nick Name) – a tourist, junior school teacher, 45-50 years old woman.
Scene settings are of no importance for this play. Summer.
Scene One
At the stage there is a coffee table and a couple of armchairs. The space without walls and partitions is organized in a way as if there is drawing room at the center and bedrooms at the sides.
FORTUNA (wearing trunks and an old T-shirt speaks via an iPod pressing a white folded shirt with a tie against his chest).
Dear, we’ve known each other for such a long time, maybe we can be more open to each other?
YONONA (speaking into the iPod).
Oh, darling, we know each other only as pen friends. My camera doesn’t work.
FORTUNA.
Can you see me?
YONONA.
What? Sea? Can’t hear you.
FORTUNA.
I said, married couples don’t spend as much money per month talking to each other as we do (emphasizing) per one day (stressing “day”).
YONONA.
They? Who are they? I can’t make it out.
FORTUNA.
Make out? Are you (emphasizing) making out with me?
YONONA.
What? Out? Do you want to go out with me? (Emphasizing) Like a date?
FORTUNA.
Fate? Do you believe in (emphasizing.) fate?
YONONA (laughing).
Faith? Are you a religious person?
FORTUNA.
Indigenous, you said?
YONONA (merrily).
Sad?! No, not sad at all!
FORTUNA.
A tall? Tall is good. You must be very pretty.
YONONA.
Thank you so much.
FORTUNA.
Hey, why don’t you come to me? You’ve got long holidays. What do you say? I’ll buy you the ticket.
YONONA.
No, no. You know, I can’t afford it.
FORTUNA
No, no, no! I’m paying (waves his hand and drops the shirt.)
YONONA.
If you are so stubborn, let’s share it, so as not to offend anyone.
FORTUNA (with relief).
Well, if you insist.
YONONA (with a sigh of disappointment).
I do… (to herself.) insist.
FORTUNA.
Sis’? Sister? Is she younger or older?
YONONA.
Holder? To hold what? You don’t have holders there?
FORTUNA.
Hold us there? Who us? You should come alone. (To himself.) I liked the idea with the sister, though, if she’s younger of course…
YONONA.
For how long should I come? Oh, you’ve disappeared. Can’t see you.
FORTUNA.
Huh? See you? Oh yes, see you soon.
YONONA.
Bye, darling! (Blows a kiss.)
SOUND OF EXIT FROM SKYPE.
YONONA (dials a number on her mobile phone).
Hello? Ann?.. Yes… Hi… Listen, could you lend me a couple of grand… (Sneering.) No, dollars… (Admiringly.) Yes, really!.. The guy from Skype… Looks fine on the screen… Men don’t put on makeup… How do you know all of that?.. And how about you?.. No, only young are needed for organs. We have smoked lungs and enlarged liver… Oh, come on!.. Ha! Not frightening at all! My whole life is one big sexual slavery. And these days it’s nothing but a hobby, like knitting – to calm yourself down and only during weekends… Are you serious?.. No way!.. Well, yes, I can… Okay… He will hit it up for sure… (Laughs.) Shame on you… (Seriously.) If worst comes to worst I will not reveal myself at the airport or give myself in to the authorities!.. To the hotel… I’ll handle it… So, what about my favor?.. Do you have it?! Thank you! Coming. I’m coming. Bye. (Closes the mobile phone and heads towards the exit.)
FORTUNA (speaking on his mobile phone).
Sam, no, that’s not why I’m calling… Yes, I will give it back! I will! You have my promise! Don’t you believe your best friend?! I will give it back, give my life with interest… Yes… Oy, don’t you piss me off… You also call me only when you need something… It’s normal… If you don’t stop it now I will close my phone… I’m not threatening you. I will just close my phone and you will not know how much I love you… I’m not joking… I’ll give you the money… It’s got nothing to do with that! Sam, do you remember the movie “Secret Agent”?.. You mustn’t talk only about money! It’s bad form! (After a short pause.) Alright, do you want me to come right now? Yes. I will leave it all and bring you the cheque… Sam, can you accept a cheque drawn on Sabbath? What if your mama knows?.. Okay, that’s it! I’m tired of your nagging! Pull yourself together and listen… Sam, do you remember the movie “Secret Agent”?.. Have you ever been a small boy?.. Now you’ve grown to be a big handsome man… I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry. Now. Peace. Now. Sam… Don’t interrupt… We’ve always helped each other… I will give it back, how many times do I have to repeat it?! Sam… What? Today?! I remember, I do. You’ve told me all about it already… Sam, one more word about the debt and I’ll bring you the cheque!.. No, don’t cry. You mustn’t cry on Sabbath. It is labor… Sam, do you remember the movie… Ahh, never mind. You’ll have it. But I’m a human being and I reserve the right of veto… Listen, you’ve got a nice car. Meet her at the airport… What’s so funny?.. Me? Oh. Now I see you don’t remember the movie… Alright. That’s it. Sam, that’s it! I will explain slowly for you to understand quickly. If she is so (draws a circle around his face.) fine and all the rest is too, you will introduce yourself as my personal driver and you take her to my place… Good boy, Sam, way to go. If she’s ugly or worse, you will introduce yourself as me and you take her to your place… Romantic, isn’t it?.. Oh, right, you don’t remember the movie… (Seriously.) Yes. Okay. Good. Got you. Yes. Then you can tell her I’m dead… What’s the difference?! From love. Heart rupture. At the operation table, on duty as they say. You can take her to the cemetery. You choose the place. Find a new grave. I rely on your taste. Let her buy some flowers, dip into her pocket… Then you can tell her you have work, some business to do, say you’re sorry and so on… Thank you, my friend. I won’t forget it… I’ll give it back. I will. Bye, See you. (To himself.) Bastard!
Day of her coming. He is preparing for the visit. Smartens up. Gets irritated. He can’t choose what to wear and how to appear in her eyes – as a macho with a cigar, as an intellectual with a cigarette, an always-busy businessman, or a bored melancholic. He puts on black pants and a new white shirt with a price tag hanging on it.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS.
FORTUNA (into the mobile phone).
Hello! Sam?.. Are you there? Put me in the picture… Good. Clear… Sam, hold the sign with the name looking outward, not at you… Have you taken the iPod?.. Good boy… Are they coming out?.. Turn it on… Turn on the Skype (Skype signal is heard. He picks up the iPod. Turns on the picture.) I see them! Focus. Focus. Got it! Turn down the volume. That’s good. Good. Don’t shake the iPod, I can’t stand rocking. Who would make such a picture! People should be in the middle! Don’t shake it, I’m about to throw up… Okay. Two old ladies… Her? No. This one is fine, huh? Let’s take her?.. That one too… This one is limp. There’s one that looks like her… Oh! A man meets her. What a shame… Sam, Sam, where are you? What’s going on?! Syoma. (Sound of exit from Skype.) (To himself.) Oh, Sam. I wish I had returned the debt to you. You’ll set me up. I feel it in my guts!
MOBILE PHONE RINGS.
FORTUNA (answers in a low voice).
Hello? Sam? So, how is it?.. Good… And in general, well, you know… Many things?.. That’s it?.. Okay. Fine. I’m waiting. Bye.
He puts a table cloth on the table. Puts two chairs or armchairs at the table, puts a bottle of wine and glasses on the table.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS.
FORTUNA (into the mobile phone).
Here? So quickly! Sam, you mustn’t speed at the highway… You must have been shot by a speed camera. You can add the fine to my debt… Okay. I’m waiting… (Recalling something.) Sam, Sam, how is she?.. Sam, it is beastly of you to talk about money at such a moment. A man’s fate could be on the line right now… What? (Disappointedly.) You have bought a pen that is allowed to write on Sabbath?.. What are you spending your time and money on?! I tell you, as you are my best friend, all the cheques that I drew on Sabbath came back to me… Sam, do you hear me, where are you?..
DOOR BELL RINGS.
FORTUNA.
Yes, please. Come in.
The door opens slightly.
FORTUNA (wearing the shirt with the price tag on. Turns his back to the door. Says loudly into the mobile phone).
I don’t care what the chief doctor wants! I’m the one who decides! I! So, cancel all my operations. I’m on vacation. (Shouts.) I know it’s not allowed to draw cheques on Sabbath! I know! But this is business, international business. Execute! Report to my secretary! Over! (Turns around.)
YONONS enters, dressed strictly like a businesswoman, with a wheeled suitcase in her hands. He and She stare at each other in silence, disappointed with what they see, but both trying to conceal it.
YONONA.
Hello, hi, I’m You (pointing at him.) No, (shaking her finger to the sides.) Na (middle finger up.)
FORTUNA.
Hi. I’m Fortuna (showing his fingers.) For (four fingers.), tu (two fingers), na (middle finger up.)
YONONA.
I wouldn’t have recognized you.
FORTUNA.
Computer distorts the image. I look better in person.
YONONA.
And me?
FORTUNA.
My display makes you a bit, you know, vertically pulls the image (shows with his hands how a face’s image can be vertically pulled.)
YONONA (with a sigh).
Mine too. Pulls money from my pocket. Quite an expensive toy.
FORTUNA.
If it wasn’t for this toy we wouldn’t have met.
YONONA.
Right.
FORTUNA.
How was the flight… your flight?
YONONA.
You promised to pay for half of the ticket (laughs.) I’m just kidding.
FORTUNA.
Oh! That trifle. (Shouts towards the door.) Sam, Samuel, are you still here? Fetch me my wallet, will you, Sam? He’s gone. Didn’t want to disturb us.
YONONA.
Nice fellow.
FORTUNA (cynically). Yes. I like him too. Though he likes borrowing money. But as soon as the payment time comes he puts on his black kippah and cries.
YONONA.
Kippah?
FORTUNA.
Yarmulke. He’s sort of religious. I’m not very comfortable when I ask him to return the debt. I pity him. Sometimes I would give him a grand, sometimes two. Come in, come in.
YONONA.
It’s hot here (starts to take off her clothes.)
FORTUNA (frightened).
Hold on, darling. I’ve got an air conditioner. You’ll get used to it.
YONONA.
I think I’d rather go to a hotel…
FORTUNA (flirting).
Are you afraid of me?
YONONA (flirting).
Oh. I am.
FORTUNA.
I know, I know. You were pretty courageous when writing to me.
YONONA.
And you were pretty courageous when sending me the photos. (Having examined him all over.) Not yours, right?
FORTUNA.
My. Of course my. The photographer is a pro. Highest class. Simply the best. As soon as his lens turns to you everything just, you know… transforms, stiffens, and stuff.
YONONA.
Is the sea far from here?
FORTUNA.
Two steps away, half an hour driving… in case, there are no traffic jams.
YONONA.
So, maybe, I’d rather… (pointing at the door.)
FORTUNA.
No, no, darling. (Pointing with his hand.) This room is for you. And this one (pointing with his hand.) is mine. (Flirting.) If you feel scared to be alone…
YONONA (with a sigh). The main thing is not to feel scared to be, you know… well… with someone else.
FORTUNA.
To get rid of fear people turn off the light.
YONONA.
And close their eyes.
FORTUNA.
If I close my eyes when lying, I will open them in the morning. So, feel yourself at home, darling. My home is your home.
Each goes to the corresponding part of the stage, as if each one goes to a personal room. She opens the suitcase, takes out her cosmetics bag, looks into the mirror, rogues her lips. She leaves the cosmetics bag up front.
FORTUNA (into the mobile phone, quietly).
Sam, where is the switch… In the bedroom… Really? All the normal people have it on the wall, not on a (emphasizing.) remote control! I thought it was from a TV set… Video?.. What’s the difference!.. What’s the big deal?.. It’s just a family video. Can’t I see it?.. We are… Alright. I will not watch your video. Fine. Don’t get mad. Keep it calm. I tell you, get a hold of yourself. Get a hold of… Don’t go crazy. I’ll handle it. I’ll find it. Over. (Closes the mobile phone.)
YONONA (into the mobile phone, quietly).
Ann, Annie? Hi… I’m there… Everything’s fine. At his place…
What are you talking about… Are you thinking only about it? The house is good… View of the sea… What’s the difference?.. He agreed to love in the dark, not to be afraid… It’s a bummer, there are no white nights here. No insomnia. Doesn’t look like he drinks much… He’s got money, a car, a personal driver… I’ll do my best… (Laughs.) You are a spoiled silly girl! Come on…
FORTUNA (into the mobile phone).
Looks fine. Horny… (Sharply.) Yes, I’m sharp-sighted!.. Are you envious? Shame on you. And you call yourself a friend… Sam, one more word about the debt and I will go to see your chronicles… That’s better… That’s it, I’ve got a romantic evening, bye. (Comes to the center of the stage, sits at the table.) Darling, I’m waiting for you. (Opens a bottle of wine, sniffs it, puts it on the table. Takes a flask of whisky from the suit, drinks for courage.)
YONONA appears. Approaches, sits at the table.
FORTUNA (pours wine).
I usually don’t drink. But in this case (raises his glass.)
YONONA.
Why, any restrictions? Doctors, tests, medicines?.. (Raises her glass.)
FORTUNA.
Medicines are full of wile. Trying to keep healthy life-style.
YONONA.
Alone?
FORTUNA.
Of course not. With internet and Skype. Sometimes watch my VCR, family archive, to keep the faces of the close ones in memory.
YONONA.
VCR is an anachronism.
FORTUNA.
Anachronism? Yes! Yes! Definitely! Yes! You can’t find a better word for that!
YONONA.
Now internet rules the world. You can do everything there – quarrel, make up, fall in love and break up. But you can’t only get pregnant there.
FORTUNA.
Yes, that’s right, that’s right. You need a direct contact for that…
YONONA (points below his belt).
Insert a memory stick, upload data.
FORTUNA.
A “stick” sounds too diminutive.
YONONA (drinks).
Antivirus sometimes doesn’t help. If you catch something nasty you will have to clean it up. (Pours some more and drinks it.) You’ve got a wonderful house.
FORTUNA.
Nothing special…
YONONA (pours some more and drinks it).
Where is the ladies’ room?
FORTUNA (doesn’t know what to say, laughs).
You need more ladies stacked in a special room?
YONONA.
Ladies’ room, well, where’s the toilet?
FORTUNA.
We’re starting to forget the mother tongue.
YONONA.
You forget your mother tongue, but never learn the local language. Is that right?
FORTUNA.
We never knew the mother tongue well either.
YONONA.
Toilet is a toilet anywhere.
FORTUNA (laughs).
Even in Africa?
YONONA.
Yes, for the sake of contrast. (Pours some more wine and drinks it.) Will you show me or shall I fly to Africa instead?
FORTUNA (with diffidence).
There, there (points somewhere backstage). You will find one of them.
YONONA.
I will. (Leaves.)
FORTUNA (sneaks into her room. Burrows into her cosmetics bag. Finds pills. Dials a number on his mobile phone. Quietly).
Hello? Sam, are you sleeping? No, I didn’t call you for that… Listen, do you remember the movie “Secret Agent”?.. Oh, I’m sorry, now, now… (Crossly.) Sam, one more word and I will start talking unfriendly to you… Sam, it’s night time and you’re talking that rudely. Listen, what is Norvas? Yes, yes, Norvask?.. Pressure… And Sinufed, uh-huh… Yes. There’s also Primalin… Primonil, yes… Sedative?! Against urinary incontinence?.. No way! (Irritated.) Piles of pills and glasses. They’re so huge you can burn something if you point them at the sun. Right, had a model as a pen-friend and what I really get is a blind woman with urinary incontinence… Yes… (Looks round.) Drinks like a fish… I didn’t even offer her vodka… You should have taken her to the cemetery from the airport straight away… Sam, what is anachronism? Alright, alright, peace. Don’t get mad. Bye (closes the mobile phone, continues burrowing into the cosmetics bag.)
YONONA appears. Sneaks into His room. Looks around. Dials a number on her mobile phone.
YONONA.
Hello? Ann, hope I didn’t wake you up… Sorry, I know it’s your work number. Now, he’s got no pictures of women… No handcuffs and whips… I saw no vibrator… (Sharply.) I saw it in a movie… what difference does it make where?! I found no Viagra… Why, I’m not going to look in his pockets… He’s got a VCR. Says it’s family chronicles… Wait (finds a remote control, presses a button. Loud sounds of a porn movie are heard. Horror-stricken she tries to turn it off, which she manages not very quickly. Into the phone.) No, it’s not me, not me! (Closes the mobile phone, after a pause.) Right… That’s what I get – a sexual maniac… theorist.
FORTUNA and she are stepping backwards until collide with their backs.
FORTUNA.
Did you find the ladies’ room, dear?
YONONA.
I changed my mind.
FORTUNA.
Changed your mind (To himself.) Now you’ve got a new one… How do you feel? You should have something to eat, because pills ought to be administered when you’re full.
YONONA.
Good idea. (Sit at the table. He opens sea-biscuits. Raise their glasses with wine.) Here’s to our acquaintance, dear!
FORTUNA.
No. To our encounter!
They drink.
YONONA.
Did you take a vacation?
FORTUNA.
Oh, it was rather hard. By the way, you shouldn’t say “dear” to a private practitioner.
YONONA.
I will call you “priceless” then.
FORTUNA.
Everything has got its price.
YONONA.
Do you do breast augmentation?
FORTUNA.
You don’t need it.
YONONA.
What an eye!
FORTUNA.
Locals prefer to reduce their breasts.
YONONA.
Why?
FORTUNA.
So as not to drown in the sea.
YONONA.
What a stupid thing to do! Mother Nature gives them (shows how big a breast should be.) so you should lie on a beach a cast some shadow. But no. They need to get to the sea, to be eaten by sharks. (Pause.) Can you do face lifting? Our people now straighten their wrinkles with golden threads. Quick and painless. But quite expensive.
FORTUNA.
Here people are going crazy too – lifting. You should be lifting your pants when they fall down. And face, no matter how much you will suspend it (shows.) it will fall down anyway. I can’t get why they do that.
YONONA.
For the tan to lie evenly.
FORTUNA (examines her face, touches it with his fingers. In a professional manner).
Would you like to have it too?
YONONA.
Will you give me a discount?
FORTUNA (flirting).
If you give me something else.
YONONA.
Oh, oh, oh! So daring you are!
FORTUNA.
Actually, I don’t do face lifting. (Proudly.) Not my specialty.
YONONA.
What is yours?
FORTUNA.
Well, emm… some other organs.
YONONA (flirting). What organs?
FORTUNA.
Such organs…
YONONA.
Really? Can you be more specific here?
FORTUNA.
Is it a questioning or something?
YONONA.
Why so tight-lipped?
FORTUNA.
I can’t tell. Patient confidentiality.
YONONA.
I don’t need your patients’ names.
FORTUNA.
No names?
YONONA.
Uh-huh.
FORTUNA (laughs).
It’s not interesting without names. Just look in the internet – a star and his diagnosis, another star and her diagnosis too. Why don’t you tell me about yourself?
YONONA.
You’ve got it all from me in Skype. You should be an investigator, not a surgeon…
FORTUNA (flirting).
What about real-life communication?
YONONA.
Well, first make up your mind if it’s going to be “about yourself” or we go (points towards his room.) to have “real-life communication”.
FORTUNA.
Darling, we’re having a romantic evening… (Flirting.) And we have all night ahead of us. Let’s have some drink (raises his glass.)
YONONA.
Here’s to us! (Drinks her wine.)
(A Pause.)
They look at each other, shrug. The conversation isn’t going too well.
FORTUNA.
So, emmm…
YONONA.
About myself.
FORTUNA.
Yes.
YONONA.
What can I say… Business woman in the modern world is no joke, man. Interest rate and income state, lenders and vendors… squeezing and leasing, kickbacks and greenbacks (shows “money” with her fingers), information and (shows someone writing a denunciation.) denunciation, dough is tough, pay tax and relax.
(A Pause.)
FORTUNA.
Realty, to cut a long story short.
YONONA.
The real estate.
FORTUNA (nodding). Drill aesthete – nice name for a dentistry clinic.
(A Pause.)
YONONA.
But I can’t complain. The main thing is to let sleeping geese lie.
FORTUNA.
Let sleeping dogs lie.
YONONA.
Yeah, dogs too.
FORTUNA.
What if a person owes you something and wouldn’t pay.
YONONA.
A lessee you mean?
FORTUNA.
Let it be a lessee.
YONONA.
There’s a working algorithm.
FORTUNA (sneering).
Alco rhythm – to sit and have a drink in slow pace?
YONONA.
It’s the first stage. The second one is a letter from a lawyer. The third one is…
FORTUNA (interrupts).
Summons to court.
YONONA.
No-o-o. Court can turn it in such a way that you’ll turn from a creditor to a debtor.
FORTUNA.
Letters, phone calls and he (pointing at himself.) wouldn’t pay. And that’s it. What next?
YONONA.
Clinching.
FORTUNA.
We-ell.
YONONA.
And squeezing.
FORTUNA.
Wow!
YONONA.
It’s a paid service. You’ll have to count everything.
FORTUNA.
Specificity.
YONONA.
They say, it’s not we who choose the profession, it’s the profession that chooses us.
FORTUNA.
I don’t know who chooses who. I scrrrub my hands with brushes! Put on my gloves! Go to the table. Take my lancet… gas or, you know, scissors… laser scissors and I’m there. First you cut it. Shape it. Then knit – white goes to white, red goes to red, skin, iodine, bandage.
YONONA.
Remuneration.
FORTUNA.
Of course!
YONONA.
What do you suck fat with?
FORTUNA.
Well, you know, sucker… devices (adding the last letter after a moment of hesitation.)
YONONA.
Do patients feel pain when they have deep peeling?
FORTUNA.
Depending on the type of pills.
YONONA.
Is it true that you can fall asleep a plumber and wake up a highly-paid prostitute?
FORTUNA.
Prostitute is not a diagnosis.
YONONA.
I know. It’s a profession. Hey, what if a man wants to change his sex and become a woman… How does it work?
FORTUNA.
It’s our first date, a romantic evening, and you’re talking about God knows what…
YONONA (thoughtfully).
How mad can you be to pay your own money to make someone cut you the thing that will never grow.
FORTUNA (professionally).
It will not. Won’t grow, no matter how much you water it. (Pause.) You can extend it.
YONONA.
Just between us, how much does it cost?
FORTUNA.
Wow! (Whistles.)
YONONA.
Wow? (Whistles.)
FORTUNA.
No. Wo-o-ow (whistles.) plus tax.
YONONA.
In cash, with no receipt?
FORTUNA.
With no receipt? (Suspiciously.) Who would take money without receipt?
YONONA (cynically).
My Goodness! What am I saying?
FORTUNA (flirting). You don’t have to correct anything.
YONONA.
You think so?
FORTUNA.
I’m sure.
YONONA.
You haven’t seen my “everything” yet. I might as well be a she-male…
FORTUNA (quickly takes his mobile phone, looks at it).
I’m sorry, darling, it’s from the hospital. I’ll be right back. (Hurries into his room, presses a button on his mobile phone. Quietly.) Hello? Sam? No, that’s not why I’m calling… Listen, what is she male? (Pause.) Didn’t get it at all! Can you explain it in my language?!. Right… The upper part is woman… The lower part… You’re kidding?! (Shaking his head indignantly.) Michelle’s top, but Michael’s bottom. (Pause.) There ought to be a law against such operations!.. With capital punishment!… I’m sorry not you, not for you… What should I do now?.. Where shall I run in the middle of the night? I’ll lock the door… Thanks… Oh, don’t start! I already feel ashamed to be your friend!.. Sam, do you remember the movie “Secret Agent”? Don’t shout! So, Sam. (Emphasizing.) “Secret Agent” is not even close! Bye! (Presses a button on his mobile phone. Returns to her.) Darling (examining the bottom part of her body.), sweetie, are you interested in women?
YONONA (with low voice). Only in men, only (smacks her lips imitating a kiss, he shivers. She laughs.)
FORTUNA (pointing at his room with diffidence).
So, maybe we could…
YONONA.
Watch some family archive. Good night, dear. (Goes into her room.)
FORTUNA.
Sweet dreams! (Enters his room. Presses a button on his mobile phone.) Sam, bad news… Looks like she’s from tax inspection… You should know better. Got your fairing?! I’ve always told you, “The sun comes up to shine for all!” And you are willing to cut off anything for money… Sam, if it’s a set-up, I’ll handle it. You’re not going to prison!.. I’ll bribe her… Why are you thinking only about money?.. I’ll bribe her with my sexual services… or (with a sigh) him… Good night, (cynically.) dear.
Scene Two
FORTUNA and YONONA appear after shopping. She wears bright luxuriant clothes. He carries packages with Her new outwear.
She is in a lifted mood. He tries to laugh, but it sounds very forced.
YONONA.
It’s cheaper than we have, and the choice is good.
FORTUNA (nods at Her clothes).
Isn’t that too bright?
YONONA.
Oh! It’s so clear you’re not a “pro” in clothes.
FORTUNA.
I am a pro… without clothes…
YONONA.
All men are boasters. Until…
FORTUNA (dreamingly).
Female patients are unbuckling their bras all by themselves. And for that they’re parting with their (emphasizing.) cash. They’re even standing in line to show me what they’ve got.
YONONA (cynically).
Hard labor. You can count on my sympathy.
FORTUNA.
Thank you. Dear. (Pointing at packages.) Why so many?
YONONA.
What can I do? I’ve got standard form.
FORTUNA (thinking looks at the lower part of her body).
Stan-dard.
YONONA.
Whatever I wear fits me well. I’ll give you a fashion show while you’ll be making us coffee (takes packages, hurries into her room.)
FORTUNA (goes into his room, presses a button on his mobile phone, tragically.)
Sam, she’s not a tax authority… I’ve saved you some money on penalty. You owe me a hundred grand. But I won’t be reminding you about that often, like some… I hear you well… Where do you keep coffee?.. I won’t touch your cushion… (With a sigh.) Yes, we were at a café, several times!.. You spare me some coffee?.. Sam, I’ve got a business offer for you – let’s double the sum of my debt… Sam, one more word and I’ll offer to triple it. You know me… It’s you who is ungrateful and senseless! I am saving you from tax inspection, I put up barricades at night, I suffer from nightmares, and you… (Quietly.) Sam, I won’t hold it for a long time. We have to do something. It’s in your interests… Sam, how do you find her-him? Maybe… Okay, okay, I’m closing my mouth… Sam, Sam! (Disappointed.) I thought you were saving people’s lives in the operation room, and you… Alright. Bye (closes his mobile phone.)
YONONA (into the mobile phone).
Ann? Hi. How are the guys?.. Good. Well, not so good… Took him shopping, found a lot of things, and he left the wallet with the driver… Of course, what do you think? I even had to pay for the coffee myself… Offers me a threesome… You wish! Another woman, can you imagine that? Asks me what I feel about women… You come here if you’re that brave… I have some more left. If the driver is far now I won’t hold it for a long time. (Sharply.) I can’t pay with my body now. Hey, I’ve got a business offer for you… (His singing is heard.) I’ll call you back. Bye (closes her mobile phone.)
FORTUNA (comes in with two cups of coffee, sits at the table).
Dear, the coffee is ready. Where is my fashion show?
YONONA.
Coming. I’m coming. Attention, music!
RUMBA MUSIC SOUNDS.
She appears in luxuriant clothes and sings. She returns into her room to change her costume into a more provocative one.
FORTUNA (presses a button on his mobile phone. Into the mobile phone).
Sam, you know, she’s okay. I might get used to her… Sorry, sorry, I’ll call you back. I’m sorry.
She appears dressed in manly style.
ROCK MUSIC SOUNDS.
She sings, “pushing” Him. She returns into her room to change her clothes.
FORTUNA (presses a button on his mobile phone).
Sam? (Sharply.) You can’t?! Operation?! I’ve got Michelle-Michael here – it’s so crazy! (Closes his mobile phone.)
YONONA appears dressed in bikini with feathers behind her back and on her head. Samba music sounds. She dances and sings.
YONONA.
So, what do you think about my figure?
FORTUNA.
Sorry, dear, I have to make an urgent phone call.
YONONA.
Something happened?
FORTUNA.
Yes… Oh, yes. The driver can’t find the wallet, bastard!
YONONA.
How much did you have there?
FORTUNA (showing the thickness of the pile with his fingers).
That much.
YONONA.
But you must have a bank account.
FORTUNA.
That’s right! I have to warn the banks, block my credit cards.
YONONA (sad).
Go, darling, go. I’ll save you. (To herself.) When I’ve run out of money, you’ll find me at the races… singing. (Goes into her room, singing.)
FORTUNA (on his way to his room presses a button on his mobile phone).
Hello. Sam? Hello… The diagnosis she male proved to be wrong… No, not yet! I saw it through her bikini. Sam how are your patients feeling?.. Don’t say so. I’m talking with an open h… My refrigerator works with breaks… Long ones, but it’s saving money… Why do you need a fridge after all, Sam? You can dine at restaurants… Sam, I’m your best friend… Only I can stand your moaning about money… Yes, yes, about money. Sam, I am frustrated, even more than you are. She used to write that she rents offices, she’s on velvet and is looking for spiritual communication?.. Instead, she drinks off candle-ends to leave empty bottles… Sam, I’m not sure. I’m tortured by deep hesitations… Her clothes left a waiter in a café with a jaw dislocation and goggle eyes! She didn’t even leave anything as a tip to the poor guy… Her phiz corresponds to her age, but the body looks young… It’s easy for you to say that, while I’m embarrassed to undress even in the dark… I know you’re not a shrink. I know. I must keep you informed, we are companions after all… Alright, alright, not a companion, a debtor, (to himself.) what’s the difference? Sam, how much would it cost to re-book a ticket to an earlier date?.. (Sharply.) Don’t be rude. I’m just asking you about the ticket… You know nothing except your surgery. (Closes his mobile phone. To himself.) Bad for you. It’s you who will pay, after all.
FORTUNA comes out of his room. She, dressed in a bathrobe, rushes towards him.
YONONA.
Darling, don’t worry about that. Money is no big deal. Money is just something relevant.
FORTUNA.
“Relevant”. You work your fingers to the bone – “take” it to your best friend
(A Pause.)
YONONA.
For example in our County shop a blouse costs ten dollars, while on Down Town of the Capital City the same blouse costs a hundred.
FORTUNA.
Let’s sit down.
FORTUNA gets into the armchair. She suddenly sits on his lap.
( A Pause.)
YONONA (stands up).
Hard, (to herself) but not there. (Pause.)
FORTUNA.
Dear, since we started to live under one roof… Well, we don’t suit each other.
YONONA.
I suit, but you rush away to your room. Or shall I fly after you.
FORTUNA (thoughtfully).
Fly.
YONONA (rises, walks about the room).
Don’t be shy, tell me what’s wrong with me. Figure? We’ll fix it. (Points at her face.) Personality? We’ll erase it and paint a new one.
FORTUNA.
My… How should I say that…
YONONA.
I understand. Your hound would not bark. (Pause.)
FORTUNA.
No, no, not that at all!..
YONONA (disappointed).
A doctor that uses his lancet to make people… better…
FORTUNA (interrupting).
People are made not with a lancet.
YONONA.
Never mind. (Sad.) Me too, you know… (After a short pause.) My last sex was when I bought a Chinese bag for the price of an Italian one at a market… Or the other way round.
FORTUNA.
That’s not all…
YONONA.
Yes, darling.
FORTUNA.
I… I snore.
YONONA.
Loudly?
FORTUNA.
Neighbors call the police.
YONONA.
I have earplugs – for a swimming pool.
FORTUNA.
That’s not all. Not all, dear! I enjoy, I just love causing pain!
YONONA.
I’ve got back pain. I take painkillers anyway.
( A Pause.)
FORTUNA.
I need to make a phone call. Banks, creditors, patients. Sorry (rushes into his room, presses a button on his mobile phone, speaks quietly and quickly). Sam, do you remember the movie “Secret Agent”?.. Sam, this time I’m dead, seriously. I really need your help… Sam, I’ll give it back. We’re not talking about that! Leave everything. Come to me, to us. I’m not setting you up… Listen till the end… You come to me, ring a doorbell and bang the door, but keep silent… Then you run away. Fershtein (Idish word)? How much do you need?.. I didn’t mean money… So. Let’s synchronize watches (looks at his watch.) How much is it on yours?.. Correct. I’m waiting for you, buddy (closes his mobile phone, to himself.) Bastard! (Returns to her.)
YONONA.
Are you fine, darling?
FORTUNA.
It’s all too complicated. Where were we?
YONONA.
You reject me. You’re not assured in yourself.
FORTUNA.
I’m not assured in you.
YONONA.
We’ll get over it! (Quotes.) Like a moth flying to the flame…
FORTUNA.
We’re on the caterpillar stage already.
YONONA SINGS THE “WEEKEND” SONG.
YONONA (Singing).
“Weekend” (Lyrics by Leon Agulansky)
Light falls down from a stand
I relax, it’s weekend
And all these fancy cars
Travel by, just as planned
I’m alone in my flat
All so naturally sad
I’ve been fooling around
In the web, going mad
CHORUS.
I examine your mug
I can see you’re no rogue
I believe you’re hot shot
Let me click on your blog
Won’t you call on my cell
Write some lines on e-mail
I am asking you simply
Please, my darling, don’t fail!
Light falls down from a stand
No response you have sent
I’m about to freak out
Where are you, my boyfriend?
You’re offline everywhere
And no address is there
What a shame that a chat
Can’t consign my despair
CHORUS.
Light falls down from a stand
Why can’t you understand
Even if you’re offline
I’ll get you in the end!
I will plug in my set
And let all internet
Know that it’s only you
That I want now so bad
CHORUS.
FORTUNA (applauds phlegmatically).
Bravo, bravo, bravo.
YONONA.
We suit each other. Perfect match. (Steps on him, pushing him into his room.) Let me heal you right now.
FORTUNA.
Right now…
YONONA.
Straight away!
FORTUNA (looks at his watch).
Away. You’ll be away in the morning.
YONONA.
I will awake a man in you, a beast!
FORTUNA (with a sneer).
Try it.
YONONA (unbuttoning his shirt).
You’ve got everything I need.
FORTUNA.
Do you really need it? (Stepping back showing with his fingers.) Ju-no-na! I have nothing. Nothing. No (Showing his middle finger pointed upward) thing (moving the finger towards her) – nothing!
YONONA (bewildered for a moment, points at the walls).
Nothing? What about the house?
FORTUNA.
It’s my wife’s.
YONONA.
Wife’s?!
THE DOORBELL RINGS AND THERE IS A KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
FORTUNA.
There she is. (Falsely.) Neighbors gave me in, bastards! I’ll have to open it.
FORTUNA goes toward the door. YONONA grabs a remote control, turns on the VCR and makes it as loud as possible. A sound of porn movie is heard. The ringing and knocking become rarer and fade away. YONONA with her hair thumbed and her bathrobe slightly opened, walks out of FORTUNA’S room, sits down on a chair imitating exhaustion and weariness. He looks at her, surprised by Her sexuality. She stops him with a gesture, showing with her fingers again (Yu-no-na).
A timid doorbell ring makes him shudder and regain his senses.
FORTUNA (shaking his head with admiration). For crying out loud!
YONONA.
How can I cry out loud if you don’t make me?! By the way, I’m married too.
LIGHT FADES.
Scene Three
FORTUNA and YONONA, both in dismay, appear. She wears a very short dress in bright colors. He supports Her carefully. She is about to faint. He puts Her in the armchair. Rushes to pour a glass of water. She slightly nods and points with her eyes at the bottle of whisky on the table. He pours it into the glass. He gives it to Her holding Her head as if She is a wounded soldier. She pretends to be out of strength or fading.
FORTUNA (presses a button on his mobile phone).
Syoma, Syoma, Syoma, Syoma! What shall I do? It’s bad!.. How do you know it will be fine?! You have no idea whatsoever what has happened to us… I won’t tell you – you wouldn’t believe anyway… We were bitten by a dog!.. No, she was… In… (looks at her.) in her… breast, the right one… Huge, hairy… No, not breast, the dog is hairy. (Pause.) I tell you it’s huge – a monster. You can put a backpack instead of muzzle at it… What are you congratulating me with? Are you insane?.. (In a calmer manner.) I’ve taken the address… Right… (Sprightly) Yes!.. (With a rise) No way!.. (Cheerfully) Great… (Shows on his breast.) The holes are like that, in semicircle… Yes, I have examined it and palpated… And the second one too, of course… Lots of witnesses – the whole park saw it… no problem… Syoma, Syo-ma, my man! Hugs. Bye (closes his mobile phone. Cheerfully.) What a bastard, huh. (To Her.) Yu-no-na, I am your Fortuna! Fortuna, For-tu-na, wake up! We’ve got some achievements waiting for us!
YONONA.
I feel sick. (Nods at the glass.) Pour some.
FORTUNA pours whisky into the glass and pours it onto the injured breast, she screams hoarsely and jumps from the armchair.
FORTUNA (shrugging). For disinfection. I’m afraid the dog hadn’t brushed its teeth.
YONONA.
Why did it attack me, not you?
FORTUNA.
You see, you’ve just come and so lucky already.
YONONA.
Are you mad?
FORTUNA.
At least I’ve had my rabies shot. The lawyer will write a letter to the dog’s master saying that a woman was having a walk, doing nothing, and there you go. Emotional trauma, bodily damage, cosmic defect…
YONONA.
Cosmetic.
FORTUNA.
We will offer to settle the dispute amicably – a compensation instead of court proceedings.
YONONA.
How much?
FORTUNA (in a businesslike manner).
We’ll ask two hundred thousand.
YONONA.
My breast doesn’t worth that much.
FORTUNA.
We’ll say two hundred. We’ll agree to one hundred. Some goes to the lawyer. The rest we split in halves.
YONONA.
Why’s that?
FORTUNA.
What do you mean, why?! You’ve got two breasts, only one is bitten.
YONONA.
Don’t push it!
FORTUNA.
The beast wanted to bite me too, not in my breast by the way. I was under more risk than you, but I would agree to a half.
YONONA.
You can have it!
FORTUNA.
Don’t worry, we’ll beat him.
MUSIC SOUNDS.
He dances, hums the melody and sends a message.
An incoming message sound is heard.
FORTUNA (opens his mobile phone, reads the message).
Wow! Now you’re talking! He’s writing it already. What a… (Presses a button on his mobile phone. In a chilly manner.) Syoma? Yes… Hello, my friend… Temperature? (Looks at Her with a question in His eyes. She shakes Her head.) We didn’t measure it. Antibiotics? I’ll give her. Syoma, I’ve got a business offer for you… (With a sneer.) No, if you’re not interested I’ll go to… As your best friend I am giving you a chance to double the sum… But if you’re not… No. The lawyer has sent the letter to the master of the hound of the Baskervilles… Right… (Phlegmatically.) Really? Well, fine… Alright. Okey-dokey. Send it to my account. You’re welcome. Got it. Bye. See you (closing his mobile phone.) Bastard!
(To Her.) Dear, sweetheart, well, how are we feeling?
YONONA.
We’re feeling pretty well…
FORTUNA.
Pretty bad, dear. We are injured under aggravating circumstances and must be suffering: insomnia, depression, intoxication, anorexia and diarrhea. We will also need a psychologist and a surgeon. We have to prepare a list of complaints for the medical examining board. (Takes a sheet of paper, dictates and writes.) From top to bottom. Head. Depression, fears, nightmares, lack of appetite…
YONONA (prompts).
Headaches.
FORTUNA (nods, writes).
Vertigo, loss of balance. (To Her.) You’ll have to rehearse fainting. It works in court.
YONONA.
Don’t worry, I’ll fall down in such a way that they will give me a round of applause for the performance.
FORTUNA (keeps on writing).
Let’s get lower. Breast. How can you now give birth to children and feed them with a disfigured breast?!
YONONA.
What children, are you crazy?!
FORTUNA.
Don’t be shy, honey. Let’s get lower. Stomach. What do we have inside the stomach?
YONONA.
Intestines.
FORTUNA.
Diarrhea. (Writes.) Man, that’s scary. What’s lower?
YONONA.
Urinary bladder.
FORTUNA.
Exactly! You’ll wear a diaper at the proceedings. You’ll show it only when you’re asked to. (Hands in the list to Her.) This is for you. Shall we rehearse?
YONONA (takes the list).
I’ll have to learn it first.
FORTUNA (seriously).
The money will be transferred to my account. Then we’ll be able to withdraw it…
YONONA.
No way! You can fool someone else, not me.
FORTUNA.
But we have to put the check in the bank, (irritated.) dear!
YONONA.
You’ll get cash, or I will tell the lawyer I’ve been breast feeding the puppy. (Pause.)
FORTUNA.
Alright, alright. (Aggrievedly.) Why is everybody picking on me saying I owe them something?! (Sharply.) You’ll get your cash! You’ll buy some underwear for your husband. We’ll rearrange the ticket and you’ll be heading home into the icy cold, darrrling!
YONONA (showing with her fingers).
Yu-no-na.
FORTUNA (thawing).
Do you have insurance?
YONONA.
Didn’t you get it? (showing with her fingers). Yu-no-na.
FORTUNA.
Don’t do that. Without me the insurance company will pay you nothing, they’d rather bite off your second breast (Pause.)
YONONA (shouts).
None of your business! You’re kicking me out of the house. I mean it’s not even yours! Dominator my ass! One more harsh word and I’ll tell your wife that you’re flirting with underage girls in Skype!
FORTUNA (shouts).
Don’t forget to mention that you are this underage girl!
YONONA (shouts).
Everyone lie about their age in the internet!
FORTUNA (shouts).
But not making it three times less!
YONONA (shouts).
Oh really! Why then you’ve registered as a twenty-years-old?
FORTUNA (shouts).
I am grown up already while you are underage, and you drink like a fish.
YONONA (quietly).
Modern youngsters drink even more… And all the other things they do…
FORTUNA (quietly).
Alright. That’s it. We’re having a hard day tomorrow – we need to go to doctor, the police. (Heading towards his room. Stops, turns around.) Does it hurt?
YONONA.
Wanna touch it? (In rage.) Go to sleep, you!
FORTUNA.
I will! (Intends to go.)
YONONA (quietly).
I can’t.
FORTUNA (turns around, with sympathy).
Why?
YONONA.
Every time I close my eyes I see people with dogs’ heads. With their tongues out.
FORTUNA.
It’s hot.
YONONA.
They’re sitting quietly, but it’s so scary anyway. Male dogs on the leashes. Bitches without muzzles.
FORTUNA.
Just like in real life.
YONONA.
One bulldog was smoking through his muzzle. (Pressing her palm against her forehead.) Looks like I’m getting bad.
FORTUNA.
That’s what we need. We’ll get the compensation and we’ll make it better. Good night.
YONONA.
Stay with me.
FORTUNA approaches, sits at the table.
FORTUNA.
Will you have something to drink?
YONONA.
No. (Pause.) This trip was so sudden. A twist of fate. We have rain, sleet, fog back there.
FORTUNA (sighs dreamingly).
Cool!
YONONA.
I wanted summer so much. To have a rest, relax…
FORTUNA.
To see me.
YONONA (looks at him, sighs, shakes her head with disappointment).
I’ve seen you.
FORTUNA.
To show yourself.
YONONA.
How could it happen to me? I still can’t believe it. It’s so awful.
FORTUNA.
Oh, come on. Real life is awful. I can tell you that as a plastic surgeon. Some people have such a scary face that a Pitbull would be scared. You start to fix it, but it gets even worse.
YONONA.
You don’t like me at all?
FORTUNA.
You are really pretty.
YONONA.
Really?
FORTUNA.
That’s a pro speaking.
YONONA.
Thanks.
FORTUNA.
Don’t be angry with me for shouting at you.
YONONA (with a sneer).
I’ll deduct it from your share.
FORTUNA.
You also talk about money?
YONONA.
Actually, I don’t really like money.
FORTUNA.
But you like everything money can buy.
YONONA.
Can’t argue with that. Remember our parents were earning a hundred and ten rubles? We would buy a winter coat in credit. Everyone was happy.
FORTUNA.
Yeah. You couldn’t earn a lot. So all you were left to do is to live and be happy.
YONONA.
And now, the richer a man is the more worries are reflected on his face.
FORTUNA.
When the time comes to pay the taxes he is about to burst out crying. (Sits closer. Wants to embrace her shoulders.)
YONONA.
Hey! What was that?!
FORTUNA (stepping back).
Hush, quietly, quietly.
YONONA.
I am pouring my heart out, and you!.. Who do you think you are?! It’s not Skype! The picture and the fragrance is real! You can’t put on someone else’s face here.
FORTUNA.
Yeah, like I need it! Calm down! An attempt of a rape proved to be a failure! (Leaving.) And wasn’t even planned.
YONONA (to his back).
Sweet dreams! (To herself.) Without ghosts and demons!
LIGHT FADES. INTERMISSION.
Scene Four
He and She enter. It is clear that their relations are strained. She, with a discontented face, heads towards her room. He unseals a letter, takes it out, reads, reads again, laughs out loud. She wouldn’t take a notice.
FORTUNA (to her).
Come and hear it. Come on! You’re gonna like it. Oh. Come on, you. (Shows the letter.) It’s the lawyer.
YONONA comes out and silent sits down in the armchair.
FORTUNA (reads).
Errm. Blah, blah, blah, there. The dog is of such a breed, pure-bred and stuff… has a certificate on injections, known for its quiet friendly character and had never attacked people before.
YONONA.
Just like a pussycat!
FORTUNA.
Daily visits the park located at the address given below in the places specified for dogs walking. Having seen the lady, meaning you, in unusually bright dress unsuitable for her age, the dog was scared and attacked first to defend its life.
FORTUNA laughs again, She joins Him. Both calm down.
FORTUNA. (CONT’D)
Right. What nonsense. Where do you find such clothes?
YONONA.
You just don’t get it, do you? It is trendy to wear bright clothes this season.
FORTUNA.
Dogs know nothing of it.
YONONA.
Not only dogs. Your women wear worn out loose overalls or black bras under white t-shirt, but if they wear jeans their panties stick out. No belts or high heels.
FORTUNA.
Is it better back where you’re from?
YONONA.
It’s cold back there. Stop picking at me with these clothes. Got it?! Showing your ignorance once is enough! I wear what I want to wear! Shall I wear something people wear when they’re sixty or something?!
FORTUNA.
People wear clothes when they’re sixty too.
YONONA.
Oh! Who am I telling it to?! (Waves her hand and leaves for her room.)
FORTUNA.
Exactly. Calm down now. I need to make a phone call. (To himself.) I’ve got ringing in my ears because of her.
She walks out, unzipping her dress on her way. Sound of shower is heard.
FORTUNA. (CONT’D) (to her back).
That’s right. A crocodile isn’t dangerous in water. (Enters his room, presses a button on his mobile phone). Syoma? You won’t believe it. His lawyer writes… I haven’t laughed so much for ages – the dog by attacking the lady was defending its life. But now I’m crying. A smart animal felt it and I didn’t – I should defend my life as well. She is just waiting for me to attack her. But never shows it. No. I need to run away. I need her to run away. To transfer. Syoma, why are you so silent? I’ve said that much and you didn’t interrupt me even once. Are you ill or run out of words? Syoma?.. Who is that?.. (Surprised.) Den who?.. 6515549? Oh, sorry. Pardon me, as they say… (In a lively manner.) Really?! Then let me introduce her to you, you’re gonna… (Disappointed.) To me? No. Not to me… Don’t get insulted, Dennis. I am like, you know, engaged. Goodbye. Bye. Kisses. (To himself.) Transferrrrr!
YONONA appears in a bathrobe. Her hair is wet after shower.
YONONA.
Transfer, isn’t it a nice name for our company?
FORTUNA.
You wish! Like I’m going to establish a company for you!
YONONA (apologetically).
Bad for you. With so much money we can do anything. Rely on me.
FORTUNA (with a sneer).
I would have lie on you. But the doctors said you need a rest.
YONONA.
Why am I asking for anything?! Look at you! What were you doing in the internet, huh? There isn’t a photographer or editing that can save you! Fortuna – out-of-date tuna! Look in the mirror! Graying hair, bad smell in the air, eyes full of despair, life is not fair! (Shouts.) You have to fight for happiness! You got your second chance, and there is no third one!
FORTUNA.
“Attention, doors are closing. Next stop – degeneracy.”
YONONA.
As you wish. You can carry on meditating. I’ve got the lawyer’s phone number. (heads towards her room.)
FORTUNA.
You can’t deal with it without me.
YONONA (cynically).
Oh, can’t I?
MOBILE PHONE RINGS.
FORTUNA presses a button.
FORTUNA.
Hello? Yes, I… Hi… You’re kidding!.. What now?.. Is that so… Thank you. Bye. (Closes his mobile phone.)
YONONA (coldly).
Now what?
FORTUNA.
The master wants to sue us.
YONONA.
What is he?
FORTUNA.
Some TV producer, they say a famous one.
YONONA.
Great! Let’s go to court. Am I to blame? Let them lock me up, hang me, shoot me, rape me!
FORTUNA (shouts).
You wish! (Shouts). It’s all because of you! All of it! You dress like a scarecrow, a clown!
YONONA (interrupts).
Clowns.
FORTUNA.
One can see your ass from underneath your skirt! It’s good there’s no wind! People wring their necks when you walk by. One old woman even crossed herself, her grandson pissed his pants and two cars almost collided! (After a short pause. Quietly.) The court can take the side of a local dog scared to death by a provocatively dressed tourist.
YONONA.
Are you mad?
FORTUNA (thoughtfully).
If the country is raided by tourists in luxuriant miniskirts, dogs will get mad and start attacking people. Disorder!
YONONA.
Come on. Everything’s gonna be alright.
A signal of an incoming message on iPod sounds.
YONONA (looking at his iPod).
There’s a message on the e-mail.
FORTUNA.
Read it.
YONONA (moves off his iPod trying to read the text).
You do it. My head is swimming.
(A Pause.)
FORTUNA approaches, takes the iPod and reads. The contents make him bewildered.
YONONA (waves her hand in front of his eyes).
Hey, man, hello, I’m here. Read it, come on.
FORTUNA cannot speak. He makes Her put on Her glasses and read it.
YONONA (puts on her glasses and reads aloud).
Dear sir… well… I inform you that the dog injured in the incident with your client is taken to veterinary clinic at the following address… (In awe.) Oh my God! (Reads on.) Due to the stresses caused to the animal, it suffers from insomnia, lack of appetite and diarrhea.
FORTUNA.
They are insane!
YONONA (reads on).
Blood tests reveal traces of poisoning with… silicon.
FORTUNA (pointing at her breast).
Silicon?!
YONONA (shrugging).
Silicon, so what?
FORTUNA.
Continue.
YONONA (reads on).
The doctors are applying their (emphasizing) inhuman efforts to save the animal. In spite of dialysis with electrophoresis and phonophoresis its condition deteriorates.
FORTUNA.
Bitches!
YONONA (reads on).
Now the issue of transporting the animal to one of European centers is discussed…
FORTUNA (shrugging).
Butchers.
YONONA (reads on).
Expenses for in-patient treatment as per this date amount to… amount to… (looks carefully into the text, starts laughing and faints.)
FORTUNA.
Oh yes, treatment here is good. (Carefully picks up the iPod from the floor.) But expensive.
FORTUNA looks at the screen, no picture is there. Starts to waif Her face with the iPod. She wouldn’t move. He inclines over Her, looks around, touches Her breast, first shyly, then more boldly. She wouldn’t move. He inclines to Her ear, imitates a dog bark (Woof!). She grabs Her breast regaining Her senses.
FORTUNA.
How much?
YONONA.
What? (notices him looking at her breast.) Oh (fixes her dress on the breast.) For you it’s free for the first time.
FORTUNA.
I’m asking you, “How much?”
YONONA (looking at her breast).
There was a two for one deal.
FORTUNA.
Have you been bitten in your brain?! How much?! (Knocking at the iPod.) How much did it say?! Wake up!
YONONA.
How much? (looks at the iPod, starts laughing hysterically and faints again.)
FORTUNA (looks around, lifts her on his hands).
Let’s have some rest (takes her to his room.)
LIGHT FADES. HIS “WOOF” SOUNDS, THEN HER “OW”, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUNDS OF A PORN MOVIE.
Scene Five
FORTUNA and YONONA sit close, leaning against one another. It is obvious that it’s after their intimate intercourse.
YONONA.
When will your wife come?
FORTUNA.
Why?
YONONA (imitating).
Why?! Scratch her face with my nails. Maybe have the other breast bitten.
FORTUNA.
If someone bites you, they get to the intensive care unit.
YONONA (sadly).
Stupid story.
FORTUNA.
She won’t come. She’s abroad.
YONONA.
Like me.
FORTUNA.
With some lover-boy.
YONONA.
Lucky you. How long?
FORTUNA.
She went away a year ago. Wants a divorce but I’m not giving it.
YONONA.
Why not?
FORTUNA.
I’m afraid she may come back.
YONONA.
So cautious you are. And I am cursed – if I blow on a flower it fades, if I look into someone’s mouth they choke, if I wish good health they fall ill. It’s like a spell. And I can’t lift it.
FORTUNA.
Too susceptible and strong energy. We’re together (nods towards His room), but I’m still alive.
YONONA.
Maybe you’ll un-spell me.
FORTUNA.
And the other way round.
YONONA.
We lived fine. Our daughter is married successfully… My husband used to go away to business trips often… Once he went away “for a week”, he said.
FORTUNA.
Never came back?
YONONA.
He did. The business trip was by my former classmate’s side. A hundred and ten kilos. If you keep close you need no central heating – she’s a sauna.
FORTUNA.
It’s dangerous. If she lies on you in your sleep – you’re dead.
YONONA.
Thanksgiving Day turkey.
FORTUNA.
Her snoring can also deafen you. Do you smoke?
YONONA.
A lot.
FORTUNA.
So do I.
YONONA.
Why do we suffer then?
FORTUNA.
The flat will stain with the smell, which is no good.
YONONA.
My husband didn’t like cigarette smoke too. So I smoked in the kitchen, to the window. Once I saw them in the house opposite to ours. (Pause.) Forgave them. (Pause.) He went away. (Pause.) He said, “A man is not a dog, he wouldn’t jump on bones”. (Pause.) I shouldn’t have come. Problems aggregate like a snowball. I’m used to them. You don’t deserve it. (Pause.) You are not who you are, right? Not a plastic surgeon?
FORTUNA.
No. But I am who I am.
YONONA.
Did you dream of becoming a doctor?
FORTUNA.
I was a cameraman on TV. My major. Everyone spoke Russian. The wage was low, but stable.
YONONA.
Not that bad.
FORTUNA.
You know, I like it when everything is done well – focus, color balance, angle… Then you edit it and feel satisfied with your work. They didn’t pay for extra hours. I would spend days and nights at the editor’s room – to have the material on time. (Pause.) The channel was closed. I got social security… Trying to survive, weddings, family video…
YONONA (pointing towards His room).
Family archives.
FORTUNA (with a sigh).
Family archives. Fates of other people recorded on a disk. (Pause.) I’m beat.
FORTUNA sings “I’m Beat” song (could be accompanied by him playing the guitar or pre-recorded music).
I’m beat
But day has gone with no returning
I should be sleeping, but I’m turning
And moonlight is for something yearning
Effete
I’m beat
By all the rush and aberrations
By my own debts and prolongations
To electronic information
Can’t fit
I’m beat
By waiting for a sunny weather
While grieving all I had to shatter
And knowing I deserve no better
Than sleet
I’m beat
By being passive and obeying
By listening what others saying
I dream to flee from crowd so graying
Secede
I’m beat
By empty eyes, confusing notions
By all the false talks and emotions
Against wise-asses will my cautions
Compete
I’m beat
By all the bustle that is senseless
I have forgotten life’s not endless
At Judgment Day when we’re defenseless
I speed
(Lyrics by Leon Agulansky, music by Arkady Khaslavsky)
YONONA.
Called a well-off madame, and she goes, “I’ll give you none”… because she has nothing.
FORTUNA.
Is it that bad?
YONONA.
Graduated from a theatrical institute. No work… Once was on tour with a non-repertory company.
FORTUNA.
Didn’t work out?
YONONA.
The producer tricked us and fled with all the money. I teach dancing at school. It’s summer holiday now. Never been to the South before. I wonder why…
FORTUNA.
When I was in the fifth grade, I fell in love with my math teacher. I confessed to her, but she just called my parents. Mum scolded me and father didn’t…
YONONA.
You were more courageous when you were younger?
FORTUNA.
Love confession is responsibility.
YONONA.
I have a two-roomed flat close to the metro station. Half an hour on a bus and half an hour on foot.
FORTUNA.
Realty.
YONONA.
I also have mum’s cottage house in a village.
FORTUNA.
Family estate?
YONONA.
A tool shed and six hundred square meters. Leaking roof. Toilet outdoors. Wait. (Takes out a mobile phone, presses a button.) Hello? Ann? Hi. How are you… (Examining Him with a smile.) Yes. Thanks! Not bad. He’s got it all… I remember you were interested in my cottage house… So maybe… That’s it?! (Disappointed.) Ann, it’s very… well, I’ll think about it. Do you think someone may be interested in my flat… Urgently… Got it. Bye! (Closes her phone. To Him.) Not much, but for a start…
FORTUNA (embraces Her shoulders).
Come on. We can’t gather that much money. This dog hasn’t been abroad yet. They may want to transplant something.
YONONA (pointing at the walls).
Whose property is that?
FORTUNA.
Syoma’s. He is the plastic surgeon, Fortuna, dammit… His surname is Fortel like Fortuna.
YONONA.
Alone?
FORTUNA.
He augmented something to one of his patients… And he ran away with his wife. Ungrateful shit.
YONONA.
Tried it on people.
FORTUNA.
Fitted well.
YONONA.
Yes. Must be a good specialist. Was it him who met me at the airport?
FORTUNA.
Who else could it be?
YONONA.
Looked at my breast, this way (imitates.): “shoemakers”, and pedal to the metal.
FORTUNA.
Oh he’s one hell of a driver.
YONONA.
Does he also flirt with underage in the internet?
FORTUNA.
It was him who was writing to you all this time, not me. I talked to you on Skype only once…
(A Pause.)
YONONA.
Not me. To Olga. My friend. (Pause.) She’s a real estate agent. (Shrugs.) Well-packed.
FORTUNA.
So, we’re like substitute players coming straight on the pitch?
YONONA.
Second team coming on stage.
FORTUNA.
Syoma was hesitating. He’s indecisive. Didn’t want to show his wealth. He wanted a real love. And when it came to the action we hid – operations, clinic… He went to live at my place, and I came here.
YONONA.
Same story here. When the time came to go and meet she said she had meetings and negotiations. She put her tail between her legs. Set me up.
FORTUNA.
Rich people don’t have time to settle their personal life. They need deputies.
YONONA.
I didn’t like you at first.
FORTUNA.
Not Alain Delon?
YONONA.
Please don’t get offended.
FORTUNA.
I won’t now.
YONONA.
You look like a beat dog…
FORTUNA.
I’m gonna bite you now!
YONONA wanted to turn away right there. But stayed somehow.
FORTUNA.
Liked the flat?
YONONA.
I have to report to my friend. It’s a sort of business trip. Busi-ness trip.
(A Pause.)
FORTUNA.
Won’t you get offended?
YONONA (with a sneer).
I won’t now.
FORTUNA (embracing her shoulders).
I didn’t like you at first too. Straight away.
YONONA.
Granny?
FORTUNA.
You have a look of the director’s assistant.
YONONA.
Why assistant?
FORTUNA.
Whatever I do, I’ll be punished by the chief. Plus you were wearing such colors my eyes got wet…
YONONA.
You should check your eyesight. Your eyes slit.
FORTUNA.
It’s the origin.
YONONA.
Glasses would fit you… in horn frame…
FORTUNA.
And your fashion show, I thought I’d be dead by the end of it!
(A Pause.)
YONONA.
Every day is the same. Tram, work, tram, home… Some series. Same faces on all the channels. All is grey like a multistoried houses precinct in rainy weather.
FORTUNA.
Do your windows look at such a precinct?
YONONA.
I sit there. About to breakdown, but have no one to quarrel with. (Pause.) For once I thought I was going toward some light, sun, sea. I’ve got a whole suitcase of dark clothes. I’m not taking them back. I made a new breast, I thought…
FORTUNA (nodding).
New life…
YONONA (with a sneer).
So right I was!
FORTUNA.
We were lucky. We found each other…
YONONA.
They weren’t.
FORTUNA.
I even thought you were coccinelle.
YONONA.
Disappointed?
FORTUNA.
When you appeared in men’s clothes…
YONONA (interrupts).
Men’s style, you moron!
FORTUNA.
Will you teach me how to dance?
YONONA.
Alright! Get up!
FORTUNA.
What, now?
YONONA.
Will there be a better time?! Well! Come on! Get up! (Pulls his arm.)
FORTUNA gets up. Stand as a dancing couple. He presses Her against himself. She squeals with pain in her breast. Music plays. They dance tango.
MUSIC FADES.
They keep on standing as a dancing couple.
YONONA.
What a shame. It started off so well.
FORTUNA.
You have to come back. (Embraces her.) Today. (Sad.) Not tomorrow, today!
YONONA.
End of the show?
FORTUNA.
We can’t be too slow.
YONONA.
There was no climax and final scene.
FORTUNA.
There will be climax in court if you don’t fly away (Opens his iPod, looking for a flight.)
YONONA (cynically).
Interpol will find me and extradite me. A criminal in the dog case – I’ll be shot via hanging.
FORTUNA (looking into the iPod).
Darn! There’s a seat for a morning flight. (Looks at her with regret. Nodding.) Pack your things.
YONONA.
What about you?
FORTUNA.
I’ll manage it. Syoma will help. (To himself.) Syoma, Syoma, poor Syoma.
She looks into his face.
FORTUNA.
Eyes of a beat dog?
YONONA.
No.
FORTUNA.
What then?
YONONA.
A fighting dog.
FORTUNA.
A compliment?
YONONA.
The best defense is offence. Stop! Who do you say this son of a bitch is?
FORTUNA.
TV producer.
YONONA.
And you’re a cameraman. Right. I have a plan. Come on!
They go away.
MUSIC PLAYS. LIGHT FADES.
MUSIC FADES.
A loving couple – FORTUNA and YONONA. – appears. They walk hugging each other, laugh remembering something. Sit at the table. She looks at the mobile phone screen.
YONONA.
You are a real pro! Each shot is a Playboy.
FORTUNA.
And you are a model. I think he didn’t even notice me shooting.
YONONA.
I wanted to shout, “Action!” (Looks at the mobile phone screen.) I still have it. I should have taken my dress off.
FORTUNA.
You know what’s the difference between a cameraman and a striptease dancer? Her shots are hotter.
YONONA.
I was afraid that my zipper would not go. But it went fine. Remember his face when I burst out crying, “Look at how your dog has crippled me!”
FORTUNA.
You shouldn’t have been that hysterical. I need static for my shots.
YONONA (looking into the mobile phone).
Yes. It was too much.
FORTUNA.
Let’s do it (asks the iPod with a gesture, downloads the data from the mobile phone, types in the e-mail.) …at dot com. Send (presses with a finger.)
YONONA (dreamingly).
Maybe to the internet?
FORTUNA (dials a mobile phone number).
If required we’ll post it in the internet. Hello? Hi… It’s me… we, the bitten breast… (to Her, having covered the phone with a palm of his hand.) Expresses indignation. (Into the mobile phone.) The dog will be fine, I have a good feeling about it. You’ll see… If you need some blood …
YONONA (interrupts).
Bone marrow!
FORTUNA.
I’ll give mine… A letter? Yes. Can’t remember the sum, but it played a very important role in my life (winks at Her.)… I have a counter offer… In a hurry? I see. A little question. Can you explain what a young tourist with a bare breast was doing in your office? Oh, no, really. Someone sent it to my e-mail. Forwarding, you know… Maybe you have it on your e-mail too. Check it… Nice angles. My recommendation. (Pause. He smiles and winks at her.) Like it? Thank you. There is also a video… Thank you… Ye-e-as. You’ve got one hell of a lawyer!.. Definitely… Best wishes to you too (closes his mobile phone.)
YONONA.
Well?
FORTUNA.
Threatens with his lawyer.
YONONA.
This one can get a capital punishment.
FORTUNA.
We don’t have death penalty.
YONONA.
That’s good. We missed it. We were shooting a wrong actor. We should have gone to the lawyer with my butt naked.
FORTUNA.
What if he is a Sergey?
YONONA.
Slip of the tongue?
FORTUNA.
You heard me – sir gay.
YONONA.
All the more, dirt, disgrace for a member of sexual minority. What shall we do?
FORTUNA.
There’s no way back. (Opens his mobile phone, dials a number.) Hello? It’s me, we again… I watched our video. Not bad, you know. If you hold the phone without shaking it, it focuses well… Yes, I can be brief. I was thinking maybe I should send it to your wife… (Pause. He is astonished. Closes his mobile phone.)
YONONA.
Speak. Say something.
FORTUNA.
He has already done it because she was teasing him saying he was impotent.
YONONA.
Sucker. Well. (Walks about the room.) I’m sick of it all. What a stupid situation! A hairy beast attacks a harmless tourist…
FORTUNA (interrupts).
Well, you shouldn’t tease an animal with silicon boobs. (Pause.)
YONONA.
Right you are. Before the operation there was nothing to bite. Lick maybe.
FORTUNA (opens his mobile phone, dials a number).
Hello? Hi. How is Nida from the third box of intensive care unit feeling?.. Her friend… (To YONONA.) Started to give urine and opened her eyes… Can I speak to the doctor in charge?.. Thank you (closes his mobile phone. To YONONA.) On a consultation.
YONONA.
That’s it. I can’t take it anymore! (Sits down, cries. Through her tears.) Why, why, why do I have to get into a story?!
FORTUNA (rejoicing).
Hey, girl, you are so right! Way to go! We have a story! A sto-ry! We don’t have to make anything up, do you hear me?! A story is not even halfway there, it’s eighty percent!
YONONA.
Will you stop it? I’m not in the mood for jokes.
FORTUNA.
The laws of the genre say that the main characters collide into a conflict and resolve it.
YONONA.
Or make it worse, which we are really good at!
FORTUNA.
Hey, Yonona, do you want to teach children how to waltz around?
YONONA.
They drink, smoke and shake their bones at late night parties.
FORTUNA.
No. There’s a reason why you came here. And the dog, and the lawyer are here for a reason. It’s (shows it with his fingers.) For-tu-na. (Opens his mobile phone, dials a number.) Hello? Recognized me?.. Nida gives urine. Congratulations… Dog’s shrink? We’ll find one… Business offer. We delete the whole photo shoot and you… Brief? Alright! Just one word – TV series… We have an idea – internet, tourist, dog, love, our story… But, if you are not interested I can call… (Disappointed, closes his mobile phone.)
YONONA (shows her middle finger facing upward).
Nah?
FORTUNA.
We have to put down the synopsis before the idea is snatched… (Mobile phone rings. He answers.) Yes… Reality show? (Looks at Her. She nods.) Okay… Really?! I’m glad. (To YONONA.) He liked your play. She is an actress indeed… A flat? (Looks around.) We have one!.. Yes, I’m writing (types in at an iPod.) right, yes. Sending. Two conditions. The first one – we forget about compensations… The second one?! You give is a night TV show… (Pause.) (Presses a button on his mobile phone.)
YONONA (affirmatively).
Sent you to hell.
FORTUNA.
A director and a cameraman will be here in an hour to see the property.
(A Pause.)
FORTUNA. (CONT’D) (presses a button on his mobile phone. Seriously).
Semyon?.. greetings, my friend. You have downloaded “The Secret Agent”? How is it?.. I don’t know, I’ve never seen it. Will you give it to me after you watch it?.. Business offer… No problem. I cannot make your ears listen when they don’t want to… No problem, Syoma. No problemo (with an emphasis). I wish you good health… Just out of curiosity? I’ll tell you. Let’s triple the sum of my debt… Listen till the end… How can you hear me while I haven’t started talking yet… I am holding a pause… We will triple the sum of my debt and cancel it… Syoma, if I say “forget it” into the phone you won’t hear me… I am taking you to an interview at a night show… You’ll sleep at daytime… You will tell how your cold lancet cuts hot organs… Agreed? I’m not surprised… (To YONONA.) He’s asking why we should triple the debt before cancelling it. To make it three times more pleasant for us!
Final Scene
PRESENTER’S VOICE IS HEARD IN THE DARK.
PRESENTER’S VOICE.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome tonight show with Nona Yu and Jack Forrrtunaaa!
Bright light. He wears black suit and white shirt with a bow tie, she wears a long black dress with an open low neck. Music plays. He and She sing together. (It is possible to finish with the words “Don’t go anywhere! You are at the right channel!”)
Leon Agulansky 2012
End of Play
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