THE DISEASE CALLED “LIFE”

Comedy in Two Acts

By Leon Agulansky

Synopsis

When Marina and her husband German lose their apartment, their savings, and nearly their new house, they see only one way out: sell the home of Marina’s eighty-year-old mother, Mila. But there is one problem — Mila refuses to leave.

Sharp-tongued, irreverent, and seemingly indestructible, Mila turns their desperate plan into an outrageous family conspiracy. To save the house, Marina and German convince her to pretend she is terminally ill, hoping to make their real-estate agent believe that she will soon die and leave them the property.

What begins as a cynical scheme becomes something entirely unexpected. As the family members confront money, marriage, aging, desire, and the fear of wasting their lives, Mila reminds them that growing old is not the same as being finished.

And while everyone else is busy trying to survive, Mila is secretly preparing to do what she has always done: live.

In a final, bittersweet twist, Mila gives the family the house — and announces that she is leaving for Paris to dance flamenco.

THE DISEASE CALLED “LIFE” is a darkly comic, warm, and provocative family story about the absurdity of human existence, the price of survival, and the stubborn, sometimes outrageous desire to remain alive.

Running time 120 min

THE DISEASE CALLED “LIFE”

Comedy in Two Acts

By Leon Agulansky

CHARACTERS:

LUDMILA (MILA), 80 years old, the owner of the house.

MARINA, 50 years old, Mila’s daughter, an associate professor in the Department of Foreign Languages.

GERMAN (GERA), 55 years old, Marina’s husband, a businessman.

LARISA (LARA), 30 years old, Marina and German’s daughter.

DMITRY (DIMA), 25-30 years old, their neighbor, a real-estate agent.

Present day. Summer.

Setting: A house in somewhere of US.

ACT ONE

Scene One

A spacious living room in a suburban house. A rocking chair stands on the left. In the middle of the room is a large cardboard box tied with rope.

Mila, rocking in the chair, hums along with Frank Sinatra’s recording of “My Way,” playing softly.

Marina enters from the right. She is out of breath from moving into Mila’s house.

MARINA (looking at her watch).

Three hours late!

MILA.

Late! It’s nice when people owe you, instead of you owing them.

MARINA.

Oh, Mom! Please!

MILA.

Here we go!

MARINA (dials her cell phone; no answer).

What the hell is going on?! (After a short pause.) Sorry! It’s just that when people owe you money and don’t pay, it doesn’t matter whether you’re the one who owes or the one who’s owed.

MILA.

Well, look at you! Do you explain things that clearly to your students, too?

MARINA.

Maybe something happened on the way? Or the police? Undocumented workers, migrants, immigrants.

MILA.

Stop having a nervous breakdown. I cleared out two rooms for you. We can put the couch here.

MARINA.

I don’t even know if there’ll be a couch. The movers have been on the road since this morning and still haven’t arrived. They’re not answering the phone.

MILA.

Well, well, well. And who exactly is moving our things?

MARINA.

Who’s going to carry all this stuff?

MILA.

I see. Illegal immigrants.

MARINA.

Oh, God! What’s the difference?! Looks like the furniture and everything else are gone. What an idiot I am! I even gave them a three hundred dollar deposit.

MILA (sharply).

Who are the villains?! Latinos?

MARINA.

Oh! Give me a break!

MILA.

I’m serious.

MARINA.

It’s no time for jokes, Mom!

MILA (laughs uncontrollably).

Of course! You mean to say… (laughing) no, I can’t. I’m going to die!

MARINA.

Like, right now?

MILA.

They cleared your apartment of all your junk for three hundred bucks? Now that’s a business!

MARINA.

Mom, your sarcasm isn’t helping.

MILA.

It’s not sarcasm, doter. You’ll buy new junk. This is a good chance.

MARINA.

We had a ton and a half of books alone.

MILA (holds up her cell phone).

Oh! Who needs it today?

MARINA.

At least Lara got her things out. She should be here by now.

MILA.

Wonderful.

MARINA.

What am I going to tell German?

MILA.

Oh, don’t cry into your sleeve. Just tell him: three hundred…

MARINA (indignantly).

Mom!

MILA (quietly).

Three hundred, blah-blah-blah. Money coms, money gone. Forget it.  Tea? Whiskey?

MARINA.

Once we move, we’ll drink ourselves silly.

MILA.

If you’re moving in with me, consider yourselves moved in. If you’re moving into your new house, well, that house still has to be built.

MARINA.

We’ll build it. Don’t worry.

MILA.

Good luck.

MARINA.

We sold the apartment. The money is supposed to be transferred today.

MILA.

Hopefully. Hopefully.

MARINA.

Very funny.

MILA.

Gera’s running late, too?

MARINA (angrily mocking MILA).

Yes! Gera’s running late, too! He’s been unreachable all morning, the bastard!

MILA.

Your words. I’m (makes a “zip-my-lips” gesture) keeping quiet.

MARINA.

It’s fine. He’ll call. Ok?!

MILA.

And I suppose you’ve already handed over the keys.

MARINA.

Mom, that’s our business.

MILA.

Yeah. And what are you going to do? I’m not going to live forever. By the way, remind German of that. The poor man seems to have completely lost hope.

MARINA.

Don’t worry, Mommy. If we make it that far…

MILA.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

MARINA (continues).

We’ve got big plans.

MILA. Emotions, emotions. It’s all emotions. You blurt something out and then you can’t take it back.

MARINA (looking at her watch).

Yeah, it looks like the furniture really is a lost cause.

MILA.

Not a lost cause. It’ll serve someone else.

MARINA.

Still, it’s a shame. Our own stuff. Our family stuff.

MILA.

The couch has bedbugs with your blood in them! They’re like family now! (Pause.) We should’ve hired someone more expensive.

MARINA.

Pay more, pay less — nobody wants to work. They only want to get money.

MILA.

We used to be happy to work hard for ten dollars an hour.

MARINA.

Oh, come on, Mom! There you go again: “Back then, back then!” They worked! And look what you got.

MILA.

We got results. We did.

MARINA.

I work, too. I don’’t steal.

MILA.

She works. She works. Are you creating any material goods?

MARINA.

We don’t milk cows or plow fields.

MILA (points upward).

Exactly. We’re the ones being milked.

MARINA.

And not only milked.

MILA.

Now we create nothing. We just destroy and consume.

MARINA.

Mom, I’m not in the mood for philosophy right now.

MILA.

You and Gera were drinking expensive champagne.

MARINA.

We were! We sold the apartment. It’s not every day you get to do that.

MILA.

You drank the Brut. What came out of it today?

MARINA.

Oh, God. What did I do to deserve all this?! Gera was right about renting an apartment!

MILA.

And those beautiful pastries — you ate them. What came out of them today? That’s the apartment. It’s gone, and what’s left in its place?

MARINA.

Cash, as you like to call it.

MILA.

Yeah. Did you get it already?

MARINA.

Oh, listen, don’t start! (Presses a button on her cell phone. No answer.)

MILA.

Well? Leave a message.

MARINA.

He’s my husband, not yours. Relax.

MILA.

Of course he’s yours hus-band. (After a short pause.) I’m not trying to steal him. Do not dream of it.

MARINA.

Just because you don’t like him doesn’t mean you have to hate him.

MILA (dreamily).

I don’t like him? You sure?

MARINA (looking at the phone screen).

He hasn’t answered all day!

MILA.

“I’m stuck at work” — that’s what men say.

Marina nervously paces around the room.

MILA.

Hey! Hey! Young lady? Lower your speed.

MARINA.

The money… will be in the account today. (Pause.)

MILA.

God willing, God willing.

MARINA.

Mom, seriously, what’s wrong with you? Everything is legal, through a lawyer.

MILA.

“Everything is legal.” That’s good. That’s the right thing.

MARINA.

Well, we’re not getting the full amount. Ok?!

MILA.

Oh!

MARINA.

There were some tax issues.

MILA.

Aha-a-a!

MARINA.

It happens.

MILA.

Bingo! For Closer!

MARINA.

Mom, just…

MILA (singing).

For Closer, for closer, for closer was done! You lost the apartment and lost the money. I’m going to die laughing.

MARINA.

You’ll have time.

MILA.

I’m not in a hurry.

MARINA.

I know. (Tries to reach Gera by phone again.) Where the hell are you?!

MILA.

Don’t worry. Without an apartment and money, who needs him now…

MARINA.

These days, a man who doesn’t drink…

MILA.

Yes, yes. You need one who doesn’t lie, doesn’t drink, but is still horny — and wants only you.

MARINA (looking at the phone screen).

Larisa isn’t answering either!

MILA.

Lara. (After a short pause.) I see girls from pore contries going around with guys like that. They must really love money! The rich aren’t those who have plenty of money, but those who are satisfied with little. (Laughs.) Little. How fashionable it is to be satisfied with “little”!

MARINA (continuing to dial, sharply).

For girls, it’s better to sleep with some wealthy old man than work for ten bucks an hour.

MILA.

Those bastards who marry young women should be put executed.

MARINA (interrupting sharply).

Exactly. Sometimes I think we have… too many old people.

MILA.

Yes. So many! It’s a nightmare!

MARINA.

And they live…

MILA.

Too long!

MARINA.

Even medicine can’t stop them.

MILA (dreamily).

I danced balet all my life. Even after I retired. Until the doctors forbade it. Maybe I should pay them to let me?

MARINA.

Mom, we have enough problems beside you.

MILA (cynically).

You do.

MARINA.

What do you mean?

MILA (pointing at Marina’s phone).

You could be five minutes away from being divorced… with no means of support. Or, worse…

MARINA.

Gera and I are totally fine.

MILA.

You and Gera are totally fine?! And what is that half-naked mare on his WhatsApp?

MARINA.

How did you…

MILA.

Don’t leave your phone lying around.

MARINA (finishes).

Is still… Is still excellent.

Pause. MILA quietly hums.

MILA.

Sometimes I really want to go back to the hall, to rehearsal, work with the girls! Get my old bones moving. With a good accompanist! And-one! And-two! And-three! Keep your back straight! Straight!

MARINA (continues).

Can you believe it? That cow sent him some pictures, and he accidentally sent them back to me with his comments instead of to her. “My little kitten!”

MILA.

He forgot to add: “How do you like my little kitten, darling?” (Takes her own cell phone from her pocket.) Send them to me. I didn’t get a good look.

MARINA.

I already deleted them.

MILA.

From the phone?

MARINA.

The memory.

MILA.

The kitten, my ass. A six-foot-tall horse? And that’s without heels. Barefoot, the bitch!

MILA.

Big women are for work; little women are for love.

MARINA.

Some kind of milkmaid.

MILA (demonstrating with her hands).

A milkmaid — that takes skills.

MARINA.

Skills! And he’s got a heart problem. Whatever. When he shows up, I’ll deal with him.

MILA.

Oh, sure. You’ll “deal with him.” Where are you going to go? Leave him? Another part-time job at the university? So he’s texting some big mama. So what? Let’s take a picture of you in your underwear and send it to him. We’ll write: “Hello, my little goat!”

MARINA.

I don’t even have decent underwear.

MILA.

Then we’ll take the picture without it.

MARINA.

Oh Come on. (Pause.)

MILA.

That’s bad. Bad.

MARINA.

He won’t let me buy anything! Nothing! He saves every penny! Money is hard for him to make! And my life…

MILA (mocking).

What? Hard to make?

MARINA.

Flies right past me!

MILA (after a short pause).

Honestly, we buy things we can live without. But the things we really, really need — we can’t afford. When a woman goes shopping, she experiences three kinds of pleasure.

MARINA (putting a hand to her forehead).

Do you have any Tylenol? I need to buy some. A lot.

MILA.

First — she can wear it. It fits. Second — she can afford it. Third — the pleasure of the whole process.

MARINA.

We struck out on the first two…

MILA (nods).

Out of luck.

MARINA.

And the pleasure of the process…

MILA.

Forget it. (Pause.)

MARINA.

I need to lift my eyelids, fix this under my nose, my chin, and… (points to her thighs).

MILA (mocking her).

My chiiiiin! That’s a goiter, it’s called! My chiiiiin! One woman at our club lost weight. Starved herself. Suffered. Couldn’t sleep. Good for her! I respect that! Her neck sagged like a turkey’s. She became afraid of mirrors. Even in the dark. So she gained the weight back. Much better now. She looks like a frog. An old one. (Pause.)

MARINA.

I should get a facelift. They implant gold threads nowadays.

MILA.

Yeah, right! Gold is supposed to be worn on the outside. Threads! We’ll all end up like marionettes on strings. It used to be the other way around. No need to get fancy. Daughter, learn from our TV: “We’re number one, we’re the best, we’re smart, we’re happy!” Go to the mirror in the morning, before anyone can hear you, and say the lines. Smart people wrote them.

I repeat, for the especially gifted: A man without an apartment and money, (gestures below the waist.) even if he still functions… (shakes her head). Gera is right. Give you the chance and you’ll spend all your savings putting Botox under your skin.

(A Pause.)

MARINA.

It’s okay. We’ll finish the house construction. We’ll move in. Things will work out.

MILA.

Yes! Life will get better! You’ll each disappear into your own corner. You won’t see each other for weeks. He’ll be at work from morning till night. You’ll be at the university, polishing your chair by your ass. By the way, aren’t you tired of it?

MARINA (still worried).

Foreign languages are necessary for communication — to make the world a better place.

MILA (mocking).

“Make the world a better place”. Well, nature didn’t exactly make you much smart!

MARINA.

Genetics is a stubborn thing.

MILA.

The world couldn’t care less whether we’re here or not. We can’t make it better. We need to fix ourselves, from the inside.

MARINA.

Take a laxative. (Pause.)

MILA.

People don’t talk anymore. They send text messages. Haven’t you noticed? Seriously, explain this to me. Larisa is an adult. She’s not going to live with you. What do you need? A kitchen, a little table, two chairs, a couch, a TV, one bed if the man still functions, or two beds, if he is not. That’s it! A big house, you know… You put your keys down and can’t remember where. You walk around in circles looking for them. And your knees aren’t made of steel. Not yet, anyway. You should’ve downsized to an apartment in the city. A one-bedroom for Larisa is it bad idea?

MARINA.

Yeah, right. She’s divorced. She’s left with nothing.

MILA.

It happens. What can you do?

MARINA.

It’s so simple: get married with no money, get divorced with money. But no!

MILA.

Now Lara will steal another married goat from the family.

MARINA.

Why steal?

MILA.

You don’t ask why it’s a goat? I know, I know. (Copying MARINA.) All men are freaks, all of them goats. The good ones were taken back in high school! Still, you’re right. She doesn’t have to steal anyone. You see, Marina, once upon a time people lived in herds in caves.

MARINA.

Oh, God! What did I do to deserve all this?!

MILA (continues).

They randomly mated to make children.

MARINA.

Is that your genetic memory talking?

MILA.

Then they came out and started farming. Land had to be passed on to the children. That’s when the family appeared — a kind of labor agreement.

MARINA.

Oh, please! What kind of labor agreement?! Nobody wants to work!

Dmitry enters.

DMITRY (knocks on his head with his fist).

Knock, knock, knock!

MILA.

Knock on your head.

DMITRY.

May a good man come in?

MILA.

You’re already in.

DMITRY (pointed on the door).

You don’t have it locked.

MILA.

The furniture hasn’t arrived. There’s nothing to steal. Except us, maybe.

DMITRY.

Where’s the head of the family?

MARINA.

You miss us?

DMITRY.

He’s been ignoring my phone calls all morning.

MARINA.

His battery must be dead.

DMITRY.

When will he come?

MARINA.

No idea.

DMITRY.

We need to talk. It can’t wait until tomorrow.

MILA.

There’s nothing for him to “talk” about. He “found himself a beautiful milkmaid!”

MARINA.

Dima, what brings you here?

DMITRY.

A little problem came up. (Looks at Mila.)

MARINA.

There are no secrets from Mom.

DMITRY.

True enough.

MARINA (sharply to Dmitry).

I’m not offering you tea.

DMITRY.

Thanks. Coffee would be better.

MILA.

Good boy!

MARINA.

Brazilian?

DMITRY.

That’ll do.

MARINA.

It hasn’t arrived yet.

MILA.

Did you know that in Brazil, cars instead fuel run on alcohol?

DMITRY.

As a man who drinks, I find that deeply offensive.

MILA (to Marina).

See? I told you. You blurt out something stupid and the man gets upset and hangs himself.

MARINA (sharply).

Dima, sorry, we don’t have any alcohol either. What are you…

DMITRY.

That’s okay. Once you move in, we’ll get drunk. And besides…

MARINA (shouting).

I am not in the mood for small talk! (Moves toward Dmitry.)

Mila quickly takes out her cell phone and starts recording what is happening.

DMITRY.

Lyudmila Petrovna! Don’t allow a murder to take place on your property!

MILA.

Why not? It’s all there. He broke in. Threatened us. Raped… both of us. Self-defense. Murder in a state of disappointment — or rather, passion.

MARINA (to Dmitry).

That’s it. Enough. Get out!

DMITRY.

Breath! We need to talk. Let’s sit down.

MILA.

You’ll sit down when the court will put you in prison.

DMITRY (backing toward the door).

Looks like we’ve got a situation. The main payment is due by the end of the week. A small balance will remain when the keys are handed over. (As he leaves.) By the end of the week. Otherwise, the contract is canceled. The deposit is nonrefundable. (Disappears.)

MARINA (dials her cell phone; no answer).

That was a stupid thing to do! You can’t treat me like that. Bastard! The house doesn’t even have a roof yet, and already this! Son of a bitch! And you call yourself a friend!

MILA.

I take a walk around that neighborhood every morning. Can’t say much work is getting done. No. And there’s no equipment either. So, daughter, let’s start unpacking the boxes.

Larisa enters, carrying a small rolling suitcase.

LARISA.

Hi, girls! Where’s Dad?

MARINA (making a money gesture with her fingers).

Miss him?

LARISA.

Rough morning?

MARINA.

Your father isn’t answering to phone calls!

MILA (to Larisa).

I cleared out a room for you. (Points to the suitcase.) Is that all?

LARISA (looking at her watch).

A room? I’m not sure about anything yet. Did they transfer the money?

MARINA.

They will.

The sound of a car horn.

LARISA.

That’s my ride. Bye, girls.

MARINA (sharply).

Who is he?!

MILA.

You can’t talk to your daughter like that! It’s not nice!

MARINA (sharply to Larisa).

You didn’t answer me!

LARISA (on her way out, stops and turns to Marina).

Oh, right. No comment.

The lights go out. Music.

Scene Two

In the living room, Mila and Marina. Marina is beside herself. She tries calling on her cell phone. The subscriber is out of range… Mila is completely calm, gently rocking in her chair, absorbed in the information on her cell phone screen.

MARINA.

What a bastard! You could report him missing!

MILA (looking at her watch).

Too late. He left for the Maldives hours ago with that beautiful milkmaid.

MARINA (cynically).

Yeah, right! A supermodel!

MILA.

A real beauty! Oh, boy! And you? Bags under your eyes, bags where your breasts used to be. (Waves her hand.) Little bags. Empty ones. (Pause.) No makeup! Hair not done! Manicure. And don’t even get me started on the pedicure.

MARINA.

I’m not some kind of prostitute.

MILA.

Exactly! You’re a university professor. That comes with certain obligations!

MARINA.

Professor.

MILA.

You’re ashamed to wear makeup. Ashamed to dress up. And undressing is even worse. Not good, honey, not good!

MARINA.

As you get older, there’s only one thing on your mind.

MILA.

I’m not old. I’m just not exactly young anymore. But you…

MARINA (shouts).

Enough! Give me a break from you!

MILA.

I’m not one of your students for you to yell at me. Especially not in my own house.

MARINA.

Sorry. I forgot. We’re here as refugees.

MILA.

Refugees? I’m no Merkel. I’m not paying for you. Geld ist kaput!

German enters.

MARINA (to German).

What happened?!

GERMAN (looks at Mila, then at Marina, and signals that they can’t talk in front of her). (To Mila, with a bow.)

My respects!

MILA.

How about a kiss?

MARINA.

I’m going crazy…

MILA.

A crazy person can’t go crazy twice.

MARINA (quietly, confidentially).

SMS! Two words! It’s to difficult?!

GERMAN (to Mila).

So, uh… What’s new?

MILA.

Nothing new. Everything’s old like me. Everything’s old like the world.

GERMAN.

Folklore. Somebody ought to write this stuff down.

MILA.

I do. I write everything down.

Marina gestures to German: “Well?”

MILA (getting up from the rocking chair).

All right. I’m going. (Leaves.)

GERMAN.

Going far?

MILA.

To the neighbor across the street. I’ll ask who drove Larisa away. (Exits.)

MARINA (sharply to German).

I’m listening!

GERMAN.

Got anything to drink?

MARINA.

We’ll get drunk later.

GERMAN.

Can I smoke in here?

MARINA.

Talk to me!

GERMAN.

Sit down? Fine. We’ll stand.

MARINA.

Gera, it’s enough!

GERMAN.

Long story short…

MARINA.

No! Not short. Give me the whole story!

GERMAN.

They changed the locks on the apartment.

MARINA.

Of course they did!

GERMAN.

The money wasn’t transferred.

MARINA.

Figures!

GERMAN.

The real-estate agent isn’t answering.

MARINA.

What about the bank?

GERMAN.

They say it all went toward the loan and taxes.

MARINA.

Nothing left for us?

GERMAN.

Exactly.

MARINA (quietly).

I see.

(A Pause.)

MARINA.

Gera. We lost the apartment because of our debts.

GERMAN.

We’ll move into the new house in a month…

MARINA (sharply).

Don’t fuck with me!

GERMAN.

I’m not planning to. (Pause.)

MARINA.

How are we going to pay for the new house?

GERMAN.

We’ll figure it out. For now, we’ll have to put up with your mother’s antics.

MARINA.

Change of subject! She’s an old woman!

GERMAN.

Ha!

MARINA.

It’s not her fault she made it to eighty.

GERMAN.

The house… Our house will be built! It will!

MARINA.

Dmitry stopped by. The next payment is due by the end of the week.

GERMAN.

What?!

MARINA.

He’s putting the pressure on us, the bastard.

GERMAN.

He’s under pressure, too.

MARINA (shouting).

He’s under pressure? Fuck him!

GERMAN.

I’m here to resolve the problem… Anyway, if we sell this house (gestures around) and your car…

MARINA.

So I’ll take the bus to the university?

GERMAN (shouting).

You don’t even earn enough at the university to pay for the gas!

MARINA (shouting).

I don’t do it for the money! (Quietly.) Not for the money.

GERMAN (trying to make peace).

That’s what I thought. (Pause.) The location is good, and the car isn’t old. We can raise enough for the down payment.

MARINA.

And…

GERMAN (interrupting).

Mom. Good question. Timely question.

MARINA.

We need a good answer.

GERMAN.

A nursing home. Assisted living.

MARINA.

She won’t go.

GERMAN.

We’ll ask. We’ll cry. We’ll howl. We’ll whine. She said it herself: (imitating Mila) “Children don’t owe their parents anything. Parents owe their children…”

MARINA (finishes).

“Because they brought them into this terrible world without their consent.”

GERMAN.

Wise woman. Learn from her. And anyway, she’s already…

MARINA (interrupting).

Don’t build on it. Her lab tests shows only one abnormality — elevated hemoglobin. Even a geomagnetic storm can’t knock her down. Everyone else is flat on their backs with wet towels on their heads, and she…

GERMAN.

I read on the Internet that people who think only of themselves have powerful immune systems. Cancer can’t touch them. By the way, maybe the doctors should check her out… just as a precaution. Wait, doesn’t she have sciatica or something?

MARINA.

Sciatica is a disease (sharply.) of healthy people!

GERMAN.

Still, let them check.

MARINA.

“If a person wants to live, medicine is powerless”. I read it on Facebook.

GERMAN.

In old people, hemoglobin usually goes down, doesn’t it?

MARINA. Gera, Gera… (They embrace.) How could you screw up the apartment?!

GERMAN.

It’s okay. We’re not giving up yet! They hugging.)

Mila enters.

MILA.

Romance? Well, well! (Approaches the rocking chair.) I forgot my phone. (Picks up the phone from the rocking chair. On her way out.) Larisa still hasn’t left with him. They’re sitting in the car, arguing, I think. The guy seems okay. Cute. Skinny.

GERMAN.

What kind of car?

MILA.

I don’t know anything about cars, sorry. (Exits.)

Mila walks along the front of the stage, listening to the conversation between Marina and German recorded on her phone. She laughs.

Recorded audio.

MARINA’S VOICE.

Don’t build on it. Her lab work shows only one abnormality — elevated hemoglobin.

GERMAN’S VOICE.

I read on the Internet that people who think only of themselves have powerful immune systems. Cancer can’t touch them. By the way, maybe the doctors should check her out… just as a precaution.

Mila laughs. From the opposite side, Larisa approaches, walking backward.

LARISA (giving someone behind her the middle finger).

Fuck you! Don’t call me again! (Turns and faces Mila.)

MILA.

Larisa, behave yourself.

LARISA.

He’s a good guy.

MILA.

All the good ones are married, sweetheart.

LARISA.

He is, too.

MILA.

I can’t say “Wow!” about that. So what did you two fight about?

LARISA (laughing).

“Grandma, why are your ears so big?”

MILA (holding up her cell phone).

“So I can hear you better.”

LARISA (hugs Mila).

Grandma, you’re such a weirdo!

MILA.

How fast time flies. I remember (points at Larisa) when we brought you home from the maternity ward. I fed you with a spoon and taught you to use the potty. In the summer, you spent all day on the swings. In the winter, you got tonsillitis. I used to read you Winnie-the-Pooh. What a wonderful time that was. Seems like yesterday. And now, look at you, fighting with other women’s husbands.

LARISA.

We just couldn’t agree!

MILA.

You’ll work it out. Don’t abandon your parents when they get old. Old age is a funny thing — it isn’t for everyone. Don’t abandon them. (After a short pause.) It’s chilly. Let’s go inside. (They walk along the front of the stage.)

LARISA (stops).

Grandma?

MILA.

Yes?

LARISA.

Give me some money for a cab. I can’t take it. I’m going to his place.

MILA (pulls several bills from her sleeve and hands them to Larisa).

My girl! Call me when you get there, okay?

LARISA (kisses Mila on the cheek).

Thanks, Grandma. (Runs off.)

Scene Three

Evening. The living room in Mila’s house. Marina and German exchange lines while each looks at their own cell phone.

GERMAN.

The interest rate is going up.

MARINA.

The cost of staying in a nursing home… Wow! In assisted living… Wow!

GERMAN.

And the Social Security pays nothing?

MARINA.

As Mom says, the government, under the guise of protecting citizen’s interests, bleeds them dry without giving anything in return. (Pause.)

GERMAN.

She’ll have fans in the nursing home. She might even become a political leader.

MARINA.

She won’t go. She won’t.

GERMAN.

She’s your mother! You’re the one who has to talk to her!

MARINA (shouting).

Easy for you to say! And I’m supposed to throw an old woman out of her own home?!

GERMAN (shouting).

Fine! Let’s do nothing! We’ll fly off to the Canary Islands! And Mom can sit here alone in this palace and cuckoo away!

Mila appears.

MILA (nodding).

Cuckoo! (Pause.) Like a couple of little kids. You can’t leave you two alone.

GERMAN (sharply, cynically).

You can (!) leave us alone!

MILA.

Summer. Maybe you’ll send me to the Canary Islands? Or go yourselves… They say the lounge chairs there are so good, you can’t even dent them with your ass. (Pause.)

GERMAN.

Good idea.

MILA.

Shall we have a drink?

MARINA.

Are you allowed to?

MILA.

Ha! (She gestures to German, indicating where the bottle and glasses are, either offstage or onstage.)

GERMAN (brings out three glasses of whiskey and hands one to each woman).

Here you go, Mom! Mom is a serious person. And you’re a real chatterbox. (He opens the bottle and pours whiskey into the glasses.)

MILA.

Being a chatterbox is her profession — and the subject of her dissertation.

GERMAN.

Well, here’s to love!

MILA.

To passion! (They drink.) Lara probably won’t spend the night here. She took a cab to her guy’s place.

MARINA.

Oh… (gestures: “Who? What?”)

MILA.

A normal guy. Good-looking.

MARINA.

Another hungry one.

MILA.

He studies foreign languages. Maybe he’s one of your students. Wait, did you set him up with Lara?

GERMAN.

He’s working his way into our family — to get his credits.

MILA (raises her glass).

To you, my nasty children!

GERMAN (raises his glass).

To your health!

MILA (with a meaningful smirk).

Thaaank you! (She drinks.)

MARINA.

Mom, seriously, how are you feeling?

MILA.

Too good, sorry.

MARINA.

You’re not exactly young anymore. We’re worried.

MILA.

That I’ll get even older?

MARINA.

It’s long past time…

MILA.

Time for what?

MARINA.

Long past time for an EKG, an MRI, blood tests.

MILA.

I’m not getting any tests. Doctors laugh at my hemoglobin.

MARINA.

They’re jealous.

GERMAN.

They used to treat that with bloodletting.

MILA.

Thanks, sweetheart! (Pause.)

GERMAN.

Shall we have another drink? (They drink.)

MILA.

Guys. I (remembering, quotes from a recording on her cell phone) am not to blame for making it to eighty. Even a geomagnetic storm can’t knock me down. Everyone else is flat on their backs with wet towels on their heads. And me? Nothing. (To Marina, because these are her lines overheard through the phone.) Good for you!

Herman looks at Marina. She gestures that she has absolutely no idea what he is talking about.

GERMAN.

Don’t you get lonely here by yourself? No cat, no dog.

MILA.

I have cockroaches. Big, pedigreed ones. They don’t ask to be fed, and you don’t have to walk them. (Pause.) I don’t have time to be bored, darling. Walks, exercise, the senior’s club, dancing. As the classic said: “Life should be lived so…”

GERMAN (interrupting).

So it won’t be unbearably long.

MILA.

Exactly! Only “long” is a relative term. But you have to fight the “unbearable” part. I fight it. What about you?

GERMAN.

Aren’t you afraid being alone at night?

MILA.

Fear is a product of the brain. Assuming, of course, you have one.

GERMAN.

A woman shouldn’t be this smart.

MILA. Being smart is allowed. Showing it isn’t. We’ve always had a soft spot for stupid women.

MARINA.

Not a soft spot. They’re just in high demand.

MILA.

See? And you went into academia.

GERMAN.

Deep. Very deep.

MARINA (to German).

You and I still need to have a serious talk.

MILA.

Later. I’ll leave, and you can fight as much as you want.

(A Pause.)

German and Marina exchange signals. Herman urges Marina to bring up the matter.

MILA.

Am I in the way? Should I leave? Or stay?

MARINA.

Mom, look…

HERMAN.

We’re in a difficult situation.

MILA.

Really?

MARINA.

You said, “Parents owe their children…”

MILA.

“Without their consent.” “It’s a cruel world.” Yes. I remember. I remember. And…

GERMAN.

There’s still no money from the apartment. More precisely, there won’t be any.

MILA.

Wow!

GERMAN.

The house isn’t finished yet. For it…

MILA (interrupting).

Pay, pay, and pay.

GERMAN.

No. Just pay-pay. Two more tranzactions.

MILA.

I don’t have money to lend you. And to sale my kidney or liver — I’m afraid I couldn’t handle the workload. (Pause.)

MARINA.

We’re not in the mood for jokes.

MILA.

Too bad. We make our own lives unbearable. The Almighty doesn’t give us what we want, but what we need.

GERMAN.

Oh! There! That’s it! We…

MILA (points to herself and then to Marina and Herman). We?

GERMAN.

No. (Points to himself and Marina.) We…

MILA.

Okay…

GERMAN.

We need to sell your house.

MILA.

Wow! With me included?

MARINA.

Mom, this isn’t funny.

MILA.

I think it’s quite funny. We old people are no use to you. You need more space. And money, money, money. (Pause.) Yes. People are miserable together. But loneliness is much worse. Okay. I’m listening. (After a short pause.) But remember this. One day you’ll wake up in my bed. Your eighties will be behind you. And you’ll be full of energy, desire, and hope. You were only sixteen yesterday. (Pause.) Why do you need a new house? Stay here and be happy. And me? There are worse old ladies than me.

GERMAN.

It’s not that simple. We have to pay. We don’t see any other way out right now.

MILA.

Right now? I understand.

MARINA.

Mom, people live in nursing homes or assisted living. They have fun there. They have company.

MILA.

Too much fun. The fun is off the charts! I visit Martha, an old friend. Oh, yeah! Life is really happening there. Someone writes a love letter and can’t remember to whom. They arrange a date in the bathroom, and neither one shows up. They forgot. (After a short pause.) The men have been putting on The Greek Fig Tree for three years. And every time it’s like the first time. They sell Viagra, sleeping pills, and condoms. They play cards. For money they don’t have and never will.

GERMAN.

Now that’s life. (Pause.)

MILA.

So, as I understand it, there are no options.

GERMAN.

If we don’t pay, I’ll be held responsible.

MILA.

No. I won’t let them hurt you. Let’s go to bed. Everything tomorrow. Everything! Good night! (She disappears.)

Dmitry appears.

DMITRY.

I see the car pulled up.

MARINA.

Keeping an eye on the house. Couldn’t find anyone else? Don’t freeze your ass off in the bushes. You’ll get prostatitis. Treatment costs money.

DMITRY.

I was just passing by. (He approaches German. They silently greet each other like old friends — with a handshake and a touch on the shoulder.)

MARINA.

Why didn’t you just drive by? Flat tire?

DMITRY.

We need to talk.

MARINA.

What’s there to talk about?! You’ve already dropped the bomb! Thanks, friend!

GERMAN (to Dmitry).

Don’t just stand there. Come in. Have a drink?

DMITRY.

I can’t.

GERMAN.

Good answer. Inspires sympathy.

MARINA.

There we go! Here we go again! Should I leave or what?

DMITRY.

Marina, come on!

MARINA.

Then talk! Don’t keep us waiting!

DMITRY.

I feel really awkward…

MARINA.

Didn’t you hear me?

GERMAN.

Marina, calm down. Dima, let’s have a little drink.

MARINA.

Creative. (She brings in a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. She hands the glasses to Dmitry and Herman. Dmitry shakes his head. He does not want to take the glass. To Dmitry: she pretends she is going to pour whiskey into both glasses, but demonstratively pours the contents of the bottle onto the floor.) Something to eat?

DMITRY.

Thanks. I’m full.

MARINA (thoughtfully).

Shod, dressed, and fed. (To Dmitry.) Are we going to talk, or should I pour you another one?

DMITRY.

Your apartment has been taken away from you. (In response to Marina’s astonishment.) There was a warning sign.

GERMAN.

Ah, it’s nothing. We’ll amend the contract. We’ll take a little less.

DMITRY.

You won’t get any money. And if you start making trouble, you’ll end up in debt. I’m really sorry.

MARINA.

Go ahead and cry!

DMITRY.

It’s not over yet, Marina. The main payment, though, has to be transferred by the end of the week.

GERMAN.

But the contract…

DMITRY (regretfully).

Did you read the contract when you signed it? This isn’t a contract; it’s a dissertation! Thirty pages!

MARINA.

I see. We’re screwed again.

DMITRY.

You’re not screwed. Pay, and the house is yours. You can’t pay, there’s a buyer. The deposit is nonrefundable. (Pause.) Lyudmila is probably asleep. And here we are, raising our voices.

GERMAN.

She’s not here. (He gestures to stop Marina from objecting.) She’s in the hospital. (He gives Marina a warning look.)

DMITRY.

Is it serious?

GERMAN.

At her age, even the flu can… (gestures toward heaven).

DMITRY.

So, she…

GERMAN (interrupting).

Lara’s with her. We’ll be leaving soon.

DMITRY.

What do the doctors say?

GERMAN.

They asked her to keep her phone on.

DMITRY.

Well, say “hi” to her. Hope she gets better.

GERMAN.

I will. (He points to the walls of the room.) We’ll pay. Just give us a little time.

DMITRY.

Two weeks. I can’t give you more.

GERMAN.

A month, Dima, a month! And now excuse me. We have to go.

DMITRY.

Hang in there. (He disappears.)

Marina lunges at German, trying to hit him. He dodges. Marina grabs the empty whiskey bottle and raises it to strike him. The remaining liquid spills onto her. She yelps. German embraces her.

Blackout. Music.

ACT TWO

Scene Four

Morning. Marina and German are onstage.

GERMAN.

What are we having for breakfast?

MARINA.

What’s going on with that white-haired cow?

GERMAN.

It’s not what you think?

MARINA.

What, a man in disguise?

GERMAN.

I don’t see Mila anywhere. How is she?

MARINA.

Not if I can help it.

GERMAN.

We got a month. We’ll figure something out. We have to sell the house… and the car, too, while it still runs.

MARINA.

No. I’d rather trade husbands while this one is still walking.

GERMAN.

When you’re in debt and flat broke, we have to stick together.

MARINA.

You’re right. Let’s stick together. Show me where.

GERMAN.

Was it so bad, sitting in that restaurant pretending we were at the hospital?

MARINA.

Yeah. Took us years to get out of there.

GERMAN.

As your mother says, if we don’t make our own celebrations, nobody will do it for us.

MARINA.

That’s how she lives. I envy her. Some people embrace life and smile at it, and life smiles back.

GERMAN.

I can’t do that — just say to hell with everything and smile like an idiot.

MARINA.

She’s not going to a nursing home.

GERMAN.

We’ll get her married.

MARINA.

Yeah, right. Some old guy with a catheter moving in here? Don’t even joke about it.

GERMAN.

She’s a smart woman. Better to tell her the truth. She’ll understand. She’ll want to help us out.

MARINA.

Where are we supposed to put her? In a birdhouse in the oak tree?

GERMAN.

She’ll live with us. And then…

MARINA.

She’ll outlive all of us. She’ll inherit the new house, too.

GERMAN.

We should put that option in the contract.

MARINA.

Put it in. Just don’t screw it up again.

GERMAN.

Over the next couple of weeks, we have to put on a show for Dmitry. Here’s the story: we brought her home. The diagnosis is hopeless. She keeps getting worse and worse. I’ll arrange for the guys to come by in an ambulance every other day. The main thing is that Mila doesn’t blow it. Otherwise, we’re screwed. That’s mostly your job.

MARINA. The circus has left town. The clowns stayed behind.

GERMAN.

Dima will be poking around the house. We have to make her up to look sick. Really sick. Can you do it?

MARINA.

Easy.

GERMAN.

And, most importantly, she can’t be running around the house or working herself to death in the garden.

Mila appears.

MILA.

I don’t have the strength anymore — to work myself to death in the garden.

GERMAN.

There! That’s what I call good hearing!

MILA.

Musical hearing. My accompanist used to say, “Mila has perfect pitch.”

GERMAN.

Please. A natural-born actress. Lyudmila…

MILA (interrupting).

Oh, give it a rest.

GERMAN.

Mom…

MILA.

No, that’s too much.

GERMAN.

Mila.

MILA.

That’ll do. Mila, Mila…

GERMAN (interrupting).

Mila!

MILA.

You’re not getting… anything. (Pause.)

GERMAN.

You’ve said more than once, “We have to hurry to help.”

MILA.

And I’m saying it now. It’s terrifying to wake up one day and realize… You could have helped. You were needed. But you didn’t. For some reason, you didn’t. You found excuses and didn’t help. And the clock keeps going — tick-tock. You can’t turn it back. You can’t undo it. That’s what’s frightening, my dears. Very frightening. (Pause.)

GERMAN.

Words of wisdom. I take my hat off to you.

MILA.

Too soon, darling. It’s not the funeral yet. (Pause.)

MARINA.

Mom, the moment has come.

MILA.

Already? Well, that’s a shame. I feel great.

MARINA.

Mom, this is no time for jokes! We really need your help! Gera, explain. I’m afraid I’m going to lose it. (Pause.)

MILA.

Are you going to talk, or should I put some ear drops in?

GERMAN.

Your hearing is fine as it is.

MILA.

“Musical hearing”, I remember.

MARINA.

God, what did I do to deserve all this?!

MILA.

Such a religious woman you’ve become.

GERMAN.

Bottom line: if you don’t help us, we’re done.

MILA.

I get it.

GERMAN.

We have a plan.

MILA.

Shoot!

GERMAN.

But without your part, it…

MARINA.

Not part — the leading role!

MILA.

So I’ve lived long enough to get a leading role! Who’s the stage director?

GERMAN.

Dima’s putting the pressure on. He’s drained me dry.

MILA.

And he didn’t get poisoned?

GERMAN.

We lied to him…

MARINA (interrupting).

You lied.

GERMAN.

Ok, I’m being honest — I lied. (Sharply to Marina.) I lied, and you’re such a good little angel!

MILA.

You lied. Oh, Gera, you deserve a spanking, but I’m afraid you’d enjoy it.

MARINA.

Maybe we can finish this tomorrow?

MILA.

And what if I don’t make it to tomorrow? I am getting on in years.

GERMAN.

Ha!

MARINA (to Herman).

Quiet!

GERMAN.

No, better today.

MARINA.

Then let’s get down to business. Enough beating around the bush!

MILA.

Enough. For once, a heart-to-heart, like a family. No. They need to get down to business. (In a deep voice.) I’m listening!

GERMAN.

I told Dmitry that you, well, that you…

MILA (gestures toward heaven).

Croak!

GERMAN.

No, God forbid!

MILA.

Another religious one! Afraid of becoming an orphan?

GERMAN.

Anyway, you’re, well, seriously ill. Pretending.

MILA.

Syphilis!

GERMAN.

The diagnosis doesn’t matter.

MILA.

The prognosis does, and it’s… (gives a thumbs-down).

GERMAN (enthusiastically).

Exactly!

MILA.

And you two are the heirs, and… (points to the walls and ceiling, then to the clothes she is wearing.) And… Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes!

MARINA.

Yes?

MILA.

Wait, daughter. (To herself.) Daughter, daughter, don’t throw me into the water.

MARINA.

Mom, stay focused.

MILA.

Gera, why not just tell him I’m selling the house and you’re taking me in at the new one?

Marina and Herman burst out laughing at the same time. Marina shoves Herman. They regain their composure.

MILA.

I gotcha. That kind of lie won’t fly. (Pause.) I’ll have to look sick.

GERMAN.

You got it!

MILA.

Stop paying attention to my hair.

MARINA.

Save money on the manicure.

GERMAN.

We’ll have to take you into town in an ambulance. You know how it goes with old people. They admit them. The prognosis is bad. Then they discharge them.

MILA.

Right.

GERMAN.

So? Will you play along?

MARINA.

Mom, there really is no way out. Help us. Please!

MILA.

So, syphilis? Final stage? Softening of the brain? Tabes dorsalis?

GERMAN.

That’s out of fashion these days.

MILA.

Fine. Heart failure.

GERMAN.

That should work.

MILA.

Is Larisa in on it?

MARINA.

I’ll warn her.

MILA.

Don’t embarrass yourself. I’ll do it myself. (Pause.) Oh, are we going to have some fun!

Blackout. Music.

Scene Five

LARISA and MILA are onstage.

MILA.

Well, homewrecker, didn’t the scrawny guy make it to the bed?

LARISA.

Oh, forget him. Jerk!

MILA.

Got it. Didn’t make it.

LARISA.

Grandma, where are all the normal men? Should I go to Europe to find one?

MILA.

You watch Eurovision? Seen that guy with the beard? (Pause.)

LARISA.

They’re performers. They have no choice.

MILA.

They have no choice. For them, wherever there’s an exit, there’s an entrance. (Pause.)

LARISA.

Not all of them, Grandma! Not all.

MILA.

Not all… haven’t come out yet.

LARISA.

My biological clock is ticking.

MILA.

Biological? That’s when your face starts running ahead of your birth certificate? Don’t look at it.

LARISA.

What about the mirror?

MILA.

I’m not afraid of mirrors. My eyesight is going.

LARISA.

Must be nice.

MILA.

Jealous!

LARISA.

You’re funny, Grandma.

MILA.

Tell me, what are your requirements for the man of your dreams? Bottom line, what do you want from men?

LARISA.

Uh… Well, he should…

MILA.

Wrong answer. No requirements! None! Take what you get and love him! Your mother-in-law can have requirements. She doesn’t have to sleep with him. That’s usually how it works.

LARISA.

No. That’s too extreme.

MILA (mocking her).

Extreme, creative, blah, blah. Love isn’t enough when you find it. You have to fight for it. Look at all those women fighting over your father. Oh! A drop spilled.

LARISA.

What?

MILA.

Just —  (gestures: quiet.)

LARISA.

No problem.

MILA.

This one — (gestures). A buxom blonde. Naked in the picture.

LARISA.

WHERE did you…

MILA.

They leave their iPhones all over the house. I thought it was mine. And…

LARISA.

And what now?

MILA.

Luckily, they got tied up with the apartment. They don’t have time for nonsense right now.

LARISA.

Yeah… Things are happening.

MILA.

Why do you care?

LARISA.

I do. With problems like these, the house, the apartment, the savings could all disappear.

MILA.

So smart now. How did you manage to get married and end up with nothing?

LARISA.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty.

MILA.

Hindsight?

LARISA.

Exactly. Hindsight. (Pause.)

MILA.

I don’t want to be sick. And pretending to be sick is even worse. I feel bad letting them down. I’ve lived my whole life like this. Always having to consider someone else, adjust to someone else. It’s uncomfortable to say no. Awkward to walk away. You’d think I’d at least get a “thank you” out of it.

LARISA.

You’re doing it for a “thank you”?

MILA (after a brief pause).

No. For my own pleasure.

LARISA.

You’re a smart woman, Grandma!

MILA.

People make their own lives pleasant or unbearable.

LARISA.

Awesome! I choose pleasant.

MILA.

So here’s the plan. Listen carefully. Robert will be here any minute in the ambulance. I’ll have another attack. You go with me.

LARISA.

Why put on this whole circus? Dmitry drives by a couple of times and that’s it.

MILA.

What about the neighbor across the street? Consider him full-time now.

LARISA.

He should’ve installed a security camera.

MILA.

A camera, you say. Yes. An electrician was messing around at his place. Good job, Dima. Fine. We’ll stage the heart attack. We’ll make it downtown. I’m thinking: beauty salon, massage, manicure-pedicure, designer makeup. Then a Michelin-starred restaurant!

LARISA.

You won’t be able to eat there. But once you see the bill, you’ll definitely need a hospital.

(A Pause.)

MILA.

I’m paying. No need to stuff ourselves. Gotta stay in shape to pick up men. (Pause.)

LARISA.

Grandma, isn’t it a little late for you?

MILA (framing her face with her hands).

This part is old. (Meaningfully.) Everything else is young and ready for ballet.

LARISA.

Your figure…

MILA.

Damn right!

LARISA.

Listen, the face is temporary staf. You can erase it and draw a new one.

MILA.

Not necessarily. Cover the forehead! Big dark sunglasses! Lipstick and lip liner! Against those juicy lips — dazzling white teeth! Dentures, so what? (Pause.) We’ll track down the prey and sink our teeth into him!

LARISA.

With our teeth.

MILA.

Porcelain. They’ll hold.

LARISA.

Downtown there are more hunters than prey. On the outskirts, the prey isn’t worth hunting.

MILA.

Then — shopping!

LARISA.

Shopping?

MILA.

We’ll walk the aisles! Rustle some clothes.

LARISA.

And what if we find something that fits?

MILA.

We buy it!

The approaching siren of an ambulance is heard.

MILA.

Oh! (Searches for LARISA’s arm to lean on.) Oh, God! It hurts! It hurts!

LARISA (leading MILA offstage, quietly).

Hang in there, Grandma. Hang in there.

MILA and LARISA emerge from stage left. DMITRY watches them through binoculars from stage left. MILA looks gravely ill. She has difficulty moving her legs. She is wearing a hideous robe and slippers. She leans on LARISA’s elbow with one hand and reaches blindly into the air with the other. Her lips are bluish; she is short of breath. She moans softly. The flashing ambulance lights can be seen onstage. MILA and LARISA reach center stage. Two EMTs roll out a stretcher or wheelchair toward them. They place MILA on it, put an oxygen mask over her face, and wheel her offstage. LARISA hurries after them.

During all this, DMITRY takes several pictures with his cell phone. He pumps his fist and shouts, “Yes!” Then disappears.

Blackout.

Light back.

GERMAN and MARINA are onstage.

MARINA.

Dmitry had a tractor working over there.

GERMAN.

And a cement mixer drove by twice.

MARINA.

People are working. What about you?

GERMAN.

I’m not working?! Yeah, I… no! Look at her! I’m not working!

MARINA.

Your jaw is working.

GERMAN.

Darling, you cook so well that it’s better to swallow without chewing, like a snake.

MARINA.

Don’t like it? Go to your milkmaid! She’ll pour you some borscht. But with her, “Honey, I’m tired. Maybe tomorrow” won’t work.

GERMAN (dreamily).

It won’t work.

MARINA.

Then why don’t you move in with her? Afraid you’ll die of sexual exhaustion?

GERMAN.

She rents a room.

MARINA.

Oh! Girl comes with a dowry!

GERMAN.

She lives with her dad. He treats his ulcer with whiskey and pepper. When that doesn’t work, he gets violent.

MARINA.

Poor thing! I’m crying my eyes out! Oh, I’m really crying! (Pause.) Dad beats people up, and the daughter… Never mind. What do we do about payment? Time is running out. Mom is looking better by the minute.

GERMAN.

Yeah. If she were actually in the ER. But like this, there’s no hope at all.

MARINA.

At least Larisa has calmed down with her tragic love life.

GERMAN.

Until the next creep. Don’t relax.

MARINA.

Where are we supposed to find an ideal like that (points at GERMAN)?

GERMAN (pointing at MARINA).

Not everyone gets that kind of genetics… from Mom.

MARINA.

Jealous?

GERMAN (checking his watch).

When are they coming back?

MARINA.

Aren’t you afraid?

GERMAN.

Everything I was afraid of has already happened. Almost everything.

MARINA.

Aren’t you afraid you’ll end up in her place someday?

GERMAN.

I won’t live that long. My cholesterol is high. And sometimes my pulse gets pretty strong.

MARINA.

Something being strong is already a good sign.

GERMAN.

Does anybody eat in this house?

MARINA.

I have no appetite.

DMITRY appears.

DMITRY.

I’m hungry all the time.

GERMAN.

Get checked for worms.

DMITRY.

We were hanging out in a sauna with the guys…

I gave a urine sample in the morning. My wife talked me into it. They say it’s normal, can you believe it? And we drank so much that there ought to have been nothing but alcohol in there. (Pause.)

MARINA.

Alcohol can’t be seen under a microscope.

DMITRY.

There’s a buyer for this house. Oh, pardon me! How’s Mom?

GERMAN.

Who is it?

MARINA.

Back in the hospital. They don’t want to admit her. They’ll pump her full of IV fluids and send her home. (Looks at her watch.)

GERMAN.

You’d think they were pumping her full of vitamins. She’d get better.

DMITRY (after a brief pause).

What are they saying?

MARINA.

No chance. They won’t even look us in the eye.

DMITRY.

They won’t look you in the eye? That’s bad.

GERMAN.

We were thinking of getting a home health aide or a nurse…

GERMAN (looking at his cell phone).

Actually, I have someone in mind…

MARINA.

Oh! I knew it! Only she’s not a nurse. She’s a milkmaid.

DMITRY.

She’ll milk Grandma dry. There won’t be anything left for you.

MARINA (to GERMAN).

I’ll deal with you later.

GERMAN.

Larisa volunteered to take care of her.

DMITRY (disappointed).

Oh. That’s good! That’s admirable!

MARINA.

She goes with her to the hospital and back. I can’t do it. I just can’t take it. (Tries to cry.)

GERMAN, facing the audience, struggles to keep from laughing.

DMITRY.

Larisa, she’s a good girl. What a… (Looks around.) What’s the square footage here?

MARINA (to DMITRY).

One more word and you’ll die before our mother.

DMITRY.

I’m leaving. (to GERMAN.) Hang in there.

DMITRY and GERMAN speak quietly as they head offstage.

DMITRY.

Selling a house isn’t that simple. (Nods toward MARINA.) You have to show the house, to make the showings. What did you think?

GERMAN.

Showings? How? With a seriously ill person living here?

DMITRY.

Good point. (Looks at his watch.) That’s it. I’m out of here.

GERMAN.

Come over tonight. For moral support and all that…

DMITRY.

Okay. (Disappears.)

(A Pause.)

MARINA.

Gera, listen. You shouldn’t have started this comedy.

GERMAN.

Shouldn’t have? Maybe not. But Larisa Mom have become friends. We’ll buy some time. If it doesn’t work, at least we’ll have a fun.

MARINA (cynically).

Good plan. Very good.

GERMAN.

So, are we eating today or what?

MARINA.

You realy have an appetite?

GERMAN.

Dima’s not here. You can relax. What’s in Mom’s refrigerator?

MARINA (sharply).

I have no appetite! Got it?

MILA and LARISA enter, cheerful and exhilarated. MILA has her hair styled, is made up, and is wearing high heels. They carry shopping bags.

MILA.

Well, I have an appetite (gestures) this big! They pumped my stomach, gave me an enema, and shot me up with vitamin B-12. Life is beautiful! (Quietly.) I feel so good, I almost feel guilty in front of my family.

LARISA shows MARINA a blouse, holding it against herself. MARINA likes it.

GERMAN.

You need to look seriously ill. Remember?

MILA.

Ill?! You genius! Our family genius! You gave us a wonderful day. Come here, let me kiss you!

GERMAN.

Thanks. I have someone to kiss.

MILA.

What?! (Looks at MARINA. MARINA sticks her tongue out at her in response and shakes her fist at GERMAN.) Ahhh! So that’s what this is about! Good for you! Way to go! Don’t give up!

LARISA (to GERMAN).

I saw a blouse like that… (Waves her hand and addresses MARINA.) I saw a blouse like that! Diagonal stripes! The sleeves! It’s something else!

MARINA.

How much?

MILA.

Ugh! How ordinary!

LARISA.

It didn’t fit.

MILA.

Good! Next time we’ll go…

Ohhh. I know where we’re going!

GERMAN.

Just not the casino, Mom! Please, not the casino!

MILA (looks at LARISA and snaps her fingers).

Genius! I told you: genius! There is the casino?…

GERMAN crosses himself.

MILA (to GERMAN).

You’re the man! So you two don’t starve to death here, Lara and I brought food.

GERMAN.

Wow! I love you, Mom!

MILA.

But you don’t want to kiss me. (Holds the bags out to MARINA. MARINA does not respond.) Oh, right. (Hands the bags to GERMAN.) Gera, this goes in the refrigerator, this goes on the table. Vodka goes in the freezer.

GERMAN.

Roger that!

MILA.

Stop guzzling that whiskey. You’re all turning yellow! (To LARISA.) Vodka! It is clean as my tears. Lara, Lara, sweetheart, let’s get the plates, forks, shot glasses! (Claps her hands.) Tempo! Tempo! Tempo! Chest up! Point those toes! Let’s go!

LARISA, energized, hurries toward the exit.

MARINA.

Lara, I have something in my bag…

LARISA (cheerfully, as she exits).

I’ll be right back!

GERMAN (clapping his hands).

Oky-doky!

MILA.

What did I tell you?

GERMAN.

Finally!

MILA.

Bon appétit!

GERMAN. Mo-o-om!

MILA moves to stage left, looks at herself in the compact mirror, and touches up her makeup.

MARINA and GERMAN carry a table onto the stage.

DMITRY appears and runs into LARISA, who is carrying knives, forks, and several shot glasses clutched between her fingers.

(A Pause.)

DMITRY.

What, already? (Pause.)

MILA (turning and walking toward DMITRY).

No. We haven’t sat down yet. We’re waiting for you…

DMITRY looks MILA over. He is stunned.

MILA (to DMITRY, pointing offstage).

Bathroom’s over there.

LARISA carefully puts the dinner items on the table.

MARINA struggles to keep from laughing. GERMAN is bewildered.

(A Pause.)

DMITRY.

Uh…

MILA.

What’s wrong, honey? Need an ambulance?

No. No need. It’s shock. Severe shock.

DMITRY (to MILA, pointing at GERMAN).

I was told that you…

MILA.

Ohhh. What people think about us and what they say about us has nothing to do with us.

DMITRY.

I’m sorry, but I was told that you have, shall we say, a condition. Something so…

MILA.

Hopeless!

DMITRY.

And that there’s absolutely no hope…

MILA.

Yes. Yes, my friend. Yes!

DMITRY.

But you…

MILA.

What?

DMITRY.

You look wonderful.

MILA.

That’s how things are with us. Good appearance, lousy prognosis. (Pause.)

GERMAN (gesturing around his face).

Oh, that’s all thanks to modern medicine. We have this one here. (Points to MILA.) Mom died. At the morgue, some of those geniuses injected some kind of solution (points to his neck) into the carotid artery. Under pressure. Her face looks like a baby’s. Rosy cheeks. She’s glowing. They did her hair, put lipstick on her. Her son saw her and started stuttering. He thought Mom was going to get out of the coffin and walk home. To his house.

(A Pause.)

LARISA (appearing).

Geniuses, my ass! A friend of mine had Botox injected. (Gestures at her face.) Now one eyebrow is higher, she can’t close one eye, and her smile (demonstrates a crooked smile) better not look at it. Bottom line, she’s afraid to leave the house.

MILA.

No problem. She can go out in the evening. Or at night. A night butterfly!

MARINA (rising from her chair).

All right, I’m not feeling well.

MILA.

Sit down, daughter! Can’t you see we have a guest?

MARINA (as she leaves).

I’m a guest here myself.

MILA.

Take your temperature. You remember where the thermometer is. (To DMITRY.) Dima, let’s be honest. You want to get your hands on (gestures toward “this house”) this house?

DMITRY.

What are you…

MILA.

Were you going to say, “Are you crazy?”

DMITRY.

I don’t want anything.

MILA.

You don’t want anything at all?! Get your testosterone checked.

DMITRY.

I’m leaving.

MILA.

Want this house? Marry me! We’ll have kids! (Pause.) But first — testosterone! Bring the results to me!

DMITRY.

That’s not fair. I just wanted to offer my sympathy…

MILA (mocking him).

“Offer my sympathy.” Sympathy for what? I’m home, surrounded by family. My granddaughter is my best friend. There’s a bottle of vodka in the freezer. What exactly are you feeling sorry for, Dima?! That I don’t have much time left?! That I have no future?! How much time do you have left, by the way?! Do you have a future?! Or maybe you don’t even have a present?! (Pause.) You’re silent. Good. Stay silent. I have a present! And I love it! I cherish it! And I’m going to make it colorful, huge, and beautiful! I’ve caught a disease called LIFE! I’m getting old, and I’m going to die with dignity! (After a brief pause.) Hooray!

(A Pause.)

GERMAN.

Well… (To DMITRY.) See what vitamin B-12 can do?

MILA (rubbing her buttock).

Damn shot hurt like hell.

GERMAN.

By the way, you don’t have to go to the hospital. I can give you the shots too.

MILA.

With you, I’d better not open my mouth. You’d stick the needle straight into my neck.

GERMAN.

You shouldn’t talk like that.

MILA.

Shouldn’t, you say? Maybe I shouldn’t. (Pause.) But seriously, Gera, what do you want out of life? What are you missing? Think you can run away from your problems? Get lost in a huge house? (Points toward the wings where MARINA disappeared.) Start by sleeping in separate bedrooms. “He snores! She snores!”

GERMAN.

Yeah, I…

MILA (waves him off).

Be quiet! Then eat dinner separately. Sep-a-rate-ly. Microwave, sandwich, hamburger. That’s it! That’s all, Gera! It’s over. Completely over! (Pause.)

DMITRY.

I’m out of here.

MILA.

Don’t rush. This applies to you, too!

GERMAN.

Dima, how about a shot of whiskey? You don’t get a lecture like that every day.

DMITRY.

I told you, I can’t.

MILA (to herself).

You can’t. We lived on the first floor of a development-building. The entrance doors slammed so hard the glass in the cabinet rattled. In a kitchen that was eight by eight feet, we ate fried potatoes with bologna. I didn’t wash the frying pan — I wanted to save the cooking oil. But we were together, and we were happy. The doors kept slamming. We didn’t notice. We listened to each other. You understand? We listened. (Pause.) Well, enough. I’ve given you enough to think about. I’m going to give myself a shot. It’s starting to hurt.

GERMAN.

I can help.

MILA.

Don’t get your hopes up. (Points to her shoulder.) Subcutaneous.

SHE disappears.

(A Pause.)

GERMAN.

Well, that’s just great.

DMITRY (nodding toward the wings where MILA disappeared).

Drugs?

GERMAN (waves him off).

Ah!

(A Pause.)

GERMAN.

You here to collect the down payment?

DMITRY.

You’re an idiot, Gera!

GERMAN.

Want punch in the nose?

DMITRY.

Another time. I’m going to make up with Katya. I hurt her feelings yesterday. See you.

He disappears. Blackout.

GERMAN is onstage, trying to make a call on his cell phone. He can’t get through. He puts the phone down and begins exercising with dumbbells. He is awkward at it. He doesn’t like it.

MILA appears.

MILA.

Good boy. Commendable. Watch your breathing. You get a strong pulse sometimes.

GERMAN.

There. I decided to take better care of myself.

MILA.

Gera, forgive me for interrupting your plans. Excuse me, your script for this whole farce. But I signed up for an experimental group studying the longevity gene.

GERMAN drops the dumbbells and grabs his heart. Pause.

MILA.

The group is called “The Immortal”. Fifteen people. All in good health. And the ages are…

GERMAN (tragically).

How much did they take?

MILA.

Gera, you can’t talk about money all the time. How can you put longevity, eternity…

GERMAN.

Oh, God!

MILA.

And money — just pieces of paper? Shame on you, Gera. Shame.

GERMAN.

How many zeros are we talking about, Mom?

MILA.

I didn’t count. They’ll find the gene. Tweak it. And they promise a long life. Very long.

GERMAN (hopefully).

Surgery?

MILA.

No-o. Virtual. Remote.

GERMAN.

Got it. A sexual act with the brain.

MILA.

By the way, Lara was accepted into the project.

GERMAN.

Uh-huh.

MILA.

As a full-time employee. They liked the way she takes care of Grandma.

GERMAN.

Finally, some good news.

MILA.

She met… became friends with a man…

GERMAN (dismissively).

An old man?

MILA.

His testosterone is normal. I checked.

GERMAN.

Looks like I’m going to need an ambulance. I beg you, don’t tell Marina. She won’t survive it.

MILA.

You shouldn’t, Gera. You really shouldn’t. A respectable, distinguished gentleman. (Points at GERMAN’s stomach.) Not belly. Not old. Eighty… uh… three.

GERMAN.

Does he own an apartment?

MILA.

See? That’s how you’ll spend your whole life — with your face in the trough! In the trough! In the trough!

She disappears into the stage-right wing.

GERMAN (runs after her, stops at the wing, shakes his fist). Oh, you! Oh, you! I’ll show you what “face in the trough” means!

He takes out his cell phone and calls.

DMITRY appears from stage left.

DMITRY (answering his cell phone).

Hello? Yeah, yeah.

GERMAN (breathing heavily with rage).

Dima? Dima?

DMITRY.

What, are you calling me during sex?

GERMAN (loudly).

Dima!

DMITRY.

Quiet. Don’t yell.

GERMAN.

Dima, do you know a hit man?

DMITRY.

Ohhh! Here we go.

GERMAN.

Oh, screw you, you creep!

He hangs up.

DMITRY.

Hit man. In the Maldives, everybody’s a hit man. They go there to recharge. Meanwhile, the investigator is probably sweating it out in his office. We’ll see who the creep is.

He presses a button and calls GERMAN back.

GERMAN (calmer).

Hello?

DMITRY.

Gera, I’ll think about it. What do you need? Speak louder. It’s noisy here.

GERMAN.

Never mind. I’ll die first. When you finish the house, sell it to somebody.

DMITRY.

Gera, Ger, what’s wrong with you? What happened?

GERMAN.

She’s dancing flamenco now. There’s a concert next month. We have to go.

DMITRY.

Flamenco. Sounds good. Flamenco. Let her dance. She’ll break her hip and…

GERMAN.

What an expert you are! She’ll break her heels first. Or the parquet floor.

DMITRY.

Parquet is out of fashion now. Laminate is cheaper and more practical. Can you get me a couple of tickets?

GERMAN.

I’m serious. And you’re…

DMITRY.

Ger, where’s Larisa right now? I’d like to…

GERMAN.

Go home. Say hi to Katya. (Hangs up.) What a joke.

He disappears.

DMITRY (hanging up).

I will, I will. I’ll find her myself!

LARISA appears.

DMITRY.

Lara? Hi!

LARISA.

What’s up, body?

DMITRY.

Thanks. Better than ever.

LARISA.

I see. Problems too?

DMITRY.

Why are you walking? I could give you a ride.

LARISA.

No need.

DMITRY.

No? Too bad. So how…

LARISA.

Grandma doesn’t give up. She’s our hero.

DMITRY.

Good for her. Good for her. You know, I saw how you…

LARISA.

Monitoring the situation?

DMITRY.

Yeah… Lar, maybe we could…

LARISA.

Go home. You probably installed a camera in the neighbor’s window. Go… (smiling.) Go already.

DMITRY.

The camera. Yeah. The camera. (Starts to leave, then stops.) I installed a camera at home. Just checking how it works.

LARISA.

Uh-huh.

DMITRY.

This morning…

LARISA.

You checked.

DMITRY.

It’s bad. Very bad. Everything is going to hell! Everything! (Pause.)

LARISA.

Did you two talk things out?

DMITRY.

What’s there to talk about now?

LARISA.

Grandma says nothing can belong to us absolutely. Especially a person. A person isn’t a thing, Dima. Not a thing. He has his own destiny, his own history, his own desires and fantasies. You can’t put that into a contract. (Pause.) And you… You yourself… Hanging out with your buddies in the sauna… Didn’t you think it might come back to bite you? You didn’t. Wait — did you decide to get back at your wife by using me?

DMITRY.

Lar, why are you doing this?

LARISA.

Too bad. I might have said yes. Anyway. Keep your chin up.

She starts to leave.

DMITRY.

Will you go with me to learn Argentine tango?

LARISA.

No one has ever hit on me so elegantly.

DMITRY.

Everything in this life seems a little crooked.

LARISA.

Crooked, you say? (Pause.) In our project there are two old men. One is deaf and mute; the other is deaf, mute, and blind. Can you imagine? Deaf, mute, and blind. They walk together. The deaf man reads lips. The other touches his hands — feels the signs. You know what? They smile. They don’t blame anyone and they don’t envy anyone, can you believe it? They’re self-sufficient. Happy. And we’re always dissatisfied, always miserable, always feeling sick of everything…

(A Pause.)

DMITRY.

You don’t remember, but I pulled your father out of poverty when he was just an engineer. I was looking for a reliable partner. Gera—he’s reliable. Couldn’t be more reliable. But as a business partner, he was hopeless. Whatever he touched slipped through his fingers like sand. I kept thinking the guy was just unlucky. Turns out… Family. A real family! Look what kind of daughter he raised. Smart. Beautiful.

LARISA.

You don’t know anything about me.

DMITRY.

I saw how close you are with Mila. I could never…

LARISA.

Grandma? Yes. She changed my whole life. You know, like “before” and “after.”

DMITRY.

“Before” and “after.”

LARISA.

I brought her to another flamenco class. And… I stayed. Grandma came in wearing her usual clothes, a little hunched over, tired after a long day.

(At the director’s discretion, MILA may silently demonstrate what LARISA describes.)

She put on a dress. Pulled off her jeans. Fast, graceful. (Demonstrates gathering her hair at the back of her head.) Hair into a bun. A red flower in it. Put on bright lipstick. Stepped into heels and turned into another woman. A completely different woman. A passionate, fierce, irresistible flamenco dancer!

When she danced, I understood what she meant when she said, “If we don’t make a celebration for ourselves, nobody will do it for us.”

So, Dima? Are we dancing together, or are you leaving?

DMITRY.

Thank you. Thank you, Lar! I’ll call you.

LARISA.

Bye, partner!

They disappear.

Music.

Scene Six

The stage and auditorium of the community center.

MARINA and GERMAN, DMITRY and LARISA, dressed up for the occasion, walk along the front of the stage and into the auditorium.

MARINA (to GERMAN).

I wanted to wait until after the concert, but I can’t. I’m bursting.

GERMAN.

That crap again!

LARISA (to DMITRY).

How do I look tonight?

DMITRY.

Great. But last night…

LARISA (nudging him in the shoulder).

Shh! Mom will hear you! (Laughs.)

MARINA.

I quit the university.

GERMAN.

Great move.

DMITRY.

That was something…

LARISA.

I said shut up! You’re not in the sauna with your buddies!

MARINA.

I’d had enough. I handed in my resignation. Slammed the door. That’s it!

GERMAN.

That’s it. We can sell the car.

DMITRY.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the rest of the show.

LARISA.

A gentleman should be restrained. But not too restrained.

MARINA.

I’ve always dreamed of having my own French school.

GERMAN.

Well, look at that! There’s a fantastic space available.

DMITRY.

Is that the same perfume you were wearing…

LARISA (playfully).

I don’t remember.

MARINA.

The university will never forgive me. I don’t care!

GERMAN.

Second floor, with an elevator. No parking, but it’s downtown.

DMITRY.

That smell could drive a man crazy.

LARISA.

You have that effect on me?

GERMAN.

It should work. I’ll sit down tomorrow and work on the advertising.

MARINA.

We haven’t even come up with a business name yet.

GERMAN.

The name will come. The important thing is, we’ve got an idea and it’s huge!

All four enter the first row of the auditorium or the orchestra pit and take their seats. The lights go out.

Gradually, a spotlight illuminates a circle onstage. MILA stands in the circle wearing a flamenco costume. Music begins. MILA performs a flamenco dance. At the end of the dance, the lights go out.

Scene Seven

MILA’S living room.

DMITRY sits in a rocking chair. LARISA is sitting on his lap. They whisper to each other, smiling.

GERMAN and MARINA look at a tablet screen and talk animatedly. They are excited and full of hope.

GERMAN.

We need to put a secretary here.

MARINA looks at GERMAN. He gestures, outlining a woman’s curves on his own body.

MARINA.

Yeah, right! In your dreams! Her fingers are too fat to type on a computer.

GERMAN.

But she could double as a security guard. Okay, okay, I’m shutting up.

MARINA.

This is the classroom. This is my office.

GERMAN.

And mine?

MARINA.

We’ll figure something out.

GERMAN.

At best, I’ll get the secretary’s lap.

MILA appears. She is sad, but dignified. She is holding a paper envelope.

MILA.

Bonsoir, my darlings.

MARINA.

Mom, are you going to have dinner?

MILA.

Thanks. I’m on a diet. I have a little announcement. But (sadly.) an important one. I’ve danced all my life, until the doctors told me to stop. Funny. I pay them, and they tell me what I can’t do. Osteoporosis. Sounds beautiful, doesn’t it? I could fall and break something. (After a brief pause.) No. I’d rather fall onstage than on the way to the bathroom. I’ve signed a contract.

(A Pause.)

The others exchange worried looks.

MILA (CONT’D).

Paris. I’ll never learn the name of the club. I’m going to dance… flamenco. Yes, yes, my friends, flamenco.

MARINA.

Mom, but you…

MILA.

An old lady. Thank you. I remember. But I’m planning to forget about that for a whole year. Whatever happens, you’ll be able to brag afterward: “Grandma lived and died in Paris.”

Sounds good, huh? (Pause.) I’m going to miss you. I’m really going to miss you. We’re family. Family. Don’t forget that. Don’t say or do anything that can’t be undone later. I’ll miss you.

But first — business, and then me. Business first. (After a brief pause.) Oh, almost forgot. Here’s the deed transferring the property to you. Fair and square. Sell it if you need to.

I’ll dance in my heels, make a ton of money, and buy it back. Buy it back. Will you help me pack my suitcase? Something’s off with me today. What a day! What a day!

She disappears.

MARINA, GERMAN, LARISA, and DMITRY slowly move to the front of the stage. They look upward.

The sound of an airplane taking off is heard.

(A Pause.)

MARINA’S cell phone rings.

MARINA (answering).

Yes? Hello? Louder! I can’t hear you… Yes, I… Yes…

Shaken, she lowers the phone, looks at LARISA, and slowly shakes her head.

In the distance, the siren of an ambulance can be heard.

Blackout.

Music.

END OF PLAY

Leon Agulansky 2018